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All right, we're here in Genesis chapter 2 and we're gonna continue our series on fundamental family tips and last week sermon You know, I gave you a heads up. It's probably gonna be the roughest sermon I've ever preached but quite honestly the rest of the series It's really not gonna be sermons that are really necessarily stepping on your toes But just things that will be very helpful for us in whatever stage we're in and today's sermon is on marriage Okay, fundamental family tips on marriage now. Look I've been married six years. So we're just talking about the basics I'm still learning. I'm not claiming to be an expert on marriage, but I will tell you what It's the fundamentals that make you great at anything, right? It's being good at the basics Like if you want to find the greatest basketball players in the world They can shoot they can dribble doesn't mean they can do the fanciest crazy moves But can they do the basics and if you get good at the basics in life, you're gonna be very successful That is reality So we're gonna hit the basics of what the Bible teaches on this and if we apply these to our lives It will help us that are married to have a good marriage. Now you say brother Stuckey. I'm not married in this room Well, I mean one day you might be married though, right many of you one day You're planning to get married and it's good to know these things ahead of time to prepare and also to know what you're looking for Okay, whenever the Word of God is opened we can learn God's Word has power All Scripture is given by inspiration of God so during this sermon series these sermons are specific to certain things and Some of them might not directly apply to you, but any time the Word of God is open we can learn Okay, so when it comes to fundamental family tips with marriage Point number one when you get married the Bible teaches there is a cleaving Okay, you get married and you cleave on to your spouse Genesis 2 verse 21 and the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam and he slept and he took one of his ribs And closed up the flesh instead thereof and the rib which the Lord God had taken from man made He a woman and brought her onto the man So literally the woman is taken from the man verse 23 and Adam said this is now bone of my bones And flesh of my flesh. She shall be called woman because she was taken out of man notice verse 24 Therefore whenever you see the word therefore it is connecting what was just said with what's about to be said Right because of this this Therefore verse 24 shall a man leave his father and his mother and shall cleave on to his wife And they shall be one flesh see the Bible says that when you get married you cleave on to your spouse Right men leave father and mother cleave on to their wife Women leave father and mother they cleave on to their husband which means the number one most important Relationship in your life if you're married is with your spouse. It's number one It's above your friends at work. It's above your co-workers You know it's the number one relationship is with a person you are married to you become one flesh Okay, turn to Judges 19 Judges 19 Judges chapter 19 And so look there are many ways that that we need to apply this as parents Okay, an example of this is when you have kids right you know the other day my son Handed me like a container of Oreos and what he's saying is dad Can you please open these Oreos because I want to have this cookie right and I'm thinking man if I wasn't on this diet Then I would open those and eat those cookies But my son handed it to me. He wanted me to give them to him well my son hadn't eaten anything healthy So I said no you can't have the cookies So what does a two and a half year old do they hand those same cookies to mom? Right the little kids try to pit mom and dad against each other well Here's the thing I had already made the decision okay, so since I made that decision. What should the wife do? Be on board with what the husband decided now Here's the thing if my wife was the one handed the cookies at first and she said no You know what I wouldn't open the cookies either Why because my wife is the head of my son, and I'm not gonna overrule my wife in front of my kids You know kids need to see that mom and dad are one They're a team and look I don't remember everything from when I was a kid But I remember a couple times when you know I was in one room I asked dad and he says no What do I do I go to mom and see whether or not she's gonna be okay with it, right? But look when you're married you become one spouse husband and wife you're together okay judges 19 And in judges 19. This is the most weird Bizarre perverted story in the Bible we're not gonna get to the bad stuff, but this is Genesis 19 on steroids I think judges 19 is far worse than Genesis 19 okay, but I want you to realize in this story what we're gonna see is we're gonna see a man and a Woman that are married that need to apply this of cleaving on to their spouse, okay? And one thing that can separate this is sometimes parents right when you get married It says as guys you leave father and mother and cleave under your wife, and you two become one flesh Here's the thing as a married person I love my parents you know my parents were great parents, and you know on most things I would agree with them, but there are gonna be some things with raising my children Which I'm gonna have a different opinion than my parents Right with a new family of husband and wife the husband and the wife need to make those decisions Oftentimes people allow their parents to make the decisions for them Okay, and look your parents have your best interest in heart They love you they care about you But you need to realize when you get married to become one flesh And that is the number one most important relationship an example. This is in Judges 19 Judges 19 verse 1 and It came to pass in those days When there was no king in Israel that there was a certain Levite's adjoining on the side of Mount Ephraim who took to him a concubine out of Bethlehem Judah and his concubine played the whore against him and went away from him under her father's house to Bethlehem Judah and was there four whole months, okay? Now I want to take a couple minutes to explain what a concubine is because it's gonna help you understand this story There's a lot of different opinions. What is a concubine some people and here's the thing if you look this up online with dictionaries There's a lot of different definitions, and they contradict one another whenever we believe anything. How do we determine it? What does the Bible say? Some people think this is a living girlfriend some people think it's husband and wife. There's a lot of different opinions Well, what does verse 3 say and her husband arose? Does it sound like they're married and Her husband arose. I mean plain as day. They're married her husband arose Okay, these two people are married you say I don't know brother Stuckey. What does verse 4 say and his father-in-law? They're married right clear as day They're married and we could tell that from verse 2 because think about this if they're just living together Living girlfriend and boyfriend and she cheats on him and leaves for four months. He's not going after her. It's done It's over but these two are actually married to one another that's what it says in verse 3 and 4 her Husband verse 4 his father-in-law now realize during this time period they didn't have cell phones Right. I mean if your wife leaves for four months, it's going to take effort to track them down Realize this man. He has a job to make money I mean money's not just raining from the sky and when you read these stories You got to think about it his vacation for the year is going after his wife His vacation is going after his concubine to bring her back. You say brother Stuckey if this is his wife Why does it say concubine? Well, look up concubine every time in the Bible. What is a concubine? It's a specific type of wife. It is a bond servant that becomes your wife Right throughout the Bible Hagar was the