(Disclaimer: This transcript is auto-generated and may contain mistakes.)

Now the part of the chapter that I'd like to focus on is verse 7, where the Bible reads, Likewise ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honor unto the wife as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers be not hindered. What I want to preach about tonight is the subject of leadership, and especially in regard to husbands, that's what I'm going to use as the example, but honestly, a lot of these principles of leadership carry over into other areas of life. And I'm preaching to the husbands tonight, not unto the wives, but still, even if you're not a husband, a lot of these principles have crossover into other areas of life. There are various positions of leadership, whether it's the pastor of the church, whether it's being a husband, whether it's being a father, whether it's being a mother, you're a leader of the children. Maybe you're a leader on the job. As a man, you have a job where you're the boss and you need to be a leader. A lot of these same principles are going to apply. So listen up even if you're not a husband, but honestly this is mainly directed at husbands, and that's what I'm going to use as the example tonight. Now in 1 Peter 3.7 it says, likewise ye husbands, so he's talking to the husbands and he says, dwell with them, talking about the wives, according to knowledge, giving honor unto the wife as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers be not hindered. Now the first principle of leadership I want to give, I'm going to come back to 1 Peter, but go if you would to Ephesians 5, and I want to give the first principle of leadership. First of all, if you're going to be a good leader as a husband, obviously no sermon, anything to do with marriage in my opinion, should bypass the most important truth of marriage and that is the fact that the wife is to be in submission to the husband. I mean without that element, no marriage can succeed in my opinion. I believe that the Bible hammers that over and over again for a reason in so many places. That is the key element, that is a foundational truth. And really when the Bible says that husbands need to dwell with their wives according to knowledge, giving honor unto the wife as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers be not hindered, the inequality of husband and wife are highlighted in that verse. Because it says right there that the wife is the weaker vessel. Now when I say inequality, I don't mean that the wife has any less value than the husband. Of course the wife has every bit as much value as the husband. But there is not an equality between husband and wife. This is a fraud, this is a lie that our society has perpetrated upon us to brainwash us and socially engineer us to have a marriage that is not what God would want. Men and women are not equal. There's a physical difference in strength when we look at the weakness there, that men are stronger than women. And there's also an inequality when it comes to the roles of leadership. The Bible is clear that there is a chain of authority. This is not an equal partnership, teamwork, no. There is a chain of command that goes God, husband, wife. Read 1 Corinthians 11. I'm not going to preach that sermon tonight, that's another sermon. But if you look at Ephesians 5 verse 33, where he sums up these 11 verses on marriage, he says, nevertheless, let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself and the wife see that she reverence her husband. The word reverence there means to fear her husband or respect her husband. Number one, the first point of how to be a great leader as a husband, are you listening husbands? Number one, you must be respectable. The key to a good marriage is that the husband loves his wife and that the wife reverences her husband. So if you as a husband are going to be the leader that you need to be, your wife needs to reverence you. And instead of just sitting there and saying, well, you know, honey, why aren't you reverencing me? It's time for you to get reverence worthy. It's time for you to be respectable. Now no wife should listen to this sermon and say, well, if my husband's not doing one of the six things on Pastor Anderson's list, that's my excuse not to reverence. Baloney, you are to reverence your husband regardless, but I'm talking to the men tonight. And I'm saying to you men that you need to, as a leader, be respectable, whether you're a boss at work, whether you're a father to your children, whether you're the pastor of the church, you need to be someone who commands respect. Okay, well what does it mean to be respectable? What is the type of person that's easy to reverence, that's easy to look up to? Well, first of all, you need to fulfill your responsibilities as a husband. You know, no one's going to respect a pastor who's not fulfilling his responsibilities, or a boss at work who's not getting his job done. He's not leading. He's not fulfilling his responsibilities. And so your first leadership principle in any area of life, but especially as a husband, is to be respectable. And you do that by fulfilling your responsibilities. What are your responsibilities as a husband? Number one, you need to be a provider. The Bible says, if any provide not for his own, and especially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith and is worse than an infidel. It is our job as men to work, the Bible says, six days shalt thou labor. The Bible says you work by the sweat of your face. The Bible says that you provide for your own, especially for those of your own house. And so it is our responsibility to provide. It's our responsibility to love, nurture, and cherish our wives. To care about our wives. It's our responsibility to put food on the table. It is our responsibility also to lead. The Bible teaches it's our responsibility to instruct our household, to teach the Bible, to lead spiritually, to make decisions. Now in order for the husband to be reverented and respected as the leader, he's got to take the lead. He's got to fulfill that role. He's got to do that job. See, sometimes leadership can look like a glamorous job, but when you get in a position of leadership, you find out there's a lot of responsibility involved, right? You know, you sit back and you think, wow, being the pastor of the church would be cool. And it is cool, but it's also a lot of work. It also has its challenges. It also has responsibilities. And so you have to realize that as a husband, you don't just inherit a position of authority, you inherit a position of great responsibility. And if you want your wife to respect you, you need to fulfill those responsibilities in order to command the respect of your wife. You need to do your part. You need to do your job. You need to not be a hypocrite, okay? Because if you're a leader, basically you're giving commands to other people or you're telling other people what to do. I mean, that's what a leader does. They say, okay, here's where we're going. This is what we're going to do. All right, let's do it. And you know what a hypocrite is, is somebody who holds their followers to a higher standard than they hold themselves. So as a leader, you need to set the example. You need to model the way for your followers, okay? You need to show them what character looks like, what godliness looks like, what hard work looks like. You know, you can't complain and sit there and say, well, the house isn't clean when you're not paying the bills. You're not, you're missing work. You're not doing your part. And then you're being a hypocrite, it's going to be hard for your follower to respect you when you're not doing what you're supposed to be doing and then you're telling them what to do. No employee likes that in a boss. It causes people to be disgruntled at work. Nobody likes it in a church when they feel like the pastor's preaching