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Ephesians chapter 5 and we're continuing our series on a proper balance and we're talking in this sermon about marriage we're talking in this sermon about marriage and I think I actually put the wrong title it's not a false balance it's a proper balance because that is the goal proper balance in marriage and in all areas of our life we need to have a proper balance because in marriage there are many different things that you want to be successful at and good at and if you just really fail in one area it can mess everything up right so we want to have a good balance and everything and point number one when it comes to having a healthy and a good and a strong marriage you need spirituality you need godliness you need holiness notice what it says here in Ephesians 5 or 25 husbands love your wives even as Christ also loved the church and gave himself for it so the Bible makes a comparison between a husband and a wife as Christ with his local church and it says that he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word but the Bible is trying to show you because it talks about husbands and wives in this passage when it comes to having a strong marriage you know what the foundation is the Word of God and in this world people are trying to have good marriages they want to be happy to try everything let's go on vacations let's buy this let's do this but the reality is that if you want to have a good marriage what's the foundation by the Word of God so if you get married and you start forsaking the things of God be prepared to forsake having a good marriage because the foundation is the Word of God and that should always be the foundation of a strong marriage go to 1st Peter chapter 2 1st Peter 2 of course the Bible says be not unequally yoked together with unbelievers what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness now here's the thing you could be married to someone that believes the same things as you but if neither of you ever reads the Bible you never go to church you never talk about spiritual things does it really make a difference I mean if you talk about the same things as an unsafe person would do it's gonna have the same effect right so the thing is you marry someone who's why because you have that same foundation and you build your life around the things of God that means that all the things of God reading the Bible Church and all of these things are important here's what the Bible says in regards to Bible reading in 1st Peter 2 verse 1 wherefore laying aside all malice and all guile and hypocrisies and enbies and all evil speakings as newborn babes desire the sincere milk of the word that he may grow thereby the Bible says that the Word of God is what helps us you know what is often true in marriage that when you first get married after you you know kind of pass the excitement stage all of a sudden reality sets in and all of a sudden it takes a little while to adjust to each other doesn't it and what is often said about people that are married for a long time that the very beginning of marriage is actually the most difficult because you know you're not used to living with someone you're used to kind of doing your own thing and things just kind of change and you know when you get married you do have to change you do have to act differently I mean when I was single there'd be times I just be like yeah you know I feel like going on going for a run it's like 10 o'clock at night but I don't leave my home at 10 o'clock at night to go for a run because I got a wife and kids to take care of and a family to be a part of your life just changes as you get married and here's the thing about this as you grow spiritually as you read the Bible the goal is in marriage that your marriage will grow but here's the thing if you let your Bible reading die out your marriage is going to go the opposite direction because as you get less spiritual your marriage is going to go down this is why half of marriages even in Christian homes in the US end in divorce you say why is that because the fact the foundation is not the word of God and the reality is that you know what in marriage all of our worst attributes come out isn't that true I mean the thing is when I'm around you here at church all of you are acting nice and friendly you're never in a bad mood but I know that's not always true at home I know that you lose your temper sometimes at home lose your patience you have a bad attitude you say things that are rude you know what why because there's no temptation taking you by the section is common demand everybody deals with these things why because husband and wife are both sinners saved by grace and when you've got two people that are sinners around each other 24-7 newsflash they're not always walking in the new man and when they're walking in the flesh whether it be the husband or the wife it is an ugly sight because I'm saved under general man is not exactly a godly thing right so the reality is that we want to grow in our spirituality grow as Christians you say why because I want to have a better marriage ten years from now and then even in a better one in another ten years after that I want my marriage to get better and better and better you say what's the foundation the Word of God turn your Bible to Joshua 24 Joshua 24 Joshua 24 you know we often think of reading the Bible for the source of knowledge and of course that is true but you do realize that reading the Bible will affect your attitude and your character as well and quite honestly when you're married you don't really care so much about how much your wife or husband knows about the Bible you care about how they're at and let me just be honest when I am NOT spending a lot of time in the Word of God all of a sudden I'm short-tempered I have a bad attitude I don't have patience I get prideful bitter or whatever that's the way everybody is and so the thing is the best thing that you can do for your spouse is you read the Bible and spend time in God's Word why because it's walking in the new man you're going to be filled with the things of charity right the foundation is the Bible in your marriage Joshua 24 verse 14 now therefore fear the Lord and serve him in sincerity and in truth and put away to God your father served on the other side of the flood and in Egypt and serve you the Lord and if it seemed evil on you to serve the Lord choose you this day whom you will serve whether the gods your father served there were on the other side of the flood or the gods of the Amorites in whose land you dwell but as for me and my house we will serve the word you know what Joshua said my whole family is going to be on board serving God and you can liken this to being in church you say well pastor I can read the Bible on my own I can do whatever but you need to have your whole family on board with the things of God not only should you be spending time in God's Word in your personal time whether you're a husband or a wife in terms of having a healthy marriage you know what you should also do you should be involved in church together church is an important part of your life good acts 21 acts 21 actually one now when you're doing your Bible reading you're going to be doing your Bible reading separate but you know one thing that some people do is that a husband and wife will basically at the same time read the Bible they're just reading different sections they're just both sitting down at the table because it's always easy to do easier to do something if you've got somebody else who's helping you right so if there's somebody else reading the Bible there it's going to be a lot easier for you to be motivated because when no one else is there it's very easy to just get on Facebook in the middle of acts 14 let me check out what's going on on you know the new drama or whatever in my life right whereas you know what if there's other people there you're not going to be the one person check out your phone you're just gonna be sticking to the Word of God right you need the Bible you need church you also need soul winning so winning is a very important aspect of our spiritual life it says here in acts 21 verse 8 and the next day we there were a Paul's company departed and came unto Caesarea and we entered into the house of Philip the evangelist which is one of the seven and abode with him and the