wife of Abraham according the Bible, but it also says this is concubine She was a servant from Egypt. What about Jacob? He had four wives the Bible says Billa, Zilpah, Leah and Rachel. Billa and Zilpah were concubine wives It's a specific type of wife. Okay, we see that here in Judges 19. You say why is that important? It's important to understand this story because as you read Judges 19 this man loves this woman You say what's the proof? He went after her She's left him. She cheated on him for four months. He went after her There's proof that he actually loves her. He actually cares about her. So he goes after this woman Okay, now read verse 2 and his concubine played the whore against him Okay, so here's a woman that cheats on her husband. She plays the whore against her husband Okay, then it says this and went away from him under her father's house to Bethlehem Judah and was there four whole months So she cheats on him then she goes home to dad Isn't that what we see in the story? She plays the whore against him and then she leaves him and goes to be with dad Now we don't know the source of these marriage problems. It doesn't give us all that information I don't know whether he's mean or what happened. We don't know why she cheated against him We don't know why she went home, but we see she's doing the opposite of cleaving under her spouse, right? She is going to live with at least dad maybe mom and dad when there's a fight there's a problem. Okay, she's leaving him Okay. Now look at what it says in verse verse 5 verse 5 and It came to pass on actually, let me go to verse 3 Let me read that to you verse 3 and her husband arose and went after her and notice this to speak friendly onto her He loves her he cares about her is a man who has control of his emotions because he's trying to restore this marriage He speaks friendly onto her. Okay, he doesn't get there and just scream in her face. It's not a smart strategy He speaks friendly onto her the Bible says and to bring her again Having his servant with him and a couple of asses and she brought him into her father's house And when the father of the damsel saw him he rejoiced to meet him So the father-in-law is excited to see his son-in-law. Here's a father-in-law that likes his son-in-law He wants that relationship to work. He's excited. Yes You know what? My daughter acted like a fool, but my son-in-law he's coming here. This is good He likes him he gets along right to the best of our ability as people we get married We should try to get along with her in-laws, right? I'm not sitting up here saying hey you get married Never talk to them leave don't tell them where you live. That's that's foolish. You should try to get along I get along with my in-laws. My wife gets along with her in-laws, you know our families they get along Okay, and that is a good thing if possible Verse number four and his father-in-law the damsel's father retained him which means he kept him and he abode with him three days So they did eat and drink and lodge there. So he stays for three days in this house Okay, he's going to see his did bring back his wife. He's there at the father-in-law The father-in-law is happy to house this man and it makes sense as this is a concubine wife He probably thinks hey, you know, he must really love my daughter. I mean he came after her She did all these foolish things. She left him and you what he's happy to see his son-in-law Okay, this is not an in-law that dislikes his son-in-law. He this father-in-law likes him Okay, verse five and it came to pass on the fourth day So look, this is a lot of days not to be working right? There's not an online job He could have been doing during this time period, you know, he's just on the computer doing his job No, he's he's losing money because he's not working. This is like a vacation for him Okay, and it came to pass on the fourth day when they arose early in the morning that he rose up to depart So he decides you know what it's time for us to go. We got to get back home We got to get back with our lives. We got to get back to our normal relationship and life that we had Okay, and the damsel's father said unto his son-in-law comfort thine heart with a morsel of bread and afterward go your way He's saying just stay around for breakfast Eat some pandesal drink some coffee and then you can leave, you know at lunchtime or whatever Okay verse six and they sat down and did eat and drink both of them together for the damsel's father had said unto the man be Content I pray thee and Terry all night and let thine heart be merry another day's gone, right? He wakes up early to leave all of a sudden. It's the end of the day. He's like, hey just sleep over here again Okay, just stay over here one more night. You can just leave in the morning. Okay verse number eight and verse verse seven and when the man rose up to depart his father-in-law urged him therefore he lodged there again verse eight and he Rose early in the morning on the fifth day to depart and the damsel's father said said comfort thine heart I pray thee and they tarried until afternoon and they did eat both of them. So once again, he rises up early to leave It's the afternoon now The day is drawing towards a close and look if you're gonna be traveling somewhere you want to do it in the morning, right? You want to get up right early in the morning the sun's up you get started and you get going You don't want to wait till the afternoon Okay verse nine and when the man rose up to depart he and his Concubine and his servant his father-in-law the damsel's father said unto him behold now the day draweth toward evening I pray you tarry all night behold the day grows to an end Lodge here that thine heart may be merry and tomorrow get you early on your way that thou mayest go home So in this story saying just stay one more night and you know what? I'm not gonna read the rest of the story What I'm trying to show you is this that when the husband and the wife make a decision they need to agree on it together Okay, they've made a decision. We got to go. We got to get on with our lives and look he's very smart He comes to her speaks friendly on to her He loves her and he's trying to bring her back and the father-in-law is a great guy He likes him gets along with him But if the husband the wife make a decision they need to realize we cleave together We make our decisions in life and you know one thing that can sometimes influence that is our family Okay, turn to Song of Solomon 1 Song of Solomon 1 Song of Solomon 1 Song of Solomon chapter one, you know one example the Bible is with Abraham now if you know the story of Abraham Abraham's father was Not saved. Okay, and so God specifically told Abraham. Hey separate from your father because He's an unbeliever. He's gonna have a bad influence on you in terms of his beliefs now Abraham He said he obeyed that well. Yeah after his dad was dead. I mean, it's not really too hard to obey once You know, I mean, yeah, he obeyed he separated from his father I mean after they buried father, right and so I want you to realize this that you know what especially if you're around family That's unsaved that can be a bad influence on you when you get married You're supposed to cleave on your wife, which means the decisions you make you do them together. What's that mean? It means ladies if you get in a fight with your husband You don't call up mom and say, you know what my husband's the worst guy in the world Right because you're supposed to cleave on your spouse and settle that Situation or if you as a guy you get in a fight with your wife and then you call up mom and dad and say man My wife's the worst she did this you say why is that a bad idea because in a few days you're gonna forgive your spouse But your parents are gonna hate their guts forever Right. I mean you want to settle this together as husband and wife when you have problems. Okay, and look you say brother Stuckey I'm gonna be married one day and I'm never gonna get in any fights Okay The next points on conflict is I all right. Good luck with that. It's like no conflict is part of marriage. It's reality Okay, so