one way and then living another way. As the scribes and Pharisees of old binding heavy burdens upon men, right, but he won't touch them with his little finger, okay? And that's a failure in leadership. We need to be respectable as men. We need to fulfill our responsibilities. Now understand what the responsibilities of a husband are. What does God command us to do as husbands? Love our wives, spend time with our wives, you know, nurture and cherish our wives, teach our wives, lead our wives, okay. Now, does the Bible say it's our responsibility as husbands to wash dishes, clean the house, change diapers, and take the kids off her hands so she can go get a pedicure? Is that what the Bible says? No, it doesn't. The Bible does not say that anywhere, okay. And so does that mean that those are bad things to do? No. But you know what? When wives complain about their husband, a lot of times they're complaining about stuff that's not even their husband's responsibility anyway. He doesn't help me enough with my job, is what a lot of wives will say. Well, you know, when was the last time you went to work and helped him with his job? But you know what, that's not even the point because men have a role and women have a role. Now look, I help my wife out a lot, you know. I help her out with the dishes. I help her out. But if I ever get the feeling that she is basically expecting me to do it, then it's just like no, you know what I mean? Because if I help out, it's because I'm helping out. And you know what? I love my wife. I want to help out. I want to help out around the house. I want to take the kids off her hands and give her a break because I love her. But I'm not obligated to do so. And shame on any wife that complains about her husband for not doing something that's not even his biblical responsibility. If you have a husband that fulfills his biblical responsibilities, you ought to just thank God for that and be pleased with that and be happy with it. Anything he does above that is above and beyond, okay. But again, we're preaching to the husbands tonight. Husbands, you need to fulfill those biblical responsibilities though is what I'm saying. Also, if you want to be respectable, you need to take care of yourself, okay. You know, a lot of men act like a slob. And that's not going to cause people to respect you. Have you noticed that the boss at work dresses nicely? I mean, if you notice, you go into a place and you can instantly identify the manager. Usually because he's dressed a little bit nicer. He wears nice clothing. And I guarantee you that if you're in the business world and you're showing up to work and your shirt's not tucked in and you're slovenly in your appearance and you're wearing dirty clothes and you're not grooming and you're showing up late, you're not going to be put in a position of being a manager or a leader. Because the people who run that business know, hey, it's going to be too hard for people to respect this guy because of his appearance, because of the way he looks. And by the way, that's why pastors shouldn't be up preaching in flip flops and a Hawaiian shirt looking like they just rolled out of bed. Now you say, why do you wear a suit and tie as a pastor? Because you know, I want to look respectable. I want to look sharp. You say, well, show me in the Bible where you have to wear a suit and tie. There's no place in the Bible that says to wear a suit and tie, but you know what a suit and tie says? I'm serious about what I'm doing. I'm taking this seriously. This is important to me. I'm not just throwing on a graphic t-shirt and a pair of jeans with holes in them and just coming to church. I'm just going to kind of wrap with you guys a little bit. No, I'm coming here with a serious message. This is a serious event. Well, you say it happens three times a week. It's still just important just because it happens three times a week. Every service is very important. You'll dress up like this for a funeral, you'll dress up like this for a wedding. Why? Because those are important events. I, as a pastor, need to send a message to the congregation that I'm taking my job as pastor seriously. And if people look to me as a leader and say, this guy is serious about what he's doing. Now, how does that carry over to being a husband? Well, you know what? If you're just going to lay around, slob around, not brush your teeth, not take a shower, not just let yourself physically go to pot in every possible way, let yourself physically go to pot, you know, just let yourself go and then you expect your reverence me. You look like a derelict in your home. You know, and some people dress nice and look nice when they go out of the home, but then in their home they look like a derelict. You look like a homeless person. That's going to be hard for your wife to reference that. You should try to look nice, and I'm not saying that you have to just, you know, get out of bed and come to the breakfast table in a suit and tie, you know, it wouldn't be a bad idea, but I'm not saying you have to do that. But honestly, you could wear casual clothing and you can still wear clean clothes. You can still put on deodorant. You can still, look, I know women are balking at this preaching, but men need this kind of preaching. We're preaching to the men, all right? Men need to hear this. You know, you need to put on the deodorant, brush your teeth, you know, take care of yourself, and be a guy who looks like a leader. Look, if you want to be treated like the boss, look like the boss, okay? By the way, that's a good way to get promoted at work. Start dressing nicer. People will just start thinking you're the manager. You'll accidentally become the manager. They'll accidentally make you a manager. Wait, you weren't already a manager? You know, just because you're wearing that tie, just because you're looking sharp, just because you're taking care of yourself, you're showing up on time. I've gotten a raise at work, literally because the owner of the company said, you're the only person that tucks in his shirt. I'll give you a raise right now. I'm not kidding. That's a true story. There you go. Okay, number two. So first of all, number one, you need to be respectable. If you want to be a leader, you want to be in charge, you want to be the boss, which the Bible wants you to be the boss. You know what? You need to be a person that's respectable. But number two, look at 1 Peter 3 verse 7. The Bible says that you need to dwell with your wife according to knowledge, okay? And I'm going to give a practical application of that. It says in 1 Peter 3 verse 7, likewise ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honor unto the wife as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life that your prayers be not hindered. This verse is so packed with information, but let's just look at a few aspects of it. First of all, part of how we need to dwell with our wife according to knowledge is to realize the chain of command, realize the inequality, okay? Realize the aspect of the weaker vessel. If you go to the previous verse in verse 6, it says, even as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him Lord, whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well and are not afraid within the amazement. So the Bible tells us that Sarah obeyed Abraham and called him Lord and that she is a role model unto Christian women today. Now what does it mean when it says she called him Lord? Well you have to understand that the word Lord there, when we hear the word Lord, we just automatically think of the name of God, okay? And I think this is why this verse kind of confuses people today in 2013, you know when they see this verse about calling their husband Lord, they're like, whoa, that's weird because they're thinking of the name of God. But in the Bible, Lord is not just the name of God. Lord is also just a word that means master