same man had four daughters virgins which did prophesy the entire family of Philip is out solely how is that possible because in marriage they made that a priority because the reality is in life it's very and I can say this that you know we have a fourth child on the way and I can just say it was a lot easier to go soul winning when it was just my wife and I but once you start adding kids you know what you're just going to have those times you start so winning ah we forgot to bring the water oh we forgot to bring an extra diaper we've got to bring wipes or whatever it is you know we forgot to bring money to get something you know at the sorry sorry store whatever this just happens to everybody and it's always frustrating but every single person goes through this whether you're a husband or wife or if something happens like oh I should have brought in the back up shirt or whatever I mean this takes place you think you got everything and then you've got all the things for the kids always got to bring about it we got to go back to the church building and get a Bible now you know these things just take place just life is more difficult when you're doing it with your kids going so in but that doesn't mean that we should forsake solely and yet there's different situations of how you handle this you could do well you know what this week it's the husband's turn to go soul winning and the next week the husband watches the kids and it's the life's turn because I don't want my wife to just have to retire from soul winning because she's always watching the kids I want her to get a chance in fact you know usually here in Pampanga because my wife doesn't always go to Manila with me usually my wife is the one that does the soul winning and I'm you know watching the kids and usually we take them out but I'm usually the one watching the kids and they'll be honest it gives you an appreciation for mom's taking care of their kids because it's hard it takes a lot of effort and work but you know the reason why we do this is because I don't want to just be the sole winner of the family and my wife has to retire from soul winning because she's just raising the kids no I want her to also be able to go soul winning because you need a proper balance in marriage right you need both husband and wife both serving God you have your Bible reading you have your church you have your soul these are essential you know it's been said in marriage that if you want to find someone that loves you and they usually say this to women if you want to find a guy that's truly going to love you find a guy that loves God more than you and that is a true statement because if you find a God that loves God if you find a guy that loves God more than you the Bible commands guys to be good husband and to lay down their lives and love their wives and care for them and so you'll find someone that instead of just trying to impress you actually cares about the things of God now yeah he should also care about you all it says I don't spend time it's just well then yeah that's not the right balance either but find a guy that actually makes God a priority and not just he goes to church in order to find a wife you know there's people that would just show up the church just to pretend that they care about the things of God and they're just trying to find you know someone to find someone that actually reads their Bible and has a personal walk with God maybe test their pronunciation on the book of Psalms right to see how they pronounce it let's see if he really actually reads the Bible right but fun and this is true for guys also find a woman find a lady that cares more about God than you it what it's like if you have someone that says well you know let's just skip church today to go somewhere it's like that is not the because you want to find someone that makes God a priority because if they're going to put God on the back burner I promise you one day they will put you on the back burner as well get a song of Solomon chapter 2 one thing you need and it's strong and healthy and balanced marriage you need spirituality and this is the foundation the washing of water by the word that is the foundational thing mentioned in Ephesians chapter 5 and you know the thing is Ephesians 5 tells husbands to love their wives and lay down their lives and care about their wives more than themselves and it tells wives to submit to their husbands neither one of those things is easy to do in the flesh you say what's what's the secret to actually just following what God says by the word the more you read the Word of God the more you walk in the new man and then want to do what's right but besides spirituality you need time you need time together and I think it's important to spend time in church together but you need time outside of church where basically you're just spending time as a family you're spending time husband and wife together now if you have a lot of kids then the kids are probably going to be there with you but you got to make sure you spend time with each other so the Solomon chapter 2 verse 10 the Bible reads my beloved spake and said unto me rise up my love my fair one and come away for lo the winters past the rain is over and gone the flowers appear in the earth the time the singing the birds is coming the voice of the turtle is heard in our land the fig tree put it forth or green figs in the vines the tender grape give a good smell arise my love my fair one and come away a husband gets home from work and you know what he says to his wife rise up my love my fair one come away now in some of Solomon a balanced perspective they don't have any kids at this point so it is a lot easier to travel okay but I can say this as a guy when you get done with work it's very easy to just be lazy and say you want to rest what the Bible says is you know what if you want to have a strong and balanced marriage the Song of Solomon is really the good book to look at you better make sure that you're spending time with one another setting aside other things to actually spend time with one another by the way if you're just listening to a sermon with your spouse I mean that's a good thing to do but that's not really spending time with your spouse I mean just get away and spend time with them away from everything else and show them that you actually care see in our church you know I want you to be devoted to the things of God but I am NOT trying to get you to forsake your personal life and destroy your personal life out of duty to serve God I want you to serve God and you cannot forsake that but there's a reason why we give you a lot of time on Saturdays to still spend time with your family you know we have back-to-back services we have the soul winning you have time where you're going to get home and so don't make excuses well I'm too busy it's like well you don't get done at 11 o'clock at night like you do at some churches and the church service you get done at a good enough time you can spend have dinner as a family go for a walk and do whatever I mean make sure you're spending time with your spouse go to Song of Solomon chapter 5 Song of Solomon 5 verse 16 Song of Solomon chapter 5 verse 16 and this is the wife speaking she says his mouth is altogether lovely this is my beloved and this is my friend Oh daughters of Jerusalem if someone is your friend what does that mean it means you spend time with them could you really say someone is my really close friend how often do you hang out it's like well five years ago you know I saw them they're not your friends by the way your 2,000 Facebook friends are not your friends either I am friends with a lot of people that I've never met you know people ask to be my friend all the time just because we put sermons on my there's all these like Christians and random countries are asking my friends like I have no idea who they are right I don't know them often you know that don't send me a friend request then they'll ask me for money it's like I have no idea who you are and it's all there's always like a few different countries that are actually doing this what happens as you know after we get emails from people that said oh you know we want to see if you want to partner with our ministry when they say partner with our ministry what they mean is you provide the money right it's like I don't even know you we're not friends I don't know