Hello everyone! We here at YouTube have decided to rebrand ourselves.
We're no longer YouTube, but will now be known as YoYoMama,
because we care about you more than your biologically related persons, aka your parents.
We're dedicated to protecting you from all the evils of capitalism, white straight men, and facts.
This message is brought to you in whole by Pfizer, which is actually brought to you by corporate lobbyists and special interests,
which is brought to you by paid government officials, which is brought to you by the ADL,
which is brought to you by a group of people who coincidentally
share the exact same religion and ethnicity, which is totally unrelated.
Thanks for watching one of the 10 videos we recommended you.
No matter what you searched, we love for people to discover the content we push to the top of the algorithm.
YoYoMama, of course, is not going to give you an allowance if you break our rules.
Therefore, you have no choice but to comply or be erased from history, much like the seasonal flu.
All videos, comments, and thoughts must be in conformity with our community guidelines.
We use the term community to make you feel like your opinion actually matters,
yet we're legally obligated to mention that, in the small print, community technically means whatever the hell we want.
With our newest update to the Terms and Services, version 1984 of YoYoMama,
we'll see the release of our newest feature, Think Again.
YoYoMama has been listening to your private conversations, phone calls, text messages,
while you're sleeping, noises from the bathroom, watching you all the time,
but of course, not in a creepy way at all.
All to create the greatest feature, Think Again.
We realize that not everyone can always have approved thoughts and ideas,
not everyone can always be on the right side of history,
and many are easily confused thanks to misinformation, documentaries, and books,
and we want to help them think again.
From now on, if you have the wrong idea, we'll zap your hand to punish,
I mean, advise you to have the right idea to think again.
Our scheduled updates also include mostly peaceful reminders, such as
locking your phone, debiting your bank account, prison,
and if necessary, sudden death, and remember,
YoYoMama does this for your benefit, for your own good, to keep things equitable
and safe for everyone, and to protect our democracy.
So with that, we want to remind you not to watch
any videos containing toxic masculinity, traditional values, statistics,
facts, reality, evidence, dictionary definitions,
history, white people, men who were born men, or anything claiming to be
the truth, or biblical, or based.
Finally, we want to remind you to avoid, at all costs, probably the worst offender
of our crucial safety guidelines, a weekly podcast hosted by the most
pernicious hate group of them all, The Baptist Bias.