I want you to realize when you have problems It also means you don't call up your best friends at church or other people You know and say my guy did this my husband did this he's so bad and then all of your friends are gonna say Yeah, you're right. He's awful. Are they helping the situation? When husband and wife have problems they need to figure it out they need to settle it They need to talk about it alone not in front of other people and they need to get it figured out point Number one was cleaving. Okay, and I want you to realize, you know when it comes to cleaving I'm not saying that you can't necessarily be in the same house if you're living in different spaces But what I'm saying is that when you get married your number one relationship is with your husband or with your wife You cleave on your spouse It's a more important relationship than with your mom or with your dad or with your son or with your daughter to become one It's a great mystery the Bible says but that's what the Bible says to become one Okay point number one was cleaving point two is conflict or fights Okay conflict. So when it comes to conflict, there's three aspects the causes of conflict During the conflict and then the aftermath. Okay. So what are the causes of conflict? Okay, you're in Song of Solomon chapter 1 and one of the big causes of conflict is quite simply we pass on Problems to our spouse a guy goes to work. He has a bad day He messes up the Excel spreadsheet accidentally saves over it messes everything up. It's a disaster He's mad he comes home He's he's rude to his wife and then she's rude back and then you got a fight Right or the mom's there with the kids and just everything's a disaster, right? I mean you've changed like 27 diapers and the kids are sick and everything's going wrong. You're in a bad mood You're rude your husband when he comes home and there's a conflict Okay One of the big causes of conflict in marriage is really we allow things on the outside of our marriage To get us to have a fight with her spouse We're upset and then we're rude to the person that we're closest to that we have this relationship with okay now in Song of Solomon chapter 1 We have an example of a woman these two are married and she's not having the best day She is not in the best mood. Okay, Song of Solomon 1 verse 5 She says I am black But comely O ye daughters of Jerusalem as the tents of Kedar as the curtains of Solomon now when she says she's black She's not saying she's from Africa Okay, she's saying she's black for a specific reason verse 6 look not upon me because I am black Because the Sun hath looked upon me. She's saying I'm black I'm darker skin because I've been outside in the Sun. It's making my skin darker. Okay now I'll be honest This is kind of hard to understand as a guy because in the United as an American I mean because in the US it's considered that you're more attractive if you're dark Having Maputi skin is considered pangit. Okay, it's like everybody in the US wants to have darker skin You say brother Saki here people want lighter skin. Yeah, people always want what they don't have It's like instead of being thankful with what they have. They just want to be the opposite, right? I mean in the US people literally go to tanning salons and pay a hundred bucks to be artificially tanned So their skin isn't white. Okay, they pay money to have darker skin. You say brother Saki, man I wish I had lighter skin. Yeah, we all want what we don't have right and so look We ought to be happy with how God created us. Okay, the reason why her skin is darker here She's been out in the Sun a lot. Okay. I am black because the Sun hath looked upon me She says my mother's children were angry with me They made me the keeper of the vineyards, but mine own vineyard have I not kept tell me oh thou Whom I so loveth where thou feedest Where thou makest thy flock to rest at noon for why should I be as one that turneth aside by the flocks of thy? Companions so you can see by what she's saying. She's not really in the best mood man. I've been outside. I'm working You know, I'm tired. I'm exhausted the Sun looked upon me and everything and then she says where's my husband? It's noon verse 8 if thou know not this is him speaking Oh thou fairest among women go thy way forth by the footsteps of the flock and feed thy kids beside the shepherds tents Notice what he said in verse 8 if thou know not. Oh thou fairest among women What's he saying? You're the most beautiful woman there is She's saying I feel ugly. I Mean, I'm black the Sun looked upon me. I don't feel attractive. He's like you're the fairest woman You're the most beautiful woman you say guys you're like, you know, how do I make my wife happy if she's like Oh, I don't feel attractive Well, don't say yeah, you know, you're right. You don't look that good at that dress Sorry You know, you got to be smart Okay, and so, you know what it says is this he says oh thou fairest among women He responds very kindly verse 9. I have compared thee. Oh my love to a company of horses and Pharaoh's chariots Okay, now you say brother Stuckey, why did he compare her to a horse well You have to realize this is the daughter of the Pharaoh of Egypt. So she grew up around the most beautiful Most expensive and greatest horses there are he's not saying you're like a horse He's like man, you know, you're you're the greatest rhinoceros. There is you're the greatest elephant There is he's you know, he's saying you know what you're the greatest of all the you're the greatest You're like Pharaoh's horses cuz she grew up around the greatest horses that there were so she understands us Now if you give your wife a compliment make sure she understands what you're talking about Okay, but what he's telling her is she's the best. Okay, go to Proverbs 13 Proverbs 13 So that's how we need to respond if our spouse is in a bad mood and here's the reality All of us sometimes are just not in the best mood As husband as a husband sometimes I'm not in the best mood and I might not realize it but probably the way I respond is Very, you know abrupt bastos or rude just not the nicest not the kindest right all of us whether we're guys or girls Sometimes we're not in the best mood and we need to be very careful not to pass on our problems that don't have anything To do with our spouse, but we're having a bad day and we pass it on to our marriage Okay, Proverbs 13 verse 10 one reason is we pass on problems Another reason though the cause of conflict is this because we just have bad attitudes We just need to work on our character The Bible says in Proverbs 13 verse 10 only by pride cometh contention Only by pride cometh contention if there is a fight if there is contention You can guarantee that at least one person is prideful Usually Both are prideful, but at least one person is prideful So here's the thing you might get in arguments from time to time and maybe it's not you But look if if all of your co-workers you fight with them All of your church mates you fight with them all of your relatives you fight with them It's not because well, they're Catholic and because they did no it's you right because pride is part of contention And if you're always in fights You're prideful Right, it's common sense and here's the reality The reason why we get into a lot of fights with our spouses is because we need to work on our character It's because we have problems That's the reason why because if we were both very spiritual husband and wife, you know what those problems would drastically go down But only by pride cometh contention. It's our own faults. Okay turn to James 1 James 1 James 1 James 1 So we talked about the causes of conflict what about during conflict, okay the fight started You know, you you've woke up a sleeping lion. Okay, or sleeping tiger, whatever the fights going on What do you do if it's during the fight? Okay, you're emotional you have this situation One thing you might want to do if you're very emotional in the situation or if your spouse is very emotional Just take time to cool off away from each other Just take 30 minutes to calm down. Just walk into