you I don't know what you believe it's just like you know no right a friend is someone you spend time with okay some of Solomon chapter 8 go to chapter 8 chapter 8 Psalm Psalm in chapter 8 verse 13 Psalm Psalm in chapter 8 verse 13 the Bible says this thou that dwellest in the gardens the companions harken to thy voice cause me to hear it now what is a companion a companion is sort of similar to a friend but not quite as strong right a companion someone that should keep company with spend some time with but a friend is a little bit deeper and you see that in the Bible itself but a companion someone you might hang out with from time to time and what she said her husband is hey you know what all of these campaign everybody wants to talk to Solomon he's the king he's a nice guy he's knowledgeable he's fun everybody wants to talk to you and hang out but you know what caused me to hear it let me get a chance to spend time with you also that's what she's saying to her husband and let me say this as a guy it is our duty to make sure we spend time with our wives is not an optional thing it is our duty it's a requirement now here's the thing you shouldn't feel like it's a burden because the Bible says you know live joyfully with the wife thy youth I mean you should be happy to spend time with your spouse I mean if you don't want to spend time with your spouse the question is why'd you marry that person if you don't like their personality or number two if your marriage has just fallen apart where you don't want to spend time you gotta fix that because you married someone because look when she speaks about her husband about basically the day of his vows referring to his marriage vows is a day of gladness because when you get married you're excited it's an exciting time you're happy to get married and so the question is why would it just fall apart where you don't want to spend time with your spouse spending time and you know what's interesting about this is your feelings follow your actions so if you feel like you don't want to be around your spouse by spending time with your spouse it's actually going to change your part and change your feelings turn your Bible to Genesis to Genesis to Genesis chapter 2 and it is true as I said I think it's during the first sermon that sister spouse sister comes first your sister in Christ but that does not mean to completely forsake the fact that this is the person that you're married to and you're meant to love and care for and God has given us the ability to have relationships here on earth where basically you can spend time and enjoy one another and you are meant to do that according the Word of God one of the big things in the Song of Solomon is spending time together just to verse 18 in the Lord God said it is not good that the man should be alone I will make in help meet for him and the Bible saying that I'm going to make someone that is suitable for him in 7 verse 24 therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother so cleave on his life and they shall be one flesh now the people are different but for me I've always been close to my parents and I love my parents my parents are great parents so I spend time with my parents when I lived with them I would you know go places with them I enjoyed spending time I wasn't embarrassed to be around my parents I love my parents and so the thing is if you're leaving father or mother you're not going to be spending all your time with them well then what's time to change well maybe spending time with the person you're married to look before you're married you know it's probably common to hang out with the guys or hang out the ladies be out late at night doing whatever but you know what when you get married it's different it's like no you know I don't want to hang out tonight I'm just gonna you know hang out with my wife like well we've had the missions trips before you know there'll be a bigger people and if people say hey you guys want to hang out they're going to a restaurant they're gonna be out to 11 o'clock at night it's like we're okay and we just go to the hotel room really boring just spend the time as a family and get them ready for bed we get some sleep it's just like you know you're just at a different stage of life don't try to act like you're single when you're married when you're married it's different be happy because the Bible says God hath made everything beautiful in his time and you are being single you know what there is enjoyment in that but when you get married you're at a different stage in life and enjoy what God has given you in marriage joy spending time with your spouse turn your Bible to 1st Peter 3 1st Peter 3 there are churches and a lot of Baptist churches are like this where they basically make your entire life just so connected to church where basically you have no free time you say what's the problem with that well the problem with that is if you're married you have a family you're meant to spend time with your family and I want you to be devoted to the things of God when I saw my proper balance as I've said during the series I don't think you should just spend all your time reading the Bible and never spend time with your family that's wrong that's not a proper balance now of course if all you do is spend time their family and never spend time with God and never read the Bible that's wrong but the other extreme is also wrong we need a proper balance of all of these things in our life otherwise our lives are just going to spin out of control number one we see spirituality number two we spend time and number three we see words and when it comes to words this is where us as men we're the ones that are pretty guilty of this because guys typically we look at things well we're you know two guys can be hanging out for hours and say nothing to one another you know you're just kind of hanging out you're having a good time you're just there you know and everyone's like oh you know but barely talk at all to one another women are not like this so as men we could easily feel like wait a minute we were spending time together but you never actually open your mouth and say anything to your spouse it's like you're not giving any words well that's not the right balance because of the fact you need to actually say kind words to your spouse and this is very highlighted in the Song of Solomon and I'm willing to admit this is something that I can be guilty of because as guys we look at it as you're spending time the words don't seem as important first Peter 3 verse 7 likewise the husband's dwell with them according to knowledge giving honor to the wife is under the weaker vessel is being heirs together the grace of life that your prayers be not hindered the Bible says dwell with your spouses dwell with your wife according to knowledge meaning you know your wife look if the only thing you know about your wife is what color her eyes are you don't know that much about your wife you said what's the proof or whether or not I know a lot about my wife the proof is the sweetheart banquet in several months when you go through the questionnaire if you miss everything I'm just kidding I'm but the Bible says well them according to knowledge you know what that means just ask questions your spouse just ask the meal you know honestly we change over time there are certain questions where the answer is going to be different than it was a couple years ago I mean there are things that have changed about me in the ten years I've been married right I mean and so we should just constantly be instead of just talking to our spouses getting to know that giving works we should know our spouses and here's the thing if you never talk to one another you're not going to know that much about them okay and obviously there's there's questions that are not that important like what's your favorite color that's probably not the most important thing although those are things that you should know about your spouse but then there's more there's deeper questions so kind of like you have questions that kind of start things off and then you get into deeper things that are even more important where you really get to the heart of things and the emotion really ask them about one another and honestly you know it's amazing there's there could be so many things that we don't know that you might just kind of take for granted I just think