Are you tired of lame, watered-down preaching, compromising standards,
profit-driven faculty and board members embracing traditions and standards of
the world and committee decision-making? Would you rather be provoked into a
red-hot zeal that no one will ever be able to take from you? Then you should
definitely go to Bible college. You say, well, which one? Well, honestly, any of them
will do the trick. But if you don't want to be persuaded into believing the King
James Bible is the perfect, inerrant Word of God like those fundies out there, you
could be confident that at Bible college you'll finally get a chance to be around
people who are going to accept the fact that the cornucopia of English Bible
translations all basically kind of in a way communicate what God mostly wanted
to say. At Bible college you won't have to be around men who dress and act like
men or see ladies and girls dress in modest skirts and dresses, but rather we
allow the students to freely express themselves so as not to deter enrollment.
In fact, any rules or standards here at Bible college that would cause a church
or wealthy family to be offended will be modified promptly to address the obvious
need for more modern inclusivity. Here at Bible college we don't want any
potential enrollment dollars or, excuse me, I should say students to be turned
away for something silly like a verse from the Old Testament. It's called the
Old Testament for a reason, folks. We don't want to be stuck with the old
rules or the old standards. We need to be flexible and accept other ideas,
religions, and streams of revenue, and that's exactly what you'll get here at
Bible college. I should also mention the fact that Bible college has added even
more class options and life skills for you to learn than ever before. Programs
such as accepting worldly music 203, rebuke not a stack of cash 101, unclear
doctrines part 2, non-denominational churches are not a denomination, and this
one's my personal favorite, don't listen to the new IFB. Why the pre-tribulation
rapture cannot be proven wrong amongst other options. Enroll now for the fall,
winter, summer, or spring semesters for the very low price of four hundred and
fifty thousand dollars to get the education of a lifetime, to learn how to
correct the Bible using the ancient languages that it was written in
originally, and how to preach a sermon that won't offend a single solitary soul.
So important. And remember, the fool hath said in his heart, who needs Bible
college? That's only something a stupid person would say. Those who disagree
with what I'm saying right now have the utterly contemptible mindset we at Bible
college refer to as the Baptist Bias.
you