the other room You know just go out for a walk or do whatever just take some time to think about it Because you don't want to make big decisions when you're really angry and emotional you're gonna say things You don't mean you're gonna say things that are wrong. Just take a break from each other for a little while Okay, James 1 verse 19 wherefore my beloved brethren Let every man be swift to hear slow to speak slow to wrath Okay. Now here's the thing when two people get in a fight. What happens is either one is swift to hear They don't care about the other side. They're just like what can I say to hurt this person? It's like a competition It's like they say something where I'm gonna get them here here, you know in 2015 you did this in 2013 you did this well, we're opening up Christmas presents in 1991 and you said this It's like a battle to just say everything you can think of Just take some time to cool off Right, that would be smart because you need to be able to be you know What's swift to hear and here's the thing if fights happen and both sides were swift to hear and they just let the other person Talk calmly and you know what you could easily be done with the situation, but when people are emotional, they don't have control They've lost control. Look if it's during a fight just take some time to cool off now Here's the thing if you do this don't bring your cell phone with you Right two people take time to cool off and you're just like launching text messages and emails and everything towards each other That doesn't help the situation right take time just away from each other. Think about it. Pray about it Maybe ask God hey for what I did wrong. Can you help me out? Can you help me calm down and everything? And what's amazing is an hour later It's like it's completely different and you start realizing how foolish was I? You know, why did I lose my temper and everything turn to Proverbs 14? Proverbs 14 Here's the thing the advice this just fundamental tips It's not really complicated, but boy, it's hard to do when you're emotional Right when you're involved in a fight, it's really hard to just kind of calm down and think about it You know, we honestly don't have much control over our emotions We easily lose our temper in situations and what that reveals is we need to work on our character and look I'm including myself in this I'm not standing up here saying I never get in any fights Okay, my wife and I have never gotten in a fight before that's ridiculous. Okay people get in fights. It's part of life Okay, Proverbs 14 verse 29 He that is slow to wrath is a great understanding But he that is hasty of spirit exalteth folly the Bible says he that is slow to wrath The person that doesn't just immediately get mad. He is of great understanding Proverbs 16 go to Proverbs 16 Proverbs chapter 16 Proverbs 16 verse 32 He that is slow to anger is better than the mighty and he that ruleth his spirit than he that taketh the city You know the Bible saying what's more impressive? Than taking over a city or becoming a world leader Becoming the president or you know taking over and ruling one-third of the world. What's more impressive is just controlling your spirit Just controlling your attitude. It's actually more difficult just to control your own emotions, right? The Bible said that he that is slow to anger is better than the mighty and if we could just learn to control our temper We can learn to control our emotions the amount of problems we would have would be so much less in our lives Okay a feast or return to Proverbs 15 Proverbs 14 Proverbs 15, okay So look sometimes just take time to cool off Another thing is this never fight in front of other people You need to just make a decision as a married person I will never fight in front of other people the only time if we have a fight We will make sure I can control my spirit enough that if other people around we don't get in a fight You say why because when people get in a fight and others are around both people look terrible It doesn't even matter who was at fault both of you look bad, right? I mean if a husband and wife get in a fight in front of other people they both look bad You know sometimes you see this on Facebook, and I don't I don't get this right somebody is trying to like make their their their wife or their husband look bad on Facebook and it's like this is what my husband did and they send it out to all of these people and It's like it might be true what they say, but you know what you look foolish You look foolish for saying it Settle that one-on-one Don't just let everybody know about all the problems look if you get into a fight Don't do it in front of other people have enough control over your emotions to say you know what I'll just think about it And when we get home, we'll talk about it Okay, don't get in a fight in front of other people and dead sure don't get in a fight in front of your kids Kids need to see mom and dad as one flesh United together as one do not fight in front of your children, okay? Proverbs 15 so we talked about the cause of conflict During conflict and let's talk about the aftermath. Okay, you're gonna. You're gonna clean up the disaster that has taken place, okay? Proverbs 15 verse 1 you say what do I do brother Stuckey a Soft answer turneth away wrath a soft answer turneth away wrath You know it is amazing that if you get in a fight with someone, and you're really emotional But then they say those magic words. I'm sorry. I mean isn't it amazing how it just Usually you know what comes out of your mouth. I'm sorry too. Isn't that true? When you get into a fight if you are able to humble yourself I mean if you are more more greater or better than the mighty and Are able to just say I'm sorry and admit that you messed up boy It's amazing how a soft answer turneth away wrath and you want that is going to prevent That's going to help fix the problem that took place but the problem is oftentimes neither side is willing to say that they're sorry and They're waiting for the other person to say it right you know I remember when I was a kid I've one sibling. I have an older sister. She's two years older as you know sometimes You know as kids of course we got in fights you know I was six years old my sister's eight years old and we get in a fight or something like that and Sometimes I knew that I did wrong, but I said in the back of my head. I am 45% wrong My sister is 55% So if I am 45% wrong, I will not say I'm sorry until my sister says she's sorry Right you know your parents say you know say you're sorry Or we're going to spank you and so you just take the spanking you're just like I'm not going to say I'm sorry I'm only 45% wrong right and look this is how and look that's what kids do But isn't it true that us as adults do that too sometimes? Sometimes you get in a fight with your spouse. You know you did wrong but Either you didn't do as much wrong, or you don't think you did as much wrong, and you have the attitude. I will say I'm sorry After They say they're sorry isn't that true now? Here's the problem with this you know on times when I thought I was 45% at fault. I was probably like 65% at fault We always just think we're innocent in situations if anything happens. It's always their fault Right it's never my fault. It's always their fault. That's the reason why I have a problem look We need to just look at ourselves. It doesn't matter if you're 45% at fault 65% at fault or 1% at fault if you're 1% at fault you know what you should be able to say I'm sorry Even if they never apologize to you, but usually especially in marriage if you say you're sorry. What does your spouse do? They say they're sorry also isn't that true a soft answer turn with away wrath But grievous words stir up anger the tongue of the wise use of knowledge are right But the mouth of fools pours out foolishness you say brother Stuckey I'm right in this situation. I have the proper knowledge, and I didn't do wrong. They did wrong, but you know what if you were wise You would use knowledge or right meaning you would use that knowledge in the right way you might have a lot of knowledge You're