or boss, okay? And you have to understand that the equivalent of the word Lord would be our modern day word sir, okay? For example, if you're reading a Spanish Bible, who here speaks Spanish? If you read this verse in a Spanish Bible, what does it say that she called him, Chris? It says that she called Abraham señor, alright? And what does señor mean? Sir, you know, if I said like, hola señor, it means hello sir. And nobody would think that was weird. So if we're speaking Spanish, it's pretty natural to call people señor. And señor is a really common term. But also in Spanish, the Lord is called el señor, okay? So those two words are the same thing. And so what the Bible here is basically saying, I guess just to make it a little bit more of a modern equivalent, is basically that she called him sir, or that she called him the boss, okay, is what that means. It's not saying that she's calling him God, you know, and that's what's confusing to people sometimes today. But if you read the whole Bible, it's not confusing because you'll see Lord used in a lot of other ways, okay? So right there we see it highlighted that she's calling him sir, you know, she's calling him Lord. And if you think that's weird, even after I explained it to you, then that just shows that your mind has been warped by our society. Because the Bible's not wrong, you're wrong. So if there's a difference between what you think is normal and what the Bible teaches, you're the one who's wrong and you need to adjust your thinking to match this book, okay? Because the Bible here says that it's perfectly natural and normal for the wife to call her husband sir, okay, to basically speak to him in a respectful way. And there's far too much, in 2013, people speaking disrespectfully to people to whom they should speak respectfully. And wives should speak respectfully to their husbands, okay? Now another example of why this is so important, and this isn't even in my notes, but I remember a while back in our church, there was this time when this trend arose of calling me Steve, okay? Somebody started calling me Steve, you know, and then pretty soon just another person's calling me Steve. You know, before that I was always pastor, or Pastor Anderson, but it just became so Steve this, Steve that, okay. It even got to the point where some people were correcting other people and saying, oh you mean Steve? You know, and they'd say Pastor Anderson. And you know, I looked at that and honestly I didn't think it was a big deal. I just thought to myself, well whatever, you know, it doesn't really matter. Because I'm not a prideful person that just, you know, I must be called by my title at all times. So my natural inclination was just to not care, just to not worry about it, right? But then I started to notice people treating me very disrespectfully, people supplanting my authority as pastor. I just started noticing this downward spiral that all seemed to start with calling me Steve. So finally I just put my foot down and said, look, I'm done with you calling me Steve, it's Pastor Anderson. You know, and then we got it straightened out and we never had a problem with it again. And then all of a sudden people were treating me respectfully. And you know, I learned a lesson from that, that I was wrong to think that it didn't matter what people called me. You know, because I made the mistake of thinking, well people call me Steve, so what, that's my name. But you know what, looking back I realized it was a problem because it changed the way that people treated me just based on that name that they call me. And you say, well, you know, that's just being petty, that's just being silly, but you know what? We need to treat people who deserve respect with respect. And you know, that's why I try to teach my children not to walk up to adults at church and just call them by their first name either. You know, just, you know, I don't want my kids to want, hey Richard, how you doing? You know, it should be, you know, Brother Miller or at least Brother Richard or something. And I try to teach my children to show respect unto adults, to show respect unto the sister, to show respect unto their husband as a wife, and so forth. And that should come across in the language that you use. You know, saying Pastor Anderson is being respectful. Calling your husband sir or being respectful in the way that you talk to him, that's showing respect, that's showing reverence. So this is important. The words that we use are very important. Now in 1 Peter 3 verse 7 it says, Likewise ye husbands dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honor unto the wife as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life that your prayers be not hindered. Now it says giving honor unto the wife. So there is also a respect from the husband unto his wife. The husband should also be respectful unto his wife. And let me say this, when the Bible says that Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him Lord, let me say this, that is not saying that women everywhere need to be in obedience and submission to all men everywhere. The Bible is very clear that wives are to be obedient unto their own husbands. The Bible does not teach all women obey all men. No, that is not what the Bible teaches. The Bible teaches that wives obey their husbands, their own husbands. Now here's the thing about that. We need to be respectful toward our wives and we as men need to be respectful toward women in general. A lot of men, they might hear some biblical preaching about wives submitting to their husbands and they misinterpret that preaching to just, yeah, we're men, yeah! And basically just all women need to respect and obey us. No, wrong. That is not a biblical doctrine. Let me tell you something. Men should treat women with courtesy and respect, open the door for them, be polite, you know, call them Mrs. So-and-so and Mrs. So-and-so is a good thing to do. Just be as kind and respectful and polite unto ladies as possible. Because the Bible says that we should give honor unto our wife also and that we should just be respectful toward women in general. So this is not a thing of being rude to your wife. Do you think, as you read this scripture that says that Sarah obeyed Abraham and called him Lord, do you think that means that Abraham was rude to Sarah? I mean is that what you get from this verse? Abraham was rude and curt with her. No. Because this is what you need to understand. You can be polite and friendly and still be in charge. You can still be the boss. Now look, we've all had bosses that yelled at us and cussed us. We've always had a boss that screamed at you and cussed you out on a regular basis. Not on a regular basis? Where have you been working? Are they hiring? Honestly, I mean, every job I had I was cussed out on a regular basis. And it wasn't because I was a bad worker, everybody was cussed out on a regular basis. Okay, it's pretty common in the workforce. I mean you're screamed at, you're yelled at, you're cussed out. Now look, when the boss yells at you and screams at you and cusses you out, you know, you usually do what you're told and obey, but you also don't like that guy. You also hate his guts, okay? So you don't want your wife to despise you. That's poor leadership. Screaming, yelling, and cursing is not a model of leadership that we as husbands should have. Okay, we should not just angrily, you know, we should be polite and kind. And I'm skipping ahead to one of my other points, but here's a key point of leadership. Getting calm and not losing your temper. Not getting angry. See the Bible says, he that is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he that ruleth his spirit than he that taketh city. See when you are easily provoked, and when you are soon to get angry, you know what you're showing? Weakness. And when you are very calm and collected and you don't lose your