like you know as I've talked to my mom recently I've been asking my mom a lot of questions about my dad and things that you know honestly I just didn't know and never thought to ask about and I'm kind of curious about now and you can be around someone and live with them and not know that much about there's just a lot of stuff that you're just not aware and we need to make it a point that we actually know our spouses. Song of Solomon chapter 4. Go to Song of Solomon. Song of Solomon. Song of Solomon chapter 4. Like I said this sermon series is is is not really designed to be the most exciting sermon series where I'm pounding the pulpit it's really just foundational things but I do believe this is a series that's important because I think it's very easy for us to just focus on one aspect of our lives or focus on one aspect of something and if you are missing certain things in your marriage it's going to cause problems I mean if you don't have spirituality as a foundation you're going to have major problems in your marriage. If you never spend time with one another though the same thing is going to take place you know one thing that takes place in marriage is that you know people you know raise kids and then all your time is invested in your kids which it's kind of the way it is but then all of a sudden the kids grow up and it's like you don't really know your spouse that much and then it's kind of like once the kids are gone it's like you don't know what to do anymore so as a husband wife just kind of sit there it's like you don't have anything that you talked about you don't know one another you don't you know haven't developed relationships with them in certain ways and you know you need to make sure you're spending time and also having the proper words with your spouse. Here's what it says in Song of Solomon chapter 4 verse 1. Behold thou art fair my love behold thou art fair thou hast dove's eyes within thy locks. Thy hair is as a flock of goats that appear from Mount Gilead. I love the poetic language in Song of Solomon since I love to write poetry myself. When he's saying thy hair is as a flock of goats you're like what is he talking about? He's probably saying that the hair is just you know very smooth it looks nice it's not saying that it looks like it's a goat's hair but just kind of in one aspect okay. Thy hair is as a flock of goats. He says thy teeth are like a flock of sheep that are even shorn which came up from the washing where of everyone bare twins and none is barren among them. Like what is he saying? Your teeth are white. Flock of sheep white. Okay it's poetic language you have nice hair you have white teeth. Make sure when you give nice words to your wife that she understands your poetry. It's like honey when I see you and you gotta I mean if you kind of mess up the word it can be bad. It's like honey when I see you I think of a goat. You're gonna have problems if that's what you say. Thy lips are like a thread of scarlet and thy speech is comely. Thy temples are like a piece of a pomegranate within thy locks. Thy speech is comely. What he's saying is that her speech is beautiful. Basically he's saying nice things to her and what he's saying is that you always compliment me. You say nice things to me. Go to chapter 5. Chapter 5. Now we're talking about a proper balance and I have a friend of mine that went to Bible college and in Bible college it was a men's only class and there was a man in the class that was teaching them who was married and he was given examples of finding somebody to marry and he brought his wife up and he brought his wife up to the front of the room. He's talking about how you should get married based on godliness and that should be the primary thing but he said you know what you should marry based on godliness and he's like and he pointed toward his wife. This is the way that my friend told the story. I don't know if he exaggerated it. Maybe he did but he brought his wife up and he said I am not attracted to this woman but she's the godliest woman I've ever met. It's like what in the world? It's like who would be so stupid to say something like that and to give that advice? It's like look is godliness the number one most important thing? Yes but you know what you ought to marry someone you're attracted to Marry someone you're attracted to, you enjoy spending time with. I mean let's not be foolish here. Obviously God made people with a lot of differences, different hair color, eye color, personalities and everything. Find someone you enjoy spending time with and you're attracted to and that is a proper balance because in the Song of Solomon they highlight that they're attracted to one another. He says you know you're like a flock of sheep. Make sure you find someone that you're attracted to. Song of Solomon chapter 5 and here's the thing is guys you say well I'm attracted to my wife but tell her you're attracted to her. This is a joke that men make in the US and it's not a funny joke but this is something you hear. It's like well you know I told my wife on the day we got married that I love her and if that ever changes I'll let her know. It's like what's wrong with you? I mean what kind of a joke is that saying well you know what I love her. I don't need to tell her. It's like no actually in the Song of Solomon it says to give nice words to the person you're married to. Song of Solomon chapter 5 verse 8 and in Song of Solomon chapter 5 to understand the context her husband is basically out working. He's gone and she gets kind of exhausted. She misses her husband and then she says I charge you old daughters of Jerusalem. So she's talking to other women. If you find my beloved that you tell them that I'm sick of love. She's not saying she doesn't want to be married to him. She's just saying that she's basically like lovesick as we would say and she's like she misses her husband and then this is what they say in verse 9. What is thy beloved more than another beloved? O thou fairest among women? What is thy beloved more than another beloved that thou dost so charges? They basically say what is so great about your husband? This is her perfect opportunity to criticize her husband isn't it? But she doesn't do that. She says my beloved is white and ruddy. The chief is among 10,000. His head is the most fine gold. His locks are bushy and black as a raven. His eyes are as the eyes of doves by the rivers of waters washed with milk and fitly set. His cheeks are as a bed of spices as sweet flowers. His lips like lilies dropping sweet smelling myrrh. His hands are as gold rings set with a barrel. His belly is as bright ivory overlaid with sapphires. His legs are as cool as a marble set upon sockets of fine gold. His countenance is as Lebanon excellent as the cedars. His mouth is most sweet. He is altogether lovely. This is my beloved and this is my friend or daughters of Jerusalem. I've preached a song of Solomon and I've explained every verse of what it's referring to. I'm not going to do that for sake of time. The point is she gives compliments about her husband. She doesn't say anything negative. She just gives compliments. And so we see a husband complimenting his wife. We see a wife complimenting her husband. So we see spirituality is the foundation. We see that they spend time with one another and we see nice words with one another. Song of Solomon chapter 6 verse 8 it says there are three score queens and four score concubines and virgins without number. Now I believe this is Pharaoh's daughter and what he's saying is hey there's 60 queens and 80 concubines and virgins without number. He's not saying these are people that he's married to. This is that's later on in the life of Solomon where he goes down a road of sin. But she is the daughter of Pharaoh would have met a lot of rulers and future queens and he's saying you know what as a king I could have married a lot of different people but he's saying I picked you because I love you is what he's saying. And he says my dove my end of fire is but one. So he's saying there are all these queens out there. I didn't want to marry them. I wasn't interested in them. I'm interested in you. She is the only one of her mother. She's the choice one of her that bearer. The daughter saw her blessed her. Yea the queens and the concubines and they praised her. So what he's doing is making a comparison between his wife and every other woman saying you're better than every other woman that there is. That's the way he felt about his spouse and he actually let his wife know it. We see spirituality. We see time. We see works. Now turn your Bible to 2nd Samuel 6. 