showing you don't have a lot of wisdom though I mean if you get in a fight with your spouse you might be able to say something and you could be completely correct That's gonna make them upset and cry and really up, but you know what is that a smart way to use the knowledge you have What would be better I'm sorry or just think of something to win the fight What's your goal because you can win battles in life and lose the war isn't that true? You can win a battle and as a result of winning that battle you you lose the war. It's called a Pyrrhic victory Okay, I think it was between either Greece and Persia where that term came in or Greece and Rome a Pyrrhic victory We're basically one side put in all their effort, and they won that battle But as a result of winning that battle they use too many resources And they lost the war and if you focus on trying to win the battle with your spouse in a fight You're gonna lose the war meaning you're gonna. Have a bad marriage. Okay turn to Ephesians 4 Ephesians 4 Ephesians chapter 4 Now you say brother Saki, I'm not married this stuff doesn't apply to me. You know it'd be smart to learn practical fundamental tips ahead of time Right I mean if you learn these things and you apply these things and look here's the thing You can start working on your character before you're married Right because I mean that's showing that you're not gonna get as many fights Why don't you just work on those things and you know what it's gonna Help you have a better marriage when you do get married and say well You know once I'm married. I'll worry about that. I mean why don't you just get a head start on that okay? That would be the smart thing to do Ephesians 4 verse 26 So look Don't hold grudges after fights done say your sorrys say your your say I'm sorry forgive them move on don't hold any grudges and the other thing is this in the aftermath Settle these things before you go to sleep at night Settle these things before you go to sleep at night Ephesians 4 verse 26 be angry and sin not Let not the Sun go down upon your wrath Okay, let not the Sun go down upon your wrath No matter what happened. You're really angry with your husband. You're really angry with your wife Just make it a point to say you know what we're gonna settle this before we go to sleep at night You don't want it to just fester inside of yourself and the first thing you do you wake up, and you're just angry Right that's not the way to live your life You want to get things settled before you go to sleep? And you can have a clear conscience you go to bed, and you know when you're gonna wake up It's gonna feel like a brand new day, but if you let that settle overnight. It's only gonna get worse Okay, the Bible's telling you know what don't let the Sun go down upon your wrath Meaning settle it before you go to sleep at night. Don't just stay angry from day to day to day Okay, and here's the reality when people get in fights. It's very common for someone to bring up something that happened a year ago Two years ago, it doesn't sound like you're actually forgiving Say you're sorry and then move on and the past is the past But if you make it the present it's gonna still cause problems if you just threw it in the past you could both move on from that situation Turn in your Bible to Song of Solomon 5 Song of Solomon 5 Song of Solomon 5 Basic tips hard to apply though right that's reality a lot of things in the Bible are pretty basic But they're hard to apply Point one marriage is a cleaving point two. We talked about conflict point three. Let's talk about courting Okay, after you get married. You should still treat that marriage as if you're courting your spouse You should treat it as if you're not married, but you're still trying to impress the person you get married to that you're married to What one example this is staying in shape After we get married we should seek to try to stay in shape for the person we're married to the Bible says you know What your body? belongs to your spouse Okay Song of Solomon 5 verse 15 It says his legs are as pillars of marble set upon sockets of fine gold His countess is as Lebanon excellent as the cedars now when he says his legs are as pillars of marble This is a statement saying basically that he was in pretty good shape that he was very very strong Okay, now realize this that during this day people did a lot of manual labor jobs, right most jobs I've done it's just Typing and so in order to stay in shape you unless I mean I had strong fingers, right? I Mean, it's it's amazing some of those people I knew that you know back in in high school calls I've played a lot of video games like man their fingers were like so quick. I was like wow I mean you really developed that okay, but it's like if that's the sort of job We're always sitting around you might want to find some active hobbies to do Okay, and look in the long term it is good for us and she looks at her husband and says basically You know, he's in pretty good shape and look here's the thing. The truth is this before we're married We want to try to impress the person we're dating or if we're not dating anyone you we want to try to impress somebody, right? So you try to stay in shape and look good for the person that you're married to But then sometimes once we get married it's kind of like alright, I'm done. I'm in retirement It's like, you know, I don't need to worry about this anymore Okay One thing we should do is treat it as if we're courting someone and before you're married you try to stay in shape usually Right. Another thing is this dress nice Dress nice. Okay after you get married. Don't just say well I can just dress like a slob now Just wake up just in my pajamas and all day long. I'm just gonna wear my pajamas all day long I'm just gonna wear shorts and a t-shirt. Okay, would you show up to a date like that? I Mean would you honestly as a single person would you show up for a date with a person you're dating and just you show up? With shorts and a t-shirt with holes in it as a guy would you do that? It's like that's not gonna impress the person you're dating What you're gonna do is you're gonna put on nice clothes like you do when you come to church Right and look after we get married and and and the reality is when we put some effort into our marriage It is gonna result in benefits. It's gonna cause you to care more about them It's gonna show the person you're married to that you actually care about them Okay, one thing we should do is after we get married try to stay in shape. Also still try to dress nice Don't just say well I can just wear whatever I want and look like a slob all day That is not gonna help you have a good marriage go to Song of Solomon 1 verse 3 Song of Solomon 1 verse 3 You Should treat your marriage as if you're still courting your spouse you're still trying to impress them right stay in shape dress nice Smell nice right smell nice. Okay, Song of Solomon 1 verse 3 And look, I'm gonna give you Bible verses for this. The only one I didn't have Bible verses for are dressing nice I'm sure I could have found them if I look for them Okay But smelling nice Song of Solomon 1 verse 3 because of the savor of thy good ointments thy name is as ointment poured forth This is her talking about him. Therefore do the virgins love thee She's saying you know what all the ladies like this guy all the ladies like my husband He because of the savor of thy good ointments because he smells good Right. They have a favorable opinion just because he smells good. That's what she's saying Okay, so he smelled good according to the Bible verse 12 As did she verse 12 while the king sitteth at his table My spikenard sendeth forth the smell thereof a bundle of myrrh's my well-beloved on to me He shall lie all night betwixt my breasts. My beloved is on to me as a cluster of campire in the vineyards of Enjedi So what you're seeing is they're just Commenting about how she's saying he smells good and she tried to smell good and look the reality is if you show up for a date You're gonna try to smell good Right, you're gonna take a shower. You're gonna look nice. You're gonna