Alright, so the title of my sermon this morning is dealing with passive aggressive people dealing with passive
Aggressive people now. I'm just gonna read one more verse before I get into the sermon
It says in 2nd Samuel chapter 14 verse 25
But in all Israel there was none
To be so much praised as Absalom for his beauty from the sole of his foot
Even to the crown of his head there was no blemish in him
So the reason why I want to focus on this verse is because
Absalom you know he you could see that the he was using passive aggressive techniques to get to where he could
Get an audience with David first of all he had Joab
Realized that David's heart was towards Absalom and Joab had his own passive aggressive ideas
I'm not gonna focus on Joab today. I want to focus on the passive aggressive
Person of Absalom, and I just want to help people this morning to realize that
Passive aggressiveness is a big thing in this world that we live in today, and I think it goes
unchecked a lot of times it goes unnoticed and a lot of times passive aggressive people rule in areas of life
Because people are afraid to challenge passive aggressive people because the way that they slip out of everything
The way that the techniques and tactics if they use
If you call them out
They are the type of people that will just say oh, I'm just kidding just joking and they act like you know
You're the one that's being weird or you're the one that is that you know they try to make it look like you're the one
That's mad when they're the one that really is the one that's mad, and they're the ones that have that aggression
so and
Absalom you know it says that in all Israel. There's none to be so much praised as Absalom for his beauty see already
Absalom was at an advantage over all people
Because I mean he people looked at him like
There wasn't a blemish in him at all from the crown of his head to the sole of his foot
He was just a stunning
You know man apparently that you know and obviously had long hair, and so I don't know understand
Why that was allowed to?
Take place. I guess when he left his father's house. I guess his dad. Maybe not didn't have
You know rule over him in that way, but
Anyway, I think it's pretty it's pretty obvious that you know he you know
Defied God and the fact that even in his own
you know that nature tells you that it's a shame for a man to have long hair and
People still went after Absalom and really liked him, but passive-aggressive people are also very patient
Sometimes sometimes they're not you know not every passive-aggressive person is really smart
But they're just good at their craft of being passive
Aggressive, but Absalom this man that we're dealing with today. He was very patient and as you'll see in the Bible
You know it took him what I count up as 47 years before he actually enacted his final plan and
You know and before I go any further
I just want to say that not every passive-aggressive person is some kind of a reprobate or evil person
I think that all of us have times where we've been passive-aggressive
I know I'm sure I have been I mean, I can't think of any examples right now, but no anyway. I'm just kidding but
You know everybody
I think has times where they're passive-aggressive
And it's because I think as a society people are afraid to confront people head-on and really it's a I've just noticed it
A lot you know growing up because I used to be I used to not be very
Confrontational with people
But as I've gotten older and meaner and wiser
I've realized that the best way to deal with problems with people is to confront them
And you don't always have to be rude when you confront people, but you can just confront people say hey
Do you have a problem with me? Yeah? Let's work this out. You know
But people are passive-aggressive
They don't want to deal with things that way and even if you ask them they'll act like they're not really mad
You know but it's something bothering you. Oh, no no no
No, I'm fine. You know so they act all like someone kicked their dog
They act like an abused puppy. You know they act all sad
But that's not every characteristic of a passive-aggressive people have lots of different characteristics
so
Here's the definition of passive-aggressive
Denoted a type of behavior
or
personality characterized by indirect
resistance
so it's a type of behavior or
Personality of someone it's a character flaw and it says it's by indirect
resistance so as people that are afraid to confront things openly and
If they do confront things openly it's through barbs and underhanded comments
Pouting and
so the demand it's the it's it's resistance to demands of others and an avoidance of direct confrontation as
in procrastinating
pouting or
Misplacing important materials now you think well really that's what it is well
Yeah, because they don't want to directly confront someone because they're cowards
And so that is that is like so many people in this world. They're just afraid to confront things
Openly and and also the point and it is to the point actually where people just are like that person's rude
You know they just confront people
No, you know what's rude is to make underhanded comments talk crap about people behind their back
Make jokes and then or say things
To call people out and then say they're joking when someone confronts them that is passive-aggressive that is
actually the person that is a coward and so
And you'll just notice that people do it all the time you know and I appreciate people that are direct
But most people are not direct most people talk crap behind your back, and it's passive-aggressive
Specific signs of passive-aggressive behavior
include resentment and opposition to the demands of others, so I'm gonna give you four points
This morning, and I'm just gonna go through some of these scriptures real quick. I'm gonna show you how
Absalom was passive-aggressive, and he fits the bill for someone that was a passive-aggressive person in the Bible
And he was a wicked person
He was a very wicked person, and we'll see some of the tactics that these people use and again if you're a person
That's passive-aggressive. I'm not saying you're Absalom
But there are people that are Absalom's that are passive-aggressive
Okay, so I'm not saying I'm just saying that we as Christians. Why am I preaching this?