temper and you don't get angry, you know what you're showing? Might. Strength. You're showing that you have the strength to control yourself. And you have to be able to rule your own spirit before you can ever be effective at ruling other people, okay? And so the Bible tells us, be slow to anger. The Bible says, a wrathful man stirreth up strife, but he that is slow to anger appeaseth strife. What's strife? Fighting, right, fighting between husband and wife. What's the cause of it a lot of times? People that are being quick to anger instead of being slow to anger. So as a husband, being the leader involves controlling your anger, not getting angry, staying calm, staying collected, showing the strength of temperance and self-control. The Bible says, wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath, for the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God. The Bible says, he that is slow to wrath is of great understanding, but he that is hasty of spirit exalteth folly. Okay, so quick review. Leadership principles for husbands. Number one, be respectable. Be who you're supposed to be. Show the example. Be a leader. Number two, control your anger. Number three, you need to stop asking your wife so many questions, okay? Now look at 1 Peter 3.7, it says, likewise you husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honor unto the wife as unto the weaker vessel and as being heirs together of the grace of life that your prayers be not entered. Now husbands often make the mistake of asking their wife way too many questions. Now what if you were at work and your boss was just constantly asking you questions about how to do his job or about which direction the company is going to go? You know what you'd start thinking? My boss is not a competent leader. He does not know what he's doing. Why aren't I the boss? I mean think about it. What if you are sitting at work and your boss is constantly coming to you asking you, so what are we going to do? Alright, what are we going to do today? What's on the agenda for today? You're going to sit there and say, well why am I not driving the big nice car in the parking lot? Why aren't I getting the big paycheck if you expect me to be the boss, you expect me to make the decision? Hey, that's your job to figure that out. Asking a lot of questions is a sign of weak leadership because it shows that you don't know the answer and you don't know what you're doing. Now there's a time to ask a question, but we as husbands ask often far too many questions of our wife. And look, I've talked to a lot of women who said that they're annoyed by the fact that their husband asks them so many questions. It's annoying. I mean it's annoying even to men, but it's really annoying to women when their husband's just constantly asking them questions. Just constantly asking them what are we going to do? And a lot of times it's misguided. Husbands think that they're being nice. Like, well I just want to make sure that we do things in a way that my wife is happy with. So I'm just trying to be nice by asking her because I want to do it in a way that's going to make her happy. But here's the problem with that line of thinking. Number one, when you ask women questions they don't tell you the real answer, ever. I mean, look, let me rephrase that. When you ask women questions, let's say it's a yes or no question, you have a 50-50 chance of getting the right answer. So why even ask the question? About half the time you got the right answer, and about half the time you get a bogus answer. And it's not because women just lie. That's not what I'm saying. But what I'm saying is that women have a different way of communicating than men, and this is what it means when it says dwell with them according to knowledge, my friend. Men and women are different. And that women have a different way of communicating, they communicate indirectly. Men are direct. I mean if you ask a man, hey, do you have a problem with me? Huh? Do we have a problem? If he has a problem he's going to tell me. He's going to say yes, I do have a problem with you. You ask your wife, honey, is something wrong? No, everything's fine. Because it's just an indirect way. They're just not as straightforward. Men just are real straightforward in their thinking. Women not so much. They're very indirect. They give you just little tiny clues and honestly to be an effective husband you must be a mind reader. It's a transcendental calling to be a husband. I mean you must be a mind reader. But honestly, so asking a lot of questions, what you're doing is you're sending a signal that says I don't know what I'm doing, okay? And then also you're getting a lot of bogus answers and taking them as gospel, okay? Because you don't understand the way women communicate is a little more indirect. You know, they don't always just like to be blunt like men. You know, you ask them a question, they're not always going to tell you what they really want, okay? Let me just give you some help in the interpretation of these signals. For example, if you say to your wife, you know, honey, let's go out to eat, okay? Because she says, no, I don't think we should spend the money right now. That means like, take me to eat right now, okay? That means like, take me to eat and tell me that we have plenty of money on the way there. Okay, that's what it means. I'm just translating for you, okay? It's true. I mean anybody who's married either knows that's true or had better write that down, okay? So women, they don't all, they want to be, a lot of times women want to be forced to do things, like it's true. I mean they want to be forced, like they want you to take them to eat against their will. They want you to like, make them eat steak dinners that they didn't want. And then they're going to tell you they don't want dessert and they want you to force them to get the dessert. It's true. And look, people right now, there are two kinds of people in this room right now. There are people who know that what I'm saying is true and there are people who are failing, you know, as being a husband. It's true, okay? So you've got to learn. Now I'll tell you one thing. One thing that I've made a mistake about in the past in my marriage is, you know, I thought about the golden rule. Everybody know what the golden rule is? You know, do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Now here's the key to the golden rule. Therefore all things whatsoever you would that men should do unto you, do ye even so to them, for this is the law and the prophets. Because let me tell you something. You are misguided if you think that your wife wants what you want. Because men and women are completely different. So a lot of times the golden rule is like, well this is what I would want in this. So okay, well then that's not, no, wrong. Women are different than men. Don't give your wife what you want or what you would want if you were her because you're not her and you're nothing like her because you're a man and she's a woman. You need to give her what she wants, which is something completely different, okay? And you have to figure out what that is, okay? And that's what the Bible is saying here, to dwell with your wife according to knowledge. You need to get to know your wife and learn what she likes. Now what else does asking a lot of questions do? It says I don't know you. So first of all, asking questions says I don't know what I'm doing as a leader. Number two, asking a lot of questions is getting you a lot of bogus answers because of women's indirect communication style, okay? Number three, asking a lot of questions is saying I don't know you. I mean asking your wife where do you want to go out to eat, what do you want for dinner? You know what that's saying? You haven't cared enough to observe her over the last 10 years, 20 years you've been married that you have to always ask her what she