2nd Samuel chapter 6. And the last point is going to be on handling fights and this will be the point we spend a lot of time on here about handling fights. He said well pastor why don't we talk about fights because if God is the center of your marriage and you spend time and you're always complimenting one another you're not going to have any fights. Spoken like a single person. Because this is not reality. Husbands and wives fight sometimes. There's two sinners that are sometimes walking in the flesh. There's no and look you know when I preach on marriage and parenting I try not to give you an unrealistic perspective. I don't want you to get this idea that I'm perfect at everything I preach. No I mean the reality is that my wife and I are both sinners and every marriage has fights. Every marriage has disagreements. Now to understand why this is so important. Imagine you're going on a diet. Let's say you're trying to lose 40 pounds in the new year and you've got a really strict diet and you know you're following strict food and you're exercising and week one you lose two pounds. It's a good start. Week two you lose two pounds. It's going well. Week three you lose two pounds. Then all of a sudden we have a church function and we have cookies, we have ice cream, we have junk food and then all of a sudden you break your diet to eat a piece of cake and then you're like well I've already broken my diet today. I might as well just eat ten pieces of cake and what you do is you set yourself back several weeks. What you could have done is eaten one piece of cake and set yourself back a couple days and it's not that big of a deal but because it just goes out of control you really did a lot of damage to your diet. Now that's just an example but the point is in fights every marriage is going to happen. If you can keep those fights at a small level it's not going to cause as much damage but what about a fight that just gets out of control? It's going to set you back quite a bit and it's going to cause wounds that are not easy to repair and so being able to handle fights is a very important aspect of marriage and I wish that you never had to take this advice. Now I've had people tell me before that you know what my wife and I we never fight. You never lie either do you? It's like I don't believe that. You know I believe that every husband and I mean if you never talk to one another and spend time with them maybe you don't fight but if you're actually spending time and you're around each other you're going to say things that are rude sometimes and so is your spouse. It's just the way that it is. So when it comes to handling fights I want to give you just four different things to keep in mind about handling fights and let us look at a bad example in the Bible of just not handling a fight well and this is David and Michael and advice number one about handling fights never fight in front of other people. Never fight in front of other people. There are going to be times when as a husband you get mad at your wife and times as a wife you get mad at your husband you handle that fight privately where there's nobody else around. Now here it says in 2 Samuel 6 verse 20. It says in verse 20 then David returned to bless his household. He's returned to bless his household. This is a king. He's got servants. He's got workers. So he's returning to bless his household and I do not believe this fight is just amongst themselves and nobody else around. He's blessing his household meaning there's a lot of people around there. He returns to bless his household and then he gets home and Michael the daughter of Saul this is his wife came out to meet David and said how glorious was the king of Israel today who had covered himself today in the eyes of the handmaids of his servants as one of the main fellows shamelessly had covered himself. Imagine if you haven't seen your your wife in a couple weeks you've been out doing something doing work or whatever you come back and right when you get to the door she's rude to you. Now the correct thing would be be nice to her in response. What is the more likely thing to take place though? Well if she's rude to me I'm gonna be rude to her. And what you see is that and you know honestly the roots of this problem go way back. The roots of this problem go back to Michael's father King Saul where basically he put David on the run. David ends up marrying multiple women and so you got a lot of problems mixed in. I don't fully blame her. Of course she's mad about that because she highlights the fact we're around other women even though he's not even involved with these women but because he's been involved with other women there's that sensitive side in this specific issue and she comes out and she criticizes him for this. Well here's the thing about this when you fight in front of other people it's going to be harder to fix the problem because if you fight in front of other people those people are going to take a side. Right? Some are going to take his side some are going to take her side and then you get more and more people taking sides in an issue and it's going to be harder as the guy to humble yourself and say you're wrong. It's going to be harder as the lady to humble yourself and say you're wrong. And you definitely want to make sure you never fight in front of your kids. If you fight make sure that it's alone one on one talking about. And here's the thing you know you shouldn't be raising your voice and screaming at one another. So the thing is it's like if you're alone in a room you should be able to talk and deal with the problem. You should never fight in front of one another. Now you know probably every marriage people have fought or said rude things in front of other people before but it's wrong and it's extremely unwise and if two people are really fighting in front of one another it kind of makes you wonder it's like I wonder how they fight at home because usually you're kind of embarrassed. It's like you show up to church how are you doing today? I'm doing good pastor. It's going great. It's like okay I'm not gonna ask any more questions. I can tell something's up. Right everybody puts their best face forward. Okay it's not hard to see when people are fighting you can kind of see it just is what it is. Well here's the thing when you fight in front of other people though it's gonna be harder to recover from this and you never want to do that. You know another aspect of handling fights is not to cross boundaries. So don't fight in front of people that's going to make it hard but there are also certain boundaries and things that you never say you never do because if you're married to someone you probably know certain things that can really hurt their feelings if you choose to. Really rude statements to make where you're not trying to settle that fight you are just trying to win the fight and make them feel horrible. So Michael says something rude and let's see the response of King David. A man after God's own heart showing any one of us can be guilty of these things. And David said unto Michael it was before the Lord which chose me before thy father. Who's the father of his wife? King Saul. Where's King Saul? He's dead. He's already in heaven. Why didn't he die? Basically he was punished for I mean multiple things but one of the reasons was because he's persecuting David. So when David brings up her dad being dead it's kind of rub it in well God chose me and your father died as a result. Now that is a rude statement to make. That is a horrible statement to make. Right I mean look there's just a common courtesy and etiquette where you don't speak ill of the dead to begin with. And I thought that was common but then you got politicians that are going to dig up the dead body of the father of people and throw them in the West Philippine Sea. So I was like well I guess this is not common knowledge in today's world. But that's a rude statement but notice the next thing was chosen before their father and before all his house. Who would have been the next king after Saul in his house? Jonathan. Jonathan used to be David's best friend. Now