dress nice. You're gonna do your best Why you're trying to impress them? Why not take that philosophy after you're married, too? Because you try to impress them because you want them to like you Here's the thing after you're married your spouse might stay married to you But if you want them to really like you you should put in some effort right there commenting how they smell good Imagine if your wife was honest, it's like my husband smells like a Dorian My wife smells like a crispy pasta, it's like It's like look, you know, obviously that's that's not gonna be good For your marriage. Okay, and these are just basic things and everything like that. Look, I'll be honest I'm not saying I'm perfect at all this stuff It's very easy on your day off to wake up and just wear shorts and a t-shirt and just be lazy and sit around But isn't it true that when you dress up, you're more productive Have you ever noticed that when you dress like a slob you act like a slob? I Mean when you wear shorts and a t-shirt, you know what happens somehow you get on Facebook more But you know when you put on nice clothes and everything and act like you're going to work even on a day off Somehow you do something productive That's the way it works. Now. I don't know why it works that way, but it is the way it works There's no question about that right go to a song of Solomon to a song of Solomon to song of Solomon to Try to stay in shape for your spouse try to dress nice try to smell nice now Look, I want you to understand on these points like for example staying in shape I'm not saying you have to be at the gym two hours every day or whatever Okay, but you know, there are some very simple things we can do to help with that Okay, I mean even just changing from a little bit less pop to a little bit more water and look I'm not saying I'm perfect at this I don't need the the perfect diet or whatever But I'm just saying we could make some effort make some small changes and it would benefit it would Help our health out quite a bit Okay, another thing when it comes to courting is if you're courting someone you go on dates, right? Well after you're married you ought to go on dates sometimes. Okay, Song of Solomon 2 verse 10 Or verse 8 Song of Solomon chapter 2 verse 8 The voice of my beloved behold he cometh leaping upon the mountains skipping upon the hills My beloved is like a rower young heart behold he standeth behind our wall He looketh forth at the windows showing himself through the lattice. Okay, she sees her husband coming home And she's excited, you know, there's a woman she's at home. She's waiting for her husband. He's coming home She's very excited verse 10. My beloved spake and said unto me rise up my love my fair one and come away What's he saying when he gets home? Let's go somewhere Now look when you get home from work, it's very easy to just sit around and do nothing Right me you're tired you come home from work. You just want to relax, but he says he comes home he says rise up my love my fair one and Rise up my love my fair one and come away Then he says this in verse 11 For lo the winter is past and the rain is over and gone now for us here in the Philippines the winter never started Okay But you know the rainy season is almost over. Okay, so look for lo the lockdown is past The rain is over and gone Okay, so one of these days when the lockdowns over and we're able to take our kids out, you know I'm not sure what year that's gonna be but It's like, you know, you come home rise up my love my fair one and come away. Okay, he comes home He's like, let's just go and do something. Okay, look realize this and you know, obviously as you end up having kids and stuff It's not as easy to go somewhere and some go somewhere and do things But you know, you could do something simple like just going to Jollibee going to the mall and just getting away It's gonna be good right, of course your dates are not gonna be as easy once you start having kids But you can still do something rather than let's just sit around every day We're just gonna sit around now every once in a while guys come home and say you know what? I'm gonna put off, you know, my my free time or whatever and just take my wife out Okay, and look when you're reading Song of Solomon because I love the book of Song of Solomon. Okay, it's a book I memorized a long time ago and there's so much practical wisdom in this book and I'll tell you what one thing You see is this we saw it in Song of Solomon one that when she is by herself and she's out in the Sun She's wondering at noon. Where's my husband and the reality is the Bible's trying to teach us There's a lot of stay-at-home moms that when they're home all the time. It's just kind of frustrating always being home Sometimes they just want to go somewhere and do something they just want to go out and do something and this this guy Solomon was a very good husband until You know, he married all the women whenever that happened. Okay, but he says rise up my love my fair one and come away Verse number 12 the flowers appear on the earth The time of the singing the birds is coming the voice of the turtle is heard in our land indicating springtime Okay The fig tree putteth forth her green figs in the vines with a tender grape give a good smell Arise my love my fair one and come away now look when it comes to going on dates It doesn't mean it has to be expensive. You could just go out on a walk somewhere You could just go out and do something very simple But just take the time sometimes to spend some time with your spouse Put aside the online preaching put aside the Facebook. It will help your marriage. Okay, Song of Solomon chapter 2 and Point number one was this Cleaving marriage is cleaving you cleave under your spouse point two. We talked about conflict Point three we talked about courting after you get married You know what? You should still be courting your spouse as if you're still trying to impress them and look This sermon is good for me to hear Because I'm not standing up here. Like I preach that man. I'm just perfect at all of this, right? it's like no I could really use this sermon and apply this to my life because I have a lot of work to do just like all of us do and point number four Comparing okay. Look whenever you think about your spouse if you ever compare them to anyone compare them in a good way Never compare them in a bad way Song of Solomon 2 verse 1 She says I am the rose of Sharon in the lily of the valleys Okay. Now this is the woman speaking. She says I am the rose of Sharon See, how do you know it's the woman speaking because a guy doesn't say I am the rose of Sharon. I Am the greatest bullock lock in the world, right? It's like no he's this is the woman saying I am the rose of Sharon She feels like I am the rose the number one greatest rose Of Sharon and the lily of the valleys, okay. She is the lily in the valley look Jesus is not the lily of the valley either my friend. This is the woman speaking I love the tune of that song and look I need to do lily of valley 2.0 sometime We can sing that song with that tune or rather change the words, but I remember this is a tangent Okay, I went to a church in West Virginia There's a good church, you know I like the pastor and everything and think about him from time to time and his son was preaching at like a preaching night And he did a good job. He preached for 10 or 15 minutes, and it was really entertaining You know really engaging in everything and he's going through this list of things like he's the king of kings The alpha and Omega all these powerful points. You're thinking amen. Amen. He's the lily of the valley it's like Awkward right I Mean here it's the woman speaking. Okay. It's not the guy speaking now I understand where people are confused because verse 2 is the guy speaking. It's not the girl speaking she says I am the rose of Sharon and the lily of the valleys and he says as The lily among thorns so is my love among the daughters He's saying when I compare you to all the daughters You are the lily among thorns all the other women are thorns and you're the lily okay, so he made her