I'm not preaching this to the reprobates. I'm preaching this to save people so they can understand
Hey, maybe if I'm being passive-aggressive, maybe I need to unlearn that character trait
Maybe I need to step back and view how I deal with people because what you're doing is not biblical
It's not godly. It's really it's wicked
It's wicked to be passive-aggressive and again everybody does it at some point
You know and they're afraid to confront people they're afraid to maybe because the person's in a higher position in
Society or something than them or they're a family member that they feel like they can't you know confront or directly challenge
You know there's lots of different ways in the end because of the position that people hold
That that allows them to have more success and being that passive-aggressive type person so and as a pastor
I would have to be careful being that way because I do have I'm not like I don't feel like I'm over anybody
Necessarily, but over people in the Lord over the house of God, and I got to make sure that I don't try to let or allow
Passive-aggressivity to enter into my heart and to come out in my preaching and and the way I deal with people so
Anyway, so number one resentment and opposition
passive-aggressive people have resentment and
opposition to the demands of others resentment and
Opposition so look at second Samuel chapter 13 verse number 19
So we were in second Samuel chapter 14, but look at second Samuel chapter 13 verse number 19
Let's look
So just a little bit of background also as far as Absalom goes his his brother his sister
was raped by his brother and
So he's mad about that, but you'll see even the way he deals with that situation was passive-aggressive
Instead of just going to his dad and say hey look my brother needs to be punished
This is what he did was wicked, but instead he wanted to take revenge
By himself and obvious and through the years he used this to try to overthrow David's kingdom
But well verse number 19
It says in Tamar put ashes on her head and rent her garment of diverse colors
that was on her and laid her hand on her head and went on crying and
Absalom her brother said unto her hath amnon thy brother been with thee
but now
Excuse me, but hold now by peace my sister
He is thy brother regard not this thing so Tamar remained desolate in her brother Absalom's house
But when King David heard of all these things he was very wroth and Absalom spake unto his brother Amnon neither good
Nor bad for Absalom hated Amnon because he had forced his sister Tamar
But see here here's the first the first thing about it is that if he hated him why didn't he confront him about it?
Why didn't he confront David with his lack of judgment when it came to this situation head-on?