wants, like you should know, you know? And look, if you know the answer without having to ask, that shows that you care. That shows that you're being observant. That shows that you have taken the time to get to know her, okay? And this is where the cliché comes from, the proverbial ordering for your wife at dinner, right? You know, you go out to dinner and you order for her and you say, oh man, what is this, the 1950s? But you know where that comes from is that women actually like that, okay? Because it shows leadership and it shows that you care enough to have observed their likes and dislikes that you can, you're comfortable ordering something that they're going to like. And a lot of times women will, you know, they'll go to the dinner and they'll say, oh, I'll just have, you know, a salad and a glass of water. You know, you just need to be like, no. You know, and you order the steak, you order the dessert, you know, you order a drink. You know, sometimes you just have to take charge and do that and show that you know what they really want, okay? So there are a lot of reasons why you shouldn't ask too many questions, but here's the worst type of question asking at all. And I hear, I see this all the time amongst men. Men who constantly ask their wives permission before they do anything. This is the worst. And by the way, before I get onto that point, let me say this. You say, well, I have to ask my wife's opinion because I want to make sure I do things right. Here's the thing. If you start doing something that your wife doesn't want, she'll tell you, right? If you start ordering the wrong thing, she'll stop you and tell you, okay? So just don't worry about it. It's better to just start ordering, you know, than to just start asking a bunch of questions because she'll tell you if you do it wrong, okay? But anyway, the worst ever is asking permission for everything that you are doing personally. Stuff that doesn't even affect her. You know, I mean somebody invites you, for example, you know, on a day when you have nothing going on with her and it's just, you know, hey, can you go with us and go do this? Well, let me go ask my wife. Let me go see if it's okay with my wife. You know, hey, can you do this? Hey, you going to do this? And just constantly asking your wife's permission. You know what? When you ask your wife when you ask your wife's permission, I'm not really the boss. You're the boss. So to sit there and say, well, you know, the husband's the head of the home, but honey, is it okay if we go to church on Sunday night? Or is it okay, can we go to the, can we go to the, what's the thing called on Thursday? The chili cook-off. You know, can we go to the chili cook-off, honey? Is that alright? Now you just need to just make a decision and just say we're going to the chili cook-off. No we're not going trick-or-treating, no I'm just kidding. What I'm saying is, if you're always asking permission, you basically become like the Queen of England, where you're this figurehead where everybody pretends that you're in charge but you're not really in charge. I mean, is the Queen of England really the one who wields political power in England? No. But it's a pretend leader. And that's what we have today in a lot of Baptist churches. We have a lot of men who are pretend leaders. They're not really the boss in their home. And whenever they want to do anything, they have to ask their wife's permission because they're not really the boss. They're failing as a leader. Go to 1 Corinthians 14, 1 Corinthians chapter 14, and the next point I want to make is that as a leader, you always want to make it very clear what you expect of your followers. You know, if you're an employee at a job, nothing's worse than when the expectation of what your job performance is supposed to be is unclear. You know, you don't know what does the boss want me to do? What do they expect of me? And when you're given instructions that are vague, you're given directives that are not clear, it makes it very frustrating as a follower. What you like as a follower is to be given a clear goal of this is the work you need to accomplish, this is what I want you to get done. Now I'm not talking about being a micromanager, but I'm talking about just giving a clear command and giving a clear expectation of this is what I expect from you. Here's what I want you to get done. Look at 1 Corinthians 14, 8, it says, For if the trumpet give an uncertain sound, who shall prepare himself to the battle? So likewise ye, except ye utter by the tongue words easy to be understood, how shall it be known what is spoken? For ye shall speak into the air. So the Bible is saying here not to give an uncertain sound as a leader. The trumpet is to call the troops into battle and when you hear that, you know, charge! But what if you just hear like, do we charge, do we not charge, what do we do? And so he says that's how it is when you speak in a way that's unclear. And so a lot of husbands are not clear with their wife what they expect of their wife. They don't communicate the requirements. They don't communicate what they expect. I mean, if you're going to be the leader, if you're going to be the boss, if you're going to be the lord of your home, okay, then basically you must have some rules or expectations or you must be giving some directives and those directives need to be clear. See a lot of wives today, they don't even know what they're supposed to be doing. They don't even know where they stand with their husband. And honestly, a lot of husbands will get angry at their wife but they never really told her what they wanted her to do, you know, because she didn't do it right. You know, they get angry because their wife's not living up to their expectation but they haven't really given clear directives. Now first of all, if you're asking your wife's permission, you're sending an unclear signal because it's like, well do you want to be the leader or not? You're sending me a mixed message here. But there are a lot of ways where you can give your wife a clear instruction. Now one of the things that will help you with this is you must refrain from being overly polite. Now I'm all for being polite and respectful and kind and treating your wife with honor and respecting her, but there is a tendency sometimes to be overly polite. What do I mean by that? This is something that I've struggled with in the past but I've corrected it. See and look, I'm not getting up here tonight telling you I'm the ultimate leader. You know, some of these things I've failed in the past but here's the difference. I've learned from my mistakes and grown as a leader. And let me tell you something, I have had a tendency to be overly polite sometimes. Like for example, if I need my wife to do something, sometimes I would say, honey, do you think that you could possibly do X, Y, and Z? And basically I felt that I was just being polite. Oh honey, would you mind doing this, this, and this? But in reality when I use that type of overly polite speak, would you be so kind as? Do you think you might possibly consider deigning to do thus and so? Okay, what I'm doing now is I'm making it sound optional. When in my mind it's not really optional. I mean in my mind I'm saying, do this, okay, do this. But I'm phrasing it as a question, I'm phrasing it as, if you have time, would you be so kind, do you think you could? And in my mind I'm just being polite. But what I'm really doing is sending a mixed signal. I'm sending a mixed message, I'm making it sound optional. And then basically even just subconsciously she's thinking, well do I have time or am I that kind? Would I be that kind as to do that? So basically what I would say is refrain from being overly polite and just learn to issue commands. And I'm not saying to be a drill sergeant, I'm not saying to be a jerk. And you know what you should do, instead of being overly