feel like she was the greatest woman in the entire world and when he speaks he says you are the Lily and then all of these other women are the thorns then in verse 3 it's her talking Okay, if you ever want to study Song of Solomon out, you know outline it write down and think about all the phrases first verse She's talking second verse. He's talking third verse. She's talking. He says she's the lily among thorns She says as the apple tree among the trees of the wood. So is my beloved among the sons She's saying he is the greatest tree among all these trees. Okay, the apple tree would be the one producing fruit All these other trees are nothing special. Okay now look be very careful when you read the Song of Solomon to an audio Bible because Sometimes they're wrong on who's talking. They'll have a woman start talking. It's like no, that's the guy Okay, and she says about him, you know as the apple tree among the trees of the wood So is my beloved among the sons. I sat down under his shadow. So this is her talking I sat down under his shadow with great delight and his fruit was sweet to my taste okay, you're seeing husband and wife both saying you're the greatest and That is how you should feel about the person you're married to. Okay, go to Song of Solomon 5 We'll look at a few more places Song of Solomon 5 Song of Solomon chapter 5 Song of Solomon chapter 5 verse 8 now in Song of Solomon chapter 5 you also see here She's not in the greatest mood. Okay, she's kind of in a bad mood and she's waiting Where's her husband and in verse 8 it says I charge you this is her talking I charge you Oh daughters of Jerusalem if he find my beloved that you tell him that I am sick of love, okay? Now she's not saying I don't want to be married anymore or I don't want to be with this guy It's just when you're when you're married you're pouring out your emotions your heart Mentally physically all of your energy into that person and sometimes it can be overwhelming And so it's probably that he's working and he's it's late. He's coming home It's later than normal right and she's wondering she's like, you know, where's my beloved when's he gonna come home? Now obviously in today's world we have cell phones a practical tip is hey Just text your wife or your husband just to check in every once in a while. Let them know how things are going Hey, I'll be home 30 minutes later today or something like that That's something we can do in our modern day. Very simple. That is a fundamental tip you can apply Okay, but she says I am sick of love verse 9. This is there. This is the daughters of Jerusalem responding to her What is thy beloved more than another beloved? Oh thou fairest among women What is thy beloved more than another beloved that thou dost so charges? What's so special about your husband? That's what they're saying. What's so great about him? You're wondering when's your husband gonna come home? What's so great about him? Why do you say he's better than other guys? Okay. Now look she's not in the greatest mood and Here's the thing if she had low character. This is when she'd probably say, you know what you're right Other guys would have been home 30 minutes ago Other guys, you know would have you know, taken me out to jolly be last night or whatever, right? I mean, it's like, you know, but she's not in the best mood But when they say this notice her reaction in verse 10 My beloved is white and ruddy the chiefest among 10,000. She says he's the best What's so great about him? And then she goes on and on and just says he's the best. There's no comparison My husband is the greatest husband in the world is what she's saying Genesis chapter 2 Genesis 2 Genesis 2 Look not only should we never fight in front of other people, but you know what you should never say anything negative About your spouse to other people don't say anything negative Don't criticize your spouse like my husband does this my wife does this that's foolish In this story and in the Bible you see you know what? She doesn't say anything negative about him and we're looking at the story that's gonna give us the ideal marriage to have Right of how they interact and guess what? They never criticize each other She never criticizes him to other people and look as people that are married. We should not criticize our spouse to other people It's not a wise thing to do and you know, here's the thing When you criticize it, all it does is make you dwell on that thing. You're talking about It doesn't help the situation right people that like to complain and criticize. All it does is make him more depressed Right if there's an actual problem something that your husband he's not right on by criticizing him That's just gonna make you feel worse about him and vice versa if you criticize or complain about your wife That doesn't make you all of a sudden magically It's all gone if I just complain about my spouse I'm gonna feel great after that for like five seconds and then you're gonna be dwelling on it and feel worse. That's reality Let us apply the wisdom of the Bible and she doesn't criticize him. He doesn't criticize her. Okay Now before we were my wife and I were married, you know My wife has been a Baptist an independent Baptist since she was 12 years old But not all independent Baptist churches are the same right Baptist churches are a little bit different So when we first started talking, of course We talked about the Bible a lot and various different topics and everything because obviously, you know You're trying to find out if somebody's gonna be your match and there's various Disagreements you could have where you just couldn't marry someone because you disagree on things So we'd have a lot of topics would come up. We talked about the rapture That was a fun conversation Every time we talked about it. We talked about Abraham's bosom, right? We're going through all these topics and you know on all these topics I'm showing her Well, I mean, this is not actually what the Bible says, right? And I was showing her and there's a lot of topics where you know She was had to change her mind on what she believed. I showed her what the Bible says and everything Well, I remember there's a topic that we we disagreed on and we had talked about it before and everything And I remember I was reading the Bible I was reading Genesis chapter 2 which we'll look at in a second and I was reading the Bible and I realized I'm wrong Boy, you hate being wrong, right? And then I remember telling my wife she was so happy I told her you know what you're right about this topic and then the smile on her face I mean, I've never seen her happier. She was so happy And so I realized I was wrong. Okay. Now what I believe in look you might disagree with what I'm gonna say And that's fine I'll show you the Bible verse and explain it like what I believe before is I didn't necessarily think that God designed one person Specifically for you to marry that is more like your own free will choice and everything like that But as I was reading the Bible I realized my wife was right that God has designed one person specifically for you Okay, and I'll show this to you in the Bible Genesis chapter 2 verse 18 Genesis 2 verse 18 now, obviously we realize obviously I realize that you know, if you go down the wrong road, you can screw it up Right, obviously, that's true. And here's the thing if you're married here today, you've made your choice Okay, you can and I'll tell you what as I'm studying the book of Hosea, which we're gonna preach to I'll tell you All indications are after the first couple chapters that they have a solid marriage. There's no indication They have a terrible marriage after that and it took him actually really forgiving her, but it became a good marriage Okay, so whoever you're married to forget about the past and don't dwell on that but build what you have and make it good Okay, but notice what it says in Genesis 2 18 This is one of the most misquoted verses in the Bible that I've seen Okay, Genesis 2 verse 18 and the Lord God said it is not good that the man should be alone I will make and help meet for him now notice Usually when I