But instead it says he not he he spake
neither good nor bad
For out for he hated him so he hated him
But like you can hate someone still speak good or bad of them you can say hey
You're a wicked person what you did was was wicked, but he had a plan
He had a plot that he was trying to do even told the sister. Oh don't worry about it
He's your brother, and so here you can see right now. He's already being passively
Aggressive towards David he's already being passive aggressive
Towards Amnon by not speaking good or bad just kind of pretending like nothing ever happened
And it came to pass after two full years
So this is something that you'll see in the story of Absalom is that he's very patient with what he does
It says it came to pass after two full years, so he bided his time and he waited
for a perfect opportunity
To be for his passive-aggressive plans to come forth now another thing you'll notice about Absalom
Is that he never does anything himself he never he never does the dirty work himself
He always has people that go off and do things for him
And and this is the passive-aggressive people do this too
They get their little minions to go do things for them
And then so it looks like they can it can never be brought back to them again
They always have like some plausible deniability
Oh, it wasn't me my servants did that or whatever so it says it came to pass after two four years that Absalom had sheepshears
and Baal-hazor
which is beside Ephraim and
Absalom invited all the king's sons and Absalom came to the king and
Said behold now thy servant has sheepshears let the king I beseech thee and his servants go with thy servant
So here he's inviting the king and all the king's sons
And all the servants to go and shear these sheep
And I think that he knew that King David wasn't gonna do it
And this was just a ploy to spring his plan into action that says and the king said unto Absalom name my son
Let us
Now all now let us excuse me name my son
Let us not all now go lest we be chargeable unto thee and he pressed him
How be it he would not go but blessed him then said Absalom
If not, I pray thee let my brother Amnon go with us and the king said unto him
Why should he go with thee so here?
I think that David kind of is being a little discerning and realizing why is he asking Amnon to go?
With him that says but Absalom pressed him that he let Amnon and all the king's sons go with him
So this was his plan from the beginning it took him two years to hatch this passive aggressive plan
Says now Absalom had commanded his servants saying mark he now then and now when abs excuse me
Good night mark
He now when Amnon's heart is merry with wine and when I say unto you smile or smite Amnon
Then kill him fear not
Have not I commanded you be courageous and be valiant
So he's basically saying once Amnon starts to you know let himself go a little bit
Well, you know get a little happy and and joyful and just enjoying the time then that's when you're gonna smite him
now notice he says and
Absalom had commanded his servants saying it wasn't Absalom that did the deed himself
Like I said, he always gets someone to do the dirty work for him
and in this case, he got his servants to do it and it says be courageous and be valiant and
the servants of Absalom did unto Abnon as
Absalom had commanded then all the king's sons arose and every man got him upon that his mule and flood
So the number one
passive-aggressive people use
Resentment and opposition to leadership
To force their agenda, so and that's what he has done he used passive-aggressive techniques
To you know first of all
Opposed David's leadership
You know David had already made his judgment and he had two years to bring this stuff to him
And he didn't do it and whether David was wrong or not
He still acted like he was okay with what was going on
Which is passive-aggressive and then he used
the resentment of what happened with that as
Opposition to David and to force his agenda which his agenda was to get revenge and kill his brother
so
and then number two
intentional procrastination and intentional mistakes in response to another's demands
Okay, when we let me say number one again number one passive-aggressive people use resentment and opposition to leadership to force their agenda
number two
And they use intentional number two these intentional procrastination intentional mistakes in response to others demands so
Let's go to
verse number
37
37 in
Second Samuel chapter 14 says in verse 37 that Absalom fled and went to Talmai the son of
Emma Emma hood king of Geshur and David mourned for his son every day
So Absalom fled and went to Geshur and was there three years
so here we have where he flees and
And
He goes to this other kingdom called Geshur and he was there for three years. He fled his responsibility
So what what would what was responsibility people to stay there and face the charges maybe go to trial over what he did
But instead he he did something else. He fled and he was gone for three years
But that three years is just shows what he does
He waits for time to pass and then he uses his passive-aggressive techniques