polite, instead of just saying please and thank you and would you be so kind as all the time, take those words out of your vocabulary and instead just praise your wife for what she does well. Like for example, the Bible talks about in Proverbs 31, it says, she looketh well to the ways of her household and eateth not the bread of idleness. Her children arise up and call her blessed. Her husband also and he praiseth her. Many daughters have done virtuously but thou excelest them all. So the Bible teaches us as husbands that we should praise our husband, I mean praise our wife. Good night, this is 2013. The Bible teaches that we as men should praise our wife. We should rise up and praise her. But if we look at men in the Bible talking to their wife and we look at what the Bible teaches, the Bible does not teach using this overly polite language with our wife. For example, look at Abraham telling Sarah what he needs in Genesis chapter 18. He just tells her, go do this. He doesn't say go please, thank you, would you be so kind as, he just says go do it. When Jesus comes to the woman at the well, what does he say? Woman, give me to drink. And you say, oh that's awful. That's Jesus. That's what he said. And I don't think he was being rude, I don't think he was being a jerk. He's just basically being clear is what he's doing. You can still be nice, you can be kind, but you can be clear. And if something's a command, phrase it as a command. If something's optional, then yeah, make it optional. Things are optional, right? Some things are just, yeah, if you would be so kind or if you do have time. But you know what, when you actually want to get something done, don't phrase it overly polite and then get upset when she doesn't get the message. No it's your fault, husband. You're not making the message clear. You're not giving a clear expectation of what you want to get done. Look at Luke 17 verse 7, Luke 17 verse 7, and this leads me to another point as well. Luke 17 verse 7 says this, but which of you, having a servant, this isn't as much for a husband, but this speaks to the same principle when it comes to employers and employees because a lot of these leadership principles carry over into your job. It says in Luke 17 verse 7, but which of you having a servant plowing or feeding cattle will say unto him by and by when he is coming from the field, go and sit down to meet and will not rather say unto him, make ready wherewith I may sup and gird thyself and serve me till I have eaten and drunken and afterward thou shalt eat and drink. Doth he thank that servant because he did the things that were commanded him? I try not. So right there we see that you don't necessarily get a thank you from your boss at work every time you do your job and we as bosses at work need to be careful that we don't thank our employees every time they do their job because then it makes it seem like they're doing us a favor when really they're just doing their job. So I think that it's great to be kind and polite, but I think being polite can go too far sometimes and it makes it seem like we're not really the boss. We're not really having authority and we're just phrasing things as questions and would you be so kind and would you pretty pretty please with sugar on top. No it needs to just be woman give me to drink. Okay and this is biblical preaching. But if you would turn your Bible to 2 Timothy chapter 2. You know first of all as leaders our goal is to be respected. Our goal is to receive reverence and we should love our wives and we should get and we should give our wives all of our love and affection and be very loving and very affectionate. But in return we should get respect and reverence as a husband. The Bible says the wife see that she reverence her husband. Now how do we get that reverence? We start out by being respectable, by being worthy of reverence right? But also we should expect that reverence. For example as a pastor I strive to be respectable. I try to do the best I can to preach a biblical sermon, to do the soul winning, to do the Bible reading, to live the life, to practice what I preach. I'm not perfect but I strive to be respectable but there still could come in a trend that just says hey what's up Steve? And that could spread and become the trend. But there did have to come a time as a pastor where I basically had to say no. It's Pastor Anderson. And that time might have to come on your job of no it's Mr. Anderson or no it's Mr. whatever your name is. And it might have to come in your home of telling your wife this is how you're going to talk to me. Now look it doesn't have to be a mean thing. It doesn't have to be harsh or straight but you know what it does sometimes fall under the category of giving your wife a clear directive. I mean if there's a certain way that you want your wife to talk to you, you need to tell her that. Say this is what I expect. And honestly death and life are in the power of the tongue and the way that we talk has a great bearing upon our attitude whether we're husband or wife. But another thing that is important I think is that you should make sure, you should demand a certain amount of respect. You know what? You're living a life that's worthy of respect, you should demand a certain amount of respect in the way that you're spoken to. And I think that another key place where you should demand respect is that I believe that you should be served first at all meal times. Now I strongly believe in this. And you say well that's old fashioned and I don't agree with that. Now look what the Bible says, it says the husband men that laborth must be first partaker of the fruits. Okay if you're the one who paid for the meal, you're the husband men that laborth, you should be the first partaker of the fruits. Look down, flip over to Titus chapter 2 verse 4. Titus chapter 2 verse 4 says that they may teach the young women to be sober and watch this, to love their husbands to love their children. Now do you see the order there? Love their husbands, love their children. Now in most homes what happens is the children are served first, then the husband is served. That happens a lot in today's world. And there are a lot of justifications for that. A lot of people will say well the reason for that is because the kids are going to complain if we don't feed them first. And so the wheel that squeaks the loudest gets the most oil. You know we've got all these little mouths, and we've got a lot of little bottomless pits in my house, but you know all these little mouths clamoring to be fed. And so the wisdom becomes well let's just get the kids all dialed in, let's get the kids all set up with food and shut them up, and then feed dad last. And then the other wisdom says well the children, they can't wait as long to eat, but dad should have more self control. I mean he's an adult, he has a little more patience, he can wait a few more minutes to be fed. Now look, this has nothing to do with self control. This has nothing to do with oh I just can't wait another two minutes to eat. I'm just that hungry. That's not why I demand to be served first in my home. The reason that I demand to be served first in my home is a matter of principle, okay? And the reason why is that I don't want my children to grow up thinking the whole world revolves around me. And again, this is just a misguided trying to be nice, and this is the failure of modern men. In their zeal to be nice, they're failing as leaders and husbands. And so therefore, because we want to be nice, we want to let everybody else eat first and we're going to eat last because we're nice. But what you're doing is you're telling your children you run the house, you guys are in charge, you guys are the most important. The whole world revolves around you, whereas if you demand that you be served first at meal times, you know what you're saying? I run this house. I'm the boss