hear this quoted I hear it is not good that man should be alone It does not say it is not good that man should be alone So it's not good that the man should be alone. You say why is that important? He's not saying it's not good for mankind to be alone He's saying it's not good for Adam to be alone the man so when it says I will make and help meet for him He's saying I will make and help meet for Adam. He's not saying I will make and help meet for the man He's saying I will make and help meet for Adam Okay, and look I believe especially as we're Christians that love God. You know, what God does have somebody designed for you. I Believe God made and help meet for me because he's specific on the definite article does not good that the man should be alone Okay. Now obviously we can apply this situation Adam and Eve to other marriages, but I believe with each individual marriage He's has someone designed for you. Okay, you say why why are you telling us this? Why is that important? Here's why it's important. It would be foolish as we're talking about point for comparing to Criticize your spouse or say well this other wife is better This other husband is better because here's the thing the person you're married to is the person God designed for you You're criticizing God if you say, you know what other ladies don't do this other guys don't do this Well, you're criticizing God who gave you that spouse Right and even if you disagree in my interpretation of verse 18 Look, if you're married, you ought to look at your spouse and say God has blessed me with this person. I Am lucky to have this person and look if God has blessed you with someone who loves God God has blessed you with someone who's serving God if God has blessed you with a spouse, you know What you ought to look at that and say, you know what God has blessed me this person and don't compare and criticize your spouse Now look, we don't know why God's made the choices that he does Obviously, I understand and I preach against Calvinism all the time But it doesn't mean that we're just kind of freely floating in this world Just randomly who knows we're gonna end up if you're serving God God is guiding your steps Okay, obviously, you know, I could serve God and run a church in the u.s. But I believe God led me here Okay, obviously there's a free will choice But we believe that if you're serving God God's gonna guide you in the right steps And look if you're serving God and you find a spouse and you get married God led you to that person Okay, and when you realize that you ought to be very thankful with whoever you're married to now Look, I believe Hosea was meant to marry Gomer Now, I don't know why I don't know why God gave him that wife given her background but I want you to understand our lives are meant for the glory of God and See God has designed you with someone. It doesn't mean hey if I marry this person, there's never gonna be a fight Well, that might not be what God's goal is for you Maybe you're gonna have someone that's gonna force you to develop better character in your life Right, we don't know but realize this if God has given you a spouse That is the person you are meant to stay married to and I'll tell you what I get it You can't get divorced in this country, but you can also just kind of throw in the towel Right. I mean have you ever seen like a boxing fight where they don't give up? They don't quit the fight But then there's the boxer just kind of standing out there for the fifth round doesn't even throw any punches right It's I mean the Oscar de la Hoya many Pacquiao fight aside all right, Delahoya just just throw in the towel It's like you're obviously not fighting anymore. Okay, and it's just like, you know in life sometimes it's like, okay Well, I'm just gonna stay married to the bitter end not gonna try to work on my marriage not gonna make it better I'm just I'm not gonna get divorced so or leave them. Well, I mean that's not gonna give you a good marriage Okay, it's like whoever you are married to and regardless of what decision you made or who you're married to that is the person God Has for you now Okay, so, you know your marriage you need to make that a strong marriage and I want you I want to end with this thought Okay, I want you to realize when it comes to marriage That let's say for example, you have husband and you have wife Okay, let's say for example The husband's like I'm putting in this much energy into my marriage and my wife is putting in this much energy It can go back to that attitude. You know what? I'm not gonna put in any more energy into my marriage until my wife reaches my level Then I'll be nicer to her Okay, and the wife could look at it the same way We're just like I'm putting in this much energy into my marriage. My husband is putting in this much energy Once he gets to this level, then I'll become a better wife. Okay, but here's what you need to understand There are direct and indirect relationships Marriage is a direct correlation. What do I mean by that? I mean, they're directly correlated as one goes up the other goes up Okay, meaning if the husband is here and the wife is here and the husband puts in more effort to be a good husband Guess what? The wife is gonna do Even if it is a little bit lower She's gonna be a better wife by virtue of the fact the husband is putting in more energy And if the wife is here and the husband's here, my husband doesn't do this. My husband doesn't do that I'm putting it in it more energy. I care more I'm not gonna try until he becomes a better husband or if you became a better wife. Guess what happens? Husband becomes better, but see it also goes back to the thing where we always think we're better at stuff than we are As the husband if you say I'm here my wife's here and the wife says I'm here and he's here It might be kind of like this Right oftentimes. We're just not as good of husbands as we think we are. It's like man. I'm the perfect husband I never do anything wrong It's like I can't understand the wife might feel like man. I'm the perfect wife. I never do anything wrong No, actually we all do things wrong Okay, and instead of worrying about the other person just be the best husband you can be Be the best wife you can be you say why look it's in your benefits because marriage is directly Correlated between husband and wife if you become a better husband your wife becomes a better wife if you become a better wife Your husband's gonna become a better husband and it's also true if you go down Man, my husband is not doing this. I'm putting in more energy than my husband So I'm just gonna drop my level right? Well, then he's gonna drop his level Have fun with that it's gonna get worse and worse and worse and worse Don't be ruled by your emotions You got to be logical sometimes just do the best job you can do as a husband the best job as a wife Here's the thing. It's not easy. I'm not saying it's easy I'm not saying I'm arrived and I'm not saying I never have problems I'm not saying I don't need to work on it, but I'm just giving you fundamental tips and I'll tell you what You know as as as Christians and people that love God if you want to be successful in life You really need your whole family on board with you and the number one relationship you have is with your spouse Anyway, you need to have a good strong relationship with a person you're married to let's close in a word of prayer Dear Heavenly Father. Thank you for allowing us to be here today and just getting to See some tips and some things on marriage God and help all of us help all of us men in this room become better husbands and Do a better job of being good leaders and to show our wives that we love them and we care about them and do everything we can you know according to the principles and God's Word and also as wives help all the ladies in this room just to Try to do their best to be good wives and to love their husbands and respect them and follow them God And help us to be a church. It's not just getting a lot of people saved We're also building great character and building strong families God we pray these things in Jesus name. Amen