again
So look at verse 39
It says and the soul of King David longed to go forth unto Absalom for he was comforted concerning Amnon seen
That he was dead. So
David I think he felt a sense of relief for the fact that his son got killed
Because I think that he was guilt felt guilty over not dealing with it correctly
That's just my personal opinion, but it does say that he was comforted concerning Amnon seeing he was dead so but
Here here's the other thing about passive-aggressive people
They're still good at keeping people on their side, even though that person doesn't like them
So King David will still love his son obviously, but didn't realize that his son hated him
And so even though that passive-aggressive person might hate your guts
They're still good at keeping you on their team
And so that's the thing about passive-aggressive people like this guy
Is that they're still good at keeping people under their command and under their puppet strings. I
believe
David thought Absalom had done the right thing possibly
But really Absalom's part was not with David and David did not deal correctly with the sin of his son. That's obvious and
Absalom is again using this situation to eventually try to take the kingdom
passive-aggressive people are very patient in some cases and
Here we see Absalom go and run and hide from justice for three years
So the first time he waited for two years and then now he's waiting for three years
So that's five years if we're all doing the math here. So number one passive-aggressive people
Use resentment and opposition to achieve their goals number two they use procrastination and intentional mistakes
To go against the leadership. So number two
You know just to sum that that up is that they use procrastination. So what was he doing? He was procrastinating the judgment
You know, when we tell somebody to do something in your in leadership over them and they just dawdle around like I think about at
work, you know, sometimes if you're the like if you're a crew leader or you're a boss or something and you ask someone to
Do something sometimes the people that are in opposition to your leadership or they want to try to overthrow you
Or make you look bad at the boss
They'll procrastinate so that the job doesn't get done and try to make you look like you're a bad leader
So and that's exactly the technique that you see him doing here
And so they'll intentionally procrastinate, you know, they'll draw all I got lost. I'm sorry
Oh, I have to go to the bathroom or you know
people can just try to drag a job down and and dealing with those types of people that when there's no
Repercussions, there's nothing you can actually do to stop them from doing that situation
It'd be very frustrating. Those are passive-aggressive people
Hey, will you back that truck up to here and then they just sit there and don't do what you ask
And so that gets people like me upset because I feel like you're not listening but then I realize
Like this just happened to me a couple weeks ago. I was on a job with a whole bunch of new crew members and
I was asking people to do stuff and they were giving me attitude problems about it. I'm like what in the world?
It's not like I was yelling and screaming at people
But you know after people continue to just not listen for you know, several different things. I'm like, okay. This is
Some kind of a plot to try to make me look like I'm a bad leader and then they want to
Procrastinate to make me look like I'm freaking out. Well, actually I did kind of freak out a little bit
But you know, I reeled myself in because I realized what they were doing
And so once I realized what they're doing, I just used a different tactic and put it back on themselves
but even even one of the things that someone said was like when I came up and explained why I was
Being the way I was like, oh I was just joking that's what they said to me and I'm like, wow, that's a classic
passive-aggressive move there
And it's a person I've been there for a long time. So they knew what they were doing
so
passive-aggressive people use resentment things that they're upset about and
An opposition to achieve their goals they use procrastination
And intentional mistakes to go against leadership. Here's the other thing that that intentional mistakes what I mean by that is
Someone that doesn't like doing a certain job
They'll just intentionally make mistakes so that they don't have to keep being put on that particular type of job
And so that is also
passive-aggressive so they know what to do or maybe
They do they know what to do, but they intentionally make mistakes
They do they know what to do, but they intentionally make mistakes in order to
Get you irritated with them and say don't give me that person again, you know, basically
so, uh, you know and that's
One of the things that where I work sometimes people say this they say never get good at a crappy job
So if it's a job that you hate doing and you do your best job trying to get it done
But you hate that job. Well chances are you're going to get put in that job again because you did a great job