I do believe that they were not that close of friends toward the end because Jonathan didn't really side with David but here's the thing he's kind of rubbing it in that her brother Jonathan was your brother. He's kind of rubbing it in that you know what I was chosen before Jonathan that was his best friend. Imagine saying something rude about your wife's father or about your best friend or your wife's father that is dead. I mean that's a really rude statement to make. These are boundaries that you do not cross. There are certain things that you say that you know. You know this is going to cause some massive loops but when you're emotional what do you do? You just say it to hurt them. David's not trying to settle this discussion in a calm and rational and godly way. He is trying to make her feel awful. Here's what it says. And before all his house to appoint me ruler over the people the Lord over Israel therefore will I play before the Lord and I will be yet more vile than thus. It's pretty bad when you're admitting I'm going to sin and he says I'm going to sin bigger than you sinned. It's like whoa. It's like I'm going to be more vile than thus. I'm going to be more rude than you and will be based in my known sight and of the maidservants which thou has spoken up of them shall I be had in honor. Now he's married to multiple women. Imagine if you had cheated on your spouse and then when you get into a fight well I'm going to cheat on you again. That's horrible. That is an awful thing to say and that's what David says. And then it says in verse 23 therefore Michael the daughter of Saul had no child on the day of her death. Why does it say therefore she had no child? It's saying that they never had a relationship as husband and wife ever again. Saying it's impossible for her to have a child because of the fact they got into a fight that was so vicious they never talked to one another ever again. Now obviously if you're here you know you're I mean I hope that you would never say something like that that would cause these wounds but the reality is that when you say really harsh things it's not just okay well let's just say we're sorry now. Well sometimes you say something that is not going to be recovered of in a few minutes. Sometimes you cause wounds that might come up from time to time and what David said to Michael was so harsh that that's the end of their marriage. Now I think it's obvious they already had marriage problems before this but what I'm saying is if you cross boundaries in a fight and say things that are that harsh you might never recover from that. Now turn your model to 1 Peter chapter 3. Now I want to help give you some advice on this idea of not crossing boundaries of what can you do as a woman and what can you do as a husband when you're really mad at your spouse and you know you feel like you got to settle something and you're really angry what can you do because you said don't fight in front of others don't cross boundaries when it comes to fights but the relationship of husband and wife is a little bit different from both perspectives because the wife is in submission underneath her husband. So we're going to start by talking about the wife. As the wife what do you do if you're really mad at your husband or he's done you wrong or whatever what do you do according to the word of God? Well that's what it says in first Peter 3 verse 1. Likewise he was being subjection to your own husbands. The Bible says being subjection to your own husband meaning he's the boss. Okay now when you when you have a literal job hopefully you have a boss that's nice and you know if you are a good husband you're going to be nice and kind and love your spouse. The Bible says that it's not well it's a 50-50 partnership. No the Bible says that husbands are the authority. So the Bible says first Peter 3 verse 1 likewise he was being subjection to your own husbands and if any obey not the word they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives. Now conversation is not just referring to what you say it's your actions it's your lifestyle. While they behold your chase conversation coupled with fear. The Bible says if you are married as a woman and you're and when it says that if any obey not the word they also may without the word be won. I don't think it's saying maybe they may be won to Christ by getting saved. You can make that application but I think the more appropriate application is your godly wife and your husband is not whether he's saved or not. And I think this this works whether he's saved or not the advice is being given. You can win them over based on the way you act. Not via your words but via your attitude. Basically you know conversation is your lifestyle and then basically they see that as a wife. Obviously part of it is being kind in your words but the way you act and it's going to cause the husband to say you know what? I need to consider changing my ways. Now is there a guarantee? Well there's free will from both the husband and wife and I get that. But the reality is that if you're acting godly as a wife you are much more likely to get your husband to actually want to serve God and do right and be a godly husband. Why? Because of your attitude. Now I do believe that there is a place as a husband and wife if you're the wife and you really disagree with your husband in a respectful way talking to them one-on-one you can talk to your husband about things that you don't agree with or whatever and I think as a husband you should be willing to listen to your wife. God gave you a wife for a reason okay? But at the end of the day there could be times where the husband says this and the wife says this and what does that mean? Well the wife should submit to what the husband says. Now here's the thing about this as a husband if you're a leader you should always lead with a servant leadership attitude meaning you're leading for the benefit of the followers. Meaning that you know what if we're picking a place to eat for lunch or whatever you know what I usually don't pick the place that I want to go because I'm like you know what my kids favorite restaurant is not Chins Plate right? My wife's favorite restaurant is not Chins Plate so you know if I take my wife out for Mother's Day I'm you know I think I took her to a seafood place. Now I'm not a seafood person but it's like you know and that's just kind of a light kind of silly example but as a leader it doesn't mean you get everything once. There are times you've got to make decisions and it goes but here's the thing as a leader you're trying to lead to benefit the people that are following you. This is what the Bible teaches. So as a good husband you say wow you know as a woman I want to be the leader. Well look if you have a good husband you're probably going to get a lot of things you want because he wants to make you happy and he loves you and he cares about you. So as a woman with your attitude that's what the Bible says. What about as the guy though? Because as the guy you are the authority. So let's say for example your wife is being rebellious she's being bad she doesn't want to listen to what you have to say. What do you do as the guy? Now before I explain this let me explain that a couple different forms of authority and people underneath authority. The government is our authority. We should follow what the government says unless they ask us to sin. Okay? That does not mean that God is okay with anything the government does because they're the authority. Right? I mean if the government is mistreating the people well they're the authority they can do whatever they want. God's not okay with that. Because just because you have authority doesn't mean God's like anything you do is fine. The specific thing mentioned in the Bible is masters and servants. You know in Ephesians 6 you don't have to term there but it mentions husbands, wives, children with their parents, masters with their servants. And there's several verses about what the servants should do for the master but then it says this one verse for masters. And ye masters do the same things unto them for bearing threatening. So what God says is do not threaten your servants. And it says knowing that your master also is in heaven neither is there respect of persons with him. So what God says to the master is hey you might be powerful here but you have a master