here. I'm the leader here. I'm going to be served. I pay the bills. You will eat next to the children. That is biblical. We saw it in Luke 17 and we saw it in the scriptures that I just showed you. The chain of command, the priority there. And you know what? This is psychological, okay? That every single day, three times a day or two times a day, Dad is being served last and then the next day, Dad's served last again. And then there's 365 days in a year. So basically if this is two meals a day, 730 times a year, you're sending a message to your wife and to your kids, I'm not the leader here. I'm taking a back seat. I'll go last. I'll go to the back of the bus. You're not showing leadership. You're not being the boss. The boss is going to be served first, okay? And this is helpful and it's not anything to do with impatience or selfishness. It's just about having a proper respect, just like my children call me Dad. My children call my wife Mom. They're not going to call me Steve. You know, the church members call me Pastor. You know, we call the boss by his last name. Children call adults by their last name. Look, it's just showing respect. And all of these things seem like little things, but in the aggregate, you know what they do? They add up to a clear picture of who is in charge in that home. You know who's in charge? The one who pays the bills, the one who looks like a boss, the one who walks into the room, sits down at the table, and is served first. And the one who's given clear directives, clear commands. He's making it clear what he expects of his children. He's making it clear what he expects of his wife. He's making it clear which direction the family's going. He's saying, as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord. And he's providing a clear model of that, and he's not making it optional. Now go if you would to Proverbs 17, Proverbs chapter 17. And you know what, this is not, this is probably not going to go down as the most clever, well put together, three points in a poem type outline. But honestly, if you're a man today and you're listening and you're taking what I'm saying seriously, you're going to have a way better marriage, honestly. Because you know what, in your zeal to be nice, in your zeal to be friendly, you're just constantly sending a message to your wife, I'm weak. I'm a weakling. And let me tell you something, women do not respect a weakling. Women respect strength, okay, they want leadership. And today all across America, wives are just waiting for their husband to take the lead. And you know what, don't you dare get in your car after this sermon and ask your wife, is that true honey? Would you like me to start giving you clearer commands? Would you like me to start telling you what to do more? Do you really want me to demand to be served first at meal times and to be called sir and to be treated with reverence? I mean, is what Pastor Anderson is saying really true? If you ask that question, you've already failed. Okay? You need to just understand that what I'm telling you is the truth. What I'm telling you is biblical, okay? You can't prove anything that I've said tonight wrong from the Bible. I'll tell you that right now. And let me say this, okay, wives today are looking at their really nice husband and they're thinking that he's a pathetic weakling. Why? Because he wants things to be done a certain way, but he doesn't have the guts to come out and say it. And he's walked over roughshod by the children, he's walked over roughshod by the wife. I mean, think about it. How many times have you seen a husband or a father who's indignant about the way his daughter is going out the door dressed? Think about this. The daughter's going out the door and she's dressed like a hoochie mama and you can tell he's mad, but he doesn't have the guts to say anything about it. And you know what's going to happen? She's going to dress that way again and again and again. Or the wife. The wife is dressed inappropriately and the husband hates it. You know, and nothing is more despicable than husbands who complain about their wives to other men. And it happens all the time, I mean, I've even seen it happen in this church, I've seen it happen in other churches, husbands, oh my wife this, oh my wife this. And you know what I always tell them? And this just shuts them up. Oh my wife does this. I just always say, well why don't you just demand that things be done your way in your house? Why don't you just fix that? If you don't like that, if you don't approve of that, then why don't you fix that? Why don't you be the boss, aren't you the leader, aren't you the boss in your home? You know it's time for men to step up to the plate and say look, I'm the boss, I'm the leader, we're going to do it this way. And there are too many men today who instead they're whining and complaining and look, you say well I don't want to be a jerk. Look, this isn't about being a jerk. Your wife will be happy when you lead. Women want their husband to be a strong leader. They want to be married to a man. Look what woman wants to be married to a milk toast man? Do you think that little girls are dreaming about growing up and marrying a spineless, watered down weakling of a husband that disapproves of what they dress like, disapproves of the food they make, disapproves of the friends they have, disapproves of the life they live, disapproves of the way that they talk to them but doesn't have the guts to say anything about it. No, they just look at it as spineless, weak, pathetic, and guess what, both husband and wife are unhappy. We need some men that'll just be clear, that'll just be a leader, that'll just step in and say honey, this is what you're going to do. This is what we're going to do. This is how it's going to be. And instead of just whining and complaining or even just being mad in your heart, why get mad? Just get things done the way that you want them done. Don't get mad, don't get upset about it. And look, women will respond to strong leadership. You might have to sometimes drag them kicking and screaming, but in the end they'll thank you for being the boss and for taking the lead. Now look, here's a key point, and I hope you're listening to this sermon, this is all I have time for, but here's another key point. Proverbs 17 verse 14 says, the beginning of strife is as one letteth out water, therefore leave off contention before it be meddled with. Okay, now this is a key verse. Now, when this talks about the beginning of strife being as one when one letteth out water, kind of a tongue twister there, but what that reminds me of, what it makes me think of is the old proverbial, the little hole in the dam, right? And you remember the legend about the little boy in Holland where the dam had a hole in it and he put his finger in the hole and then basically he saved the whole village or whatever, who's ever heard that story, right? Just by putting his finger in the hole. Because when you start to let out water, then pretty soon that whole dam is going to come crashing. Once there's a leak in the dam, the pressure builds up and eventually it's going to just destroy the whole thing. So that's what the Bible is teaching here, when it says the beginning of strife, and what is strife? Arguing, bickering, contention. The beginning of strife is as one, why can I not read this verse? The beginning of strife is as when one letteth out water. Okay, it's saying it starts out small, pretty soon the whole dam is going to burst and it's going to be just this, you know, what this is saying is a little tiny argument can lead to a big fight, right? So it says the beginning of strife is as when one letteth out water, therefore leave off contention before it be meddled with. So what it's saying is plug that hole, don't get sucked into this big contention, arguing, striving. Now, this is a tough one, but honestly you must learn