so they're
they're saying
They just say
you know
uh
Don't get good at a crappy job, you know
Then that per if you do such a crappy job
Then that per that boss will never let you do that job again because they're like that person sucks at that job
so and then they won't allow it to happen so
Anyway, number three cynical sullen and hostile attitudes are also
Passive aggressive cynical
sullen or hostile attitudes so cynical is like, you know, uh, they just like have a
they they act like
Uh, they just they just have like a bad attitude towards things sullen is where you're pouting, you know
Like you got put on a job you don't like and then the person's over there just like all upset and pouty
And they want you to come over and go what's wrong, you know, I can't stand that
But there's also people that have hostile attitudes
And that they use that as their passive aggressive so they might be mad about something that they have to do
And they have a hostile attitude about it
So that people just be like, oh, you know try to treat that person with kid gloves because they're afraid
You know upsetting the apple cart and that person's kind of like a bully
so let's look at uh
Let's see verse 28
in second samuel 14
Says so absalom dwelt two full years in jerusalem and saw not the king's face
Therefore absalom sent for joab to have him sent to the king
But he would not come to him and when he sent again the second time he would not come therefore
He said unto his servant see joab's field is near mine and he hath barley there go and set it on fire
And absalom's servants sent or set the field on fire so here again we see
Absalom he's he's pouting isn't he he says
uh, therefore he said
To to have him said he said but he would not come to him
And when he sent again the second time he would not come so absalom's mad because joab won't come to him
Now look what it says in verse 30 therefore
He said unto the servants see joab's field is near mine and had barley there
Go and set it on fire and absolom's servants set the field on fire then joab arose and came to absalom
Under his house and said unto him wherefore have thy servants set my field on fire. So he confronts him
For what he did, you know, so joab was ignoring him, but he's like, oh you're gonna ignore me
Well, i'm gonna send my servants to
You know to set your field on fire
so
Did did he do it himself? No classic passive aggressive person
They send their minions to do something and they didn't go to absalom and confront him
Did they they went and burned his field down instead as a way to?
aggressively
Attack him without attacking him
Confrontationally right to his face
Because if these guys would have came to at joab's face
He probably would have carved him up like a thanksgiving turkey because joab wasn't exactly the nicest guy in the world
you know, he was a murderer and uh, so
You know the the man absolom
You know, obviously being passive aggressively. He didn't want to directly confront joab
so
But then he finally comes to him. He says in verse 31 then joab arose
Um, yeah, why is why my servants set thy field on fire and absolom answered joab behold
I sent unto thee saying come hither that I may uh, send thee to the king to say wherefore my come
from gesher
It had been good for me that I uh to have been there still
See he's being sullen. He's being cynical
Now therefore let me see the king's face and if there be any iniquity in me, let him kill me
Oh, just let the king kill me, you know
He's playing the baby games
He's playing the feel sorry for me games. I've been here this whole time and now I can't see the king's face
And so he's being a little whiny baby
and he
Is using these different techniques the cynical stolen and hostile attitude
to be passive aggressive and get his way
so
Uh, so joab came to the king and told him and when he had called for absolom
He came to the king and bowed himself to his face to the ground before the king and the king kissed absolom
So this is what absolom's goal for this whole time. So again, he waited two full years
So remember the first time it was two years
Then he waited three years now in jerusalem. He waited two more years
So that's seven years. I mean he he's biding his time
And he waited two more years before he went whining to joab to get his way and he passively aggressively attacked him
To get his way with the king
so
number one passive aggressive
People use resentment and opposition to achieve their goals number two
They use procrastination and intentional mistakes to go against leadership number three
They use cynical stolen or hostile attitudes
to get what they want
number four
This is the last point then i'll have some application
number four frequent complaints about feeling
Underappreciated or cheated to manipulate people. This is another tactic
Of the passive aggressive person is to freak to have frequent complaints about feeling underappreciated
Or cheated to manipulate people now this also might be them using it
On to have the opposite effect like them saying well, I know you've been cheated
I know you are feeling underappreciated
I know