in heaven and God expects you to treat your servants well. And there's no respect of persons with God meaning that if you are a dictator as a master and really harsh and rude it's like you're going to be punished for that. Whereas the servant God is going to bless. Why? Because there's no respect of persons with God. God doesn't care how much money you have. God cares about are you doing what is right. The same is true with husbands and wives. Husbands are the authority and wives should submit unless the husbands are asking them to sin but that does not mean that God is okay with anything the husbands do. You say why? Because authority does not work where it's a free-for-all you can do whatever you want because you're the authority. Here's what it says about guys in 1st Peter 3 verse 7. Likewise the husbands dwell with them according to knowledge giving honor on to the wife as on to the weaker vessel and as being heirs together of the grace of life that your prayers do not hinder. Finally be all of one mind having compassion one of another. Loveless brethren be pitiful be courteous. Notice this in verse 9. Not rendering evil for evil. So let's say for example you come home and your wife is like how glorious and starts this big fight. The Bible tells you do not render evil for evil. What David did was a sin. He was wrong. He rendered evil for evil. What she did was a sin. What he did was worse and he rendered evil for evil. Right? We can all agree on that. He comes up and look if we're honest every single one of us in this room that's a husband or wife every one of us husbands we've lost our tempers and said rude things to our spouse and that was a sin and it was wrong. Now sometimes it's evil for evil sometimes though we're just in a bad mood and we say something rude and we're the ones that start the fight. And it's a sin. It's wrong. You're not supposed to render evil for evil. God says do not render evil for evil. We're railing for railing but contrary wise blessing knowing that you are there to call that you should inherit a blessing. So the Bible says not rendering evil for evil but contrary wise blessing. What does the Bible tell us? The Bible tells us to love your wives lay down your life for your wife. Care for your wife. Cherish your wife. All of these things are mentioned. Now let me mention something that I think is far worse than just saying something rude. What would be far worse is a guy losing his temper and striking or hitting his wife. It would be wrong to say something really harsh to your wife. Far worse would be to actually be violent with your spouse. That's far worse. I mean that's rendering evil for evil. If saying something's wrong obviously physically hitting your wife would be far worse. Now we're talking about this because we're in this text talking about marriage and if you've been in our church for years now you've heard me say things like Hinduism and Islam degrade women and Christianity uplifts women. Now with Hinduism they literally say to burn your spouse to death if the husband's dead. In the Islamic scriptures it talks about Muhammad striking his wife Aisha and in the scriptures it says as a Muslim if your wife disobeys you, you hit her. It literally says that in scriptures. Now with Christianity, because in Islamic scriptures not only does it condone it but it endorses it. It says that's what you do. You'll never find anything like that in the Bible. The Bible says to love your wives not render evil for evil. Care for your wives. That's what the Bible teaches. Lay down your lives for your wives. Right? And when it comes to positions of authority not all positions of authority work the exact same. Look obviously the way that you interact with your wife should be different than the way you interact with your child. You're not married to a two year old. You're not Muhammad. You're married to a 30 year old or however old she is. The way that you interact that authority relationship is going to be a little bit different than the way you interact with your kids. It should be a little bit different. You know one thing my dad taught me at a young age. He taught me that you know what as a guy the way you talk and act toward women is different than the way that you talk and act toward guys. The way you joke. I mean there's certain things where you might be joking about something but if a lady's there it's like you know what let's stop that conversation. It's not appropriate in the presence of women. Right? I mean you know all of us guys are sitting down and there's no open chairs and a woman walks in. What do we do? We get off and off our seats. Right? If you're on a jeepney or whatever on a bus going somewhere and there's no disease you offer your seat to a lady. Just common courtesy. We eat ladies first. These are the things that I was taught at a young age and the idea is this God made men and women different and the way you act toward women ought to be different than the way you act toward men. When I was a kid you know what I would put on boxing gloves and fight my friends and wrestle with my friends but that's what I do to other guys. If you beat around your wife you're treating your wife like a man and I believe we got to treat women like ladies. You say why? Because there's a difference between men and women. You say well husbands have the authority. Husbands have the authority but God is not okay with anything that we do. When the Bible says women are the weaker vessel the context is actually emotionally but they're also physically weaker. But I'm talking about crossing barriers and if you cross a barrier from just saying something harsh to actually doing something that's going to cause some real wounds that you might not recover from your marriage. Verse number 10. For he that will love life and see good days let him refrain his tongue from evil and his lips that they speak no God. Now the idea of happy life happy life really can be found in verse number 10 where if you lay down your life for your life you care for your life you're probably going to have a nice life. If you love life if you want to have a nice life you know what that means? Be very kind toward your spouse. That's what it's saying and you know in general I believe that expression happy life happy life they can be used out of context but in general that is true that if you are kind to your wife you're going to have a better life. Just imagine you work for a company and your boss is really rude. Do you want to work for that boss? No you don't. Do you want to listen to them? No. You might do it out of fear but you want to have a boss that's actually very caring and gentle. Well that's the exact same way a woman's going to feel in marriage. Yes even though she's in submission that if she messes up that her boss is very long suffering. Turn to Bible to Hosea 2 and the Bible said let him eschew evil and do good let him seek peace and ensue it. Now I'm misunderstanding you know husbands are the authority in their homes but we're talking about a proper balance and you can go way past a proper balance and just be like well guys can do whatever they want since they're the husband and their wife's underneath them. That's not the way authority works in the Bible. God expects authorities to abide by a set of rules as well and so the wrong balance would be like well as a 50-50 marriage. No husbands are the authority but the other wrong balance would be like you can do whatever you want as a guy and it doesn't matter to God. No it doesn't matter. No matter what position of authority you're in God actually cares how you interact with those underneath you. By the way we never see David physically disciplining his wife. We never see any example in the Bible. You say why? Because that's not okay to God. I mean David would have done that to his wife and he doesn't do it. But here's the thing about this. There's actually a book in the Bible that talks about a godly husband with an ungodly wife and it uses the example for God as a husband symbolically speaking with the nation of Israel which is committing adultery and being you know disobedient to God. And God is trying to help Hosea feel the pain of what it's like to be godly and be doing everything right and your wife is just horrible. Of course this sort of relationship could be the opposite of a godly wife and an ungodly husband but in Hosea we