as a husband to stop arguing with your wife and trying to prove to her that you're right. Okay, now here's why this is so important. Because when you argue with your wife to try to prove to her that you're right, what you're sending a message of is that she should obey you because you're right. See if I argue with my wife and I'm going to prove to her that I'm right, what I'm saying is obey me because I'm right. You say, well what's wrong with that? Well here's the problem, she doesn't think you're right. So she has been programmed by all the times that you're telling her I'm right, I'm right, I'm right, I'm right, I'm right. You know what you're basically saying is like, I have to prove to you that I'm right or else you don't have to obey me. You know, obey me because I'm right. No, no, no. Why does the wife need to obey their husband? Because he's right? No, because the Bible says therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands and everything. The Bible says wives to obey their own husbands. So the reason for a wife obeying her husband is not because he's right, it's because he's the boss. It's because the Bible says. So when you're arguing and saying, no, I'm right, let me explain why I'm right. And look, this is a tough one for me because I always want to prove my point. You know, I mean I'm a preacher. So I always want to prove my point that I'm right. And preachers, we as preachers, we believe that we're right about so many things. That's just part of the personality of being a preacher, is you want to be right. You want to know you're right and you want to tell everybody how right you are. But you know what? This is a mistake. And you must understand that you don't have to prove to your wife that you're right all the time. You know, I tell my wife X and she says, no, it's Y, I'm not going to sit there and spend a half hour proving to her X. And if I do, I'm sending the wrong message. What I need to do is just, no, we're doing it my way. End of story. I don't want to talk about it. And you know, sometimes you may have to just leave it at that. And you know, if your wife just wants to keep talking about it, you know, you may just have to go to another room or just, you know, I'm done with this conversation. You know, be polite, be friendly. You know, this is just practical advice. Just go to another room. You know, or if it's on the phone, just say, you know what, honey, I'm going to let you go now. You know, I've told you how it is. I'll see you later. You know, instead of just sitting there and just going back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. Because you know what? What starts out as just a really mild, we've all been there, right? A mild disagreement with your spouse escalates and the whole damn bursts, okay? Right? I mean, who's been there? Don't raise your hand. Don't raise your hand. But what I'm saying is we need to leave off strife. There's no reason in the world to have a drawn-out argument with your wife. No reason in the world. If you're the boss. Now, if you're not the boss, if you're in one of these 50-50 queer-looking marriages where there's no difference between male and female, where you're this little hand-pecked little sissy, then yeah, you're going to need to argue and fight and bicker because, you know, you have this 50-50 thing going. How does that even work? No wonder 75% of marriages end in divorce. How does it work 50-50? What happens when we just don't agree? Where are you going to go? I mean, you're right. There is no such thing. 50-50 equals the woman's in charge, is what that means. Somebody in the end of the day, it goes their way. Who's it going to be? And so if you're the boss, then you don't have to argue and fuss. And look, who here just really enjoys arguing with your spouse? Am I the only one? No, I'm just kidding. I don't. I'm just throwing my hand up as an illustration. Husbands don't enjoy arguing. Wives don't enjoy arguing. It's not making anybody happy. It's just making everybody miserable. It's just fighting and arguing. You know what? Things just need to just go your way because you're the boss. You know what I mean? Look, I'm not saying to be selfish because as a husband, you should try to do things to make your wife happy. You should strive to please her and give her what she wants. I'm not one that just wants to do everything my way. I really try to do things that my wife likes. You know, when I'm picking a vehicle, you know what? I took in mind what vehicles she likes. You know, that was important to me. She talked about different vehicles that she liked. I didn't go ask her, hey honey, which vehicle are we going to buy? I just observed when she kept putting the advertisement for a certain vehicle on my desk and gave me all these really subtle signs about it. But I'm saying, I went down there and we went to the car dealership to pick out the vehicle and my wife said, I want to test drive it. I want to test drive it. I said, no. I'm test driving it. That's enough. I'm going to pick this vehicle. And I test drove it. You know, I looked at it. I decided on it. And then I bought it. You know, because I'm an adult, okay? And you know, you can't just go through life as a man like you're this toddler and you're married to your mommy. And that's how a lot of marriages are and it makes wives be disgusted with their husband. And look, I'll close on this point. I'm going to close, we're going in a big circle and we're landing the plane right where we took off. We started with 1 Peter 3.7, which I think is a very key verse for husbands. There's so much in this verse, you know, you can't even expound it all. Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honor unto the wife as unto the weaker vessel and as being heirs together of the grace of life that your prayers be not hindered. Look, the wife is the weaker vessel. You say, what if my wife doesn't obey? She's the weaker vessel, okay? What is she going to do? What is she going to do about it? I mean, is your wife just able to body slam you when she doesn't get her way? I mean, think about it. What is your wife? I mean, look, if you just say, honey, this is how we're going to do it. And then she tries to argue and you just, I'm not going to listen to it. This is how we're going to do it, okay? Your wife has no recourse against you, okay? She's not going to beat you up. She's not going to body slam you. Just do what you need to do. I mean, just lead. Just make the rules in your home, okay? And quit being afraid of your own shadow is what I'm saying. And honestly, if you'll take the lead, if you'll put some of these principles into practice, your wife's going to be happy. She's not going to battle you on this. I mean, she will a little bit and then honestly, everybody's going to be happier. Everybody's happier when things are biblical and when things are in their proper place. And so, you know, don't be so worried about it. You know, just do what needs to be done. Just take the lead. Do what, you know, and honestly, everything will be fine. Let's bow our heads and have a word of prayer. Father, we thank you so much for your word and Lord, I would honestly hate to be married if I weren't a Christian because our world is so goofy the way that they look at marriage and the way that they look at men and women. They actually believe that there's no difference between men and women, which is a very perverted view and Lord, I thank you so much for your word and its guidance and the truths, Lord. Help me to be a good husband. Help me to provide the best I can. Help me to love my wife and to make her feel very loved and to treat her very well and to treat her very kindly and respectfully. But Lord, also help me to be the leader that I need to be and to demand respect and to demand obedience in return. Help us all to be a Christian husband as you would have us to be and in Jesus' name,