You know, you're going through a hard time and they use that to manipulate people
For their passive aggressive needs and that's exactly what absalom does now turn to second samuel 15
verse 15
second samuel 15
verse 15
Now if you don't think that he's doing that, you know, I mean, it's pretty obvious in the text
Look at verse 15 it says
And it came to pass
after this that absalom
Prepared him chariots and horses and 50 men to do what run before him
So again, he's not really a leader. He's just a passive aggressive manipulator and even here
he still has people running before him because he
Is not a leader it says and absalom rose up early and stood beside the way of the gate
And it was so that when any man
That had a controversy came to the king for judgment
Then absalom called unto him and said of what city art thou
And he said thy servant is of one of the tribes of israel
And absalom said unto him
See thy matters are good and right, but there's no man deputed of the king to hear thee
Absalom said moreover. Oh that I were made judge in the land
That every man which hath any suit or cause might come unto me
And I would do him
justice, so
What's he using? He's using frequent complaints about feeling underappreciated or cheated to manipulate these other people
And it might not even be him
himself he's he's making it out to be that they
Are being cheated that they are being underappreciated and that's what an absalom
A passive aggressive person does to people and they do this in families. They do this
In friendships they do this in the workplace and they do this in churches
And they do it in churches, you know, and obviously this is a you know a preaching about church for church
But this can help you in all aspects of life to see these different types of manipulation
That these people do
And this can help you in your family life. This can help you, you know in your friendships
This can help you in your workplace. This can help you in your church relationships
With people so
What did he do? He just said hey, you know, I know you got issues, but don't come don't go to the pastor
Don't go to the pastor. Hey, he's way too busy. Why don't you come to me and i'll help you with your bible
problems
I'll help you with your family problems when you see that in church. That's a that should be a red flag to you
Don't if someone ever says to you in church. Hey pastors be too busy to deal with this
Why don't you let me help you with this don't
You need to you know, you need to come right to me and let me know
if some
Lady in the church says hey, I mean, I really need to talk to somebody about this if they say well, you know
Don't go to the pastor's wife because she's just way too busy and she's got all this stuff going on
Why don't you come to me instead? Let me get your email address
and
You know, we'll chat back and forth outside of church
Those are bad people those are people that you should just have a red flag in your mind right away
That if people are doing crap like that, that means they're trying to manipulate you
And they're being passive aggressive towards the pastor and they're using frequent complaints
And people feeling underappreciated
To or cheated to manipulate you
And so that's how people rise up
And cause problems in churches, but it can also happen
at work
Someone will tell you information and say oh, you know what me and the boss are like best friends
You know, don't tell the boss this but let me tell you what I know and so they play all these situations against each other
But if they say yeah the boss invites me out
For dinner and to go boating and all this stuff out and then you think well, hey
I can never bring any of my concerns about this person to the boss because they're friends outside of work
That person could be manipulating you and they could be using passive aggressive techniques like absolom
to
cause problems in the workplace and
You know family members are the same way family members are will gossip about each other
You know, they'll tell you something to say. Oh, but don't tell
So and so that I told you this
You know and that's how they manipulate and and mess with people that way inside families
families and uh
and and friendships
so, you know and look these type of people need to be
Confronted but look i'm going to give you some tips here just a minute about how?
You know you can avoid or how to you know, and I don't know if you can ever possibly
Overcome every single person that's passive aggressive in your life
But you know one way you could do is cut that person out of your life, you know
If it's someone that won't hear or approve or rebuke
Then maybe you should just have that person away from you as much as you possibly can
so
So look what happens with absolom in second samuel chapter 15. It says
Absalom, uh, let's see and it was so that when any man came nigh to him to do obeisance
He put forth his hand and took him and kissed him
Now this says he took him and kissed him
In an honest manner did absolom to all israel that came to the king for judgment. So
Absalom stole the hearts of the men of israel and how long did this take?