have a godly husband and a godly wife. I actually preached through Hosea in Manila when we were living there several years ago and here's what it says in Hosea 2 verse 14. Therefore behold I will allure her. Allure means to attract or attempt by something desirable. This woman has and he's using the example with the nation of Israel but he's saying this woman to Hosea she's cheated on her. She's committed adultery. She's literally had children with other men and he sees those children every single day in the home and he can look at them and see that is not my son. That is not my daughter. And what God says to him? Allure her. Meaning tempt her with something desirable and bring her into the wilderness and notice this and speak comfortably onto her. You know what God says? If your godly husband and your wife is being rebellious and bad speak kindly to her. That's what it says. Now I copy and paste these notes from the sermon four years ago and these notes are not going to fully make sense to you so the point of these notes it tells me what I should preach. I'll just read word for word and explain what I meant by this. Application for marriage. Copy and pasted from my sermon from four years ago. My husband did me wrong dash I will yell at him and I'll scream dash good luck with that. What I'm saying is from a woman's perspective well my husband was bad to me so I don't have a bad attitude. Well good luck with that. Be obnoxiously rude to your husband and good luck having a happy marriage. The next line my wife was really rude today comma I will get her back dash prepare to hate your life. If you render evil for evil prepare to hate your life because the Bible said he that will love life be kind and gentle and care about your spouse. And in the last line the Bible says allure her comma bring her into the wilderness comma speak comfortably under her. So what the Bible says is as the authority if your wife is being rebellious you are still nice to her. That's what it says. Your wife is free will and she might disobey in fact I promise you every wife has disobeyed her husband before because she's a sinner like all of us are and every husband's been a bad husband before but you know what what God says in the book of Hosea the exact book written that she can apply this as a guy you still speak well to your wife. What is the result in the book of Hosea? They end up having a good marriage after the first few chapters. They settle it in chapter 3. They have a good marriage and forgive and forget and honestly, I don't know that I could do that. I mean literally she had children with other men and yet all indication is they have a good marriage after that. But what God said is you know what you're kind and loving to your spouse. Turn to Colossians 3 we'll close up. Colossians chapter 3 Colossians chapter 3 and actually go back to Hosea 2 I missed verse 15. Okay go back to Hosea 2 then we'll go to Colossians 3 sorry Hosea 2 verse 15 after I had those notes because I had verses 14 through 15 here's what it says in verse 15. Here's the result of a husband that's forgiving and loves his wife and she's done him wrong and here's what it says and I will give her her vineyards from then verse 15 in the valley of acre notice this for a door of hope. You know what the idea is your wife did wrong and she's really rude but you act godly and mature and forgive her and when she calms down emotionally it's like there's this door of hope where she realizes we can go back and it's like and she's very thankful to have a godly husband that actually forgave her. By the way the same is true the other way as well. If your husband's really rude to you and you're forgiving and long-suffering because I've been in this place before where I've been rude to my wife and she didn't deserve it and then all of a sudden it's like once you emotionally calm down it's like you say you're sorry and you're very thankful that that door of hope was there right this is what the Bible says right now turn to Colossians 3 we'll close off Colossians 3 because I want you to have a good marriage and if you if to have a good marriage you need a properly balanced marriage you need to spend time with one another have the Bible as a foundation have kind words you need to be able to properly handle fights and when it comes to handling fights don't fight in front of other people number two do not cross barriers there are certain things you do not say and if you're if you're married in this room you know the things that you could say that could really hurt your spouse you might know certain things about your spouse that nobody else knows because it's an embarrassment to them they don't want people to know you know certain things that could really hurt your spouse and when you get in a fight and you say those things or do those things and cross that barrier you are causing massive wounds in your marriage that are going to be hard to recover from the third thing is take a break to cool down and I don't have a birth strap there's a lot of places in the Bible but you know what if you are just emotionally really angry take a break to cool down when you're emotionally under control and the other thing is this don't just take a break emotionally yourself make sure your spouse is emotionally under control because you might say well I'm ready I'm fine but is your spouse ready you know give them a chance to emotionally calm down you might need to just spend a few hours apart and pray and read the Bible sometimes I'll go for a walk and talk to God and pray and then after like you know 30 minutes maybe I'll read a few chapters in the Bible it's just like all of a sudden you get the new man you feel like a fool right you know take a break to calm down and cool down and you know the same is true for your spouse make sure that they've had a chance to cool down as well because otherwise you're just going to make things worse you know it's just going to make a bigger fight and bigger problems by the way if you take a break to cool down if you go out for a walk here's the thing don't bring your phone and text your spouse how much you hate them while you're out walking okay that's the same thing is saying it to their face and it's going to get worse and worse and worse and worse and worse and worse it's like talk to God right well you know I must tell Jesus all of my trials and it's like you know what there is certainly a time in marriage where you know what you're having a bad attitude you got to just talk to God and it really helps you out you know it's what I always realize I need to worry more about what I can do and how I can be a better husband that's the way anyone should look at it as a husband what can you do to be a better husband as a wife what can you do to be a better wife lastly though do not have bitterness don't have bitterness the Bible says this in Colossians 3 verse 18 why submit yourselves on your own husband says it is fit in the Lord husbands love your wives and be not bitter against them don't be bitter because your wife disobeyed you about something don't hold that inside of yourself and just be so mad about it it's like you need to forgive and forget this is very basic advice but if you keep bitterness inside yourself it is eventually going to boil up and it's going to destroy your life the Bible says letting up the sun set upon your wrath you need to settle things and get yourself emotionally calm and here's the thing if you don't know how to properly handle fights what you're going to do is just let it get out of control and it is going to set you back to the point that every time you see your spouse you don't want to see them you don't want to talk to them you don't want to be around them you're really going to cause a lot of problems in your marriage I mean fights are common and marriage is just going to happen someone's going to say something rude or do something rude but you want to be able to handle those fights they don't spend out of control this goes on to prayer your heavenly father thank you for allowing us to be here today asking to help all of us in this room that are married to have strong and healthy and happy marriages that are well balanced also ask you to help those that are single here God help them to find a godly person to marry one day and also have strong marriages God we pray these things in Jesus name amen welcome