Verse seven and it came to pass after 40 years
That absalom said unto the king I pray thee
Let me go and pay my vow which I have vowed him to the lord in hebron
So how many years will be talking here from the very beginning of all this? Well, you had the two years he waited to kill amnon
Yeah, the three years he was in gesher and then manipulated himself to be brought back to the king
He waited two years in jerusalem
And then burned joebsfield down manipulated his way to get before the king for the king would kiss him and give him
You know a little more free rein and able to do things
And not uh, and to be able to see the king's face and look like he was in favor with all the people
and
Then 40 years he spends
Turning the hearts of israel against david the king who was a good king
but see when
passive-aggressive people go unchecked
This is the types of things that can happen. I'm not saying this situation happens every time
But just this is what passive-aggressive people do
That's their game. They're too cowardly
and too spineless to just be manly or
womanly
to
You know confront people directly they're afraid, you know, and that's not how christian people
Should act they shouldn't be afraid to confront things now
Am I saying you have to be a horse's rear end every time?
You try to go and confront somebody about something you can have tact and still confront somebody now if it gets brought up to another level
Then there's ways to deal with that. So
And of course, we know the end how the story ends
Absalom betrays his father and sleeps with all his concubines
Kills people he turns all his friends against them
And you know a passive this in this case of this passive-aggressive person was a very wicked person
But again, if you have like passive-aggressive tendencies
In you maybe it's just something that you learned. Maybe it's just something
Uh character flaw that you have because you are too afraid to directly come
Confront people
But I would just say that if that's you that you need to get your heart right with god
And quit trying and quit being afraid to confront people
You know or or if you're just manipulating people and you realize hey
I manipulate people and this is just what I do
Then maybe you should just realize hey i'm I need to stop trying to manipulate people
And if I have a problem with someone I should just go to that person directly and say hey
You know you did this and it offended me
Let's work this out
Instead of just you know
forming cliques and factions in church
against people
uh
trying to
Outcast somebody because you don't like them and you don't want your friends to like them
That's what people do in high school and grade school that shouldn't be done
in churches, so
I got this from
A psychologist online so i'm not saying this is the greatest advice ever
But I just here's how the world tells you how to deal with it. So it says although passive-aggressive behavior can be
a feature of various mental health conditions
It isn't considered a distinct mental illness. So passive-aggressive people
aren't is it it's not a
Mental illness is what they're saying
It says passive-aggressive behavior can interfere with relationships
Well, we know that because of the bible story we just read it in there it interfered with a lot of
David's relationships and caused difficulties on the job
If you're struggling with passive-aggressive behavior, or you think your loved one is consider consulting a therapist
now
That's what the world says to do, but i'm not going to tell you to go see a therapist
I'm going to say you need to go to the word of god and let the word of god
Retrain your brain to to act appropriately and to do what's right?
so
For i'll just have you turn to some scriptures. Um, let's see
First corinthians chapter 16 verse 13
Actually, i'll just read that one turn to matthew chapter 18 verse 15
So first corinthians 16 13 says watch ye stand fast in the faith
Quit you like men
be strong
So god, you know, he wants us if you're if you're manly stand in the stand fast quit you like men and be strong
Don't just you know be a passive-aggressive little
Uh beta male, you know, that's that's what beta males do. That's what that's what absolom was. He was a beta male
I mean in all reality he was too afraid, you know, do you think david was afraid to confront people?
David wasn't afraid to confront people. He wasn't a beta male
he was a tough guy and uh
He didn't have any problems saying it like it was
You know, and he wasn't always right in every situation in his life, but he was a man and after god's own heart
We know that
So the bible says in matthew chapter 18 to do it says
Moreover, if thy brother trespass against thee go and tell him his fall between thee and him alone
If he shall hear thee thou hast gained thy brother, so what's the bible say to do when you have a problem with someone?
Passively aggressively assassinate their character. No, it says go tell him his fault between thee and him alone
But this is not what people do and look i've been guilty of not doing this
I remember a long time ago. I
I felt really dumb after I did this, but I had a problem with someone
And I felt like I couldn't
Directly deal with that person because of how they act
But it doesn't it didn't
You know negate my responsibility as a christian according to what the bible says so I went to the pastor I said this person
This is how they talked to me. This is what they did blah blah blah and he goes. Well, did you talk to them about it?
I was like
No, I didn't and he said well, maybe you should talk to them about it first before he'd come to me about it
I was like
Yeah
so
You know and obviously I was a new christian at that time
But I should have known that verse and I should have known
what the right thing to do is so
Obviously if if someone you go to someone and then they don't hear you
Then it says but if you will not hear thee then take
Uh with thee one or two more than in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established
So see you see how this is still confronting directly. It's not
Going behind someone's back it's not you know rallying your troops around you
It's it's just getting two or three witnesses
Probably so people can establish
You know, this is the argument. This is their argument. Let every word be established
and then
Uh, whatever those people judge is the right situation is probably how the situation should end
It says but if he shall neglect to hear them tell it under the church
But if you neglect to hear the church
Let him
Be unto thee as a heathen man and a publican
So again, like I was saying
Directly confront the person. Okay, and again, it doesn't have to be rude
And then if they won't then take two or three witnesses and then confront them again
Okay, and that way it's not known to every single person or it's not just your best friends
And maybe you shouldn't just take your best friends
Maybe you should take someone that doesn't know anything about the situation or won't side with one person or the other
They'll just be an impartial judge
It says that every word may be established again. That's frontal
Confrontation. Okay
And it doesn't again have to be super nasty
But then it says if they shall neglect to hear them tell it onto the church
So that's when the church would get involved and you would tell it to the whole church
To the whole church that doesn't mean to tell it to all of facebook all of youtube all of social media tick tock
rick rock and whatever else stupid meme you have or
social media site you have I don't even know what they all are but
Of what is it instagram?
That doesn't mean you go and try to rally all your friends on instagram and facebook to try
To get all the words established. It says tell it to the church and it should be a private thing between
You them and the whole church, okay
We've never had that situation have to happen in our church
But I think a lot of the thing is because people still
Don't use these scriptures and apply them to their lives. This is how you defeat
Passive-aggressive people, you know, if there's someone just passive-aggressive and they're constantly messing with you and they offend you
Why don't you go the matthew 18 route?
confront them
And look if they won't hear you
Bring the witnesses if they won't hear
The witnesses that bring it before the church and then what's to say let him be unto thee as a heathen man and a publican
that means
Have nothing to do with them
Okay
So now proverbs chapter 27 verse 5 says open rebuke is better than secret love. So what was what was abso?
Famous for he wasn't famous for openly rebuking people was he he went behind the scenes and caused all this damage
And that's what people do in secret says faith for the wounds of a friend
But the kisses of an enemy are deceitful. What did absalom do he came up and kissed them
What did judas do to jesus? He came up and kissed him. It says the kisses of an enemy
Are deceitful if someone is your enemy
And they're trying to be all nicely nice with you don't necessarily fall for that
I mean obviously if a person repaints and asks you to forgive them you should do that
The bible commands you to do that
But you know if people just continue to do the same thing over and over again and they just want
Uh to be someone toxic in your life
Then you can you know, the bible says in matthew 18 to get that toxic person away from you
You know, let them be to uh as to you as a heathen man a republican
so
You know, it's def it's difficult to pin people down
these passive aggressive people down
Even if you directly confront them it is difficult to pin them down and this is what happens most of the time when you uh,
Try to directly confront somebody like that
um
Most times if you do confront them, they try to act like you're the one that's overreacting
And i've had this happen lots of times
They oftentimes avoid direct clear
Communication because they want the deniability. Well, I didn't hear you say that
I didn't hear you. I didn't hear
And that's what people that are passive aggressive do
they avoid direct clear communication from you and act like
They didn't hear you or they didn't know so they can deny
The fact of what they did
And then you'll give them another chance
You know, they they want deniability of hearing or understanding something that's been already established
Hey, you know, we're not supposed to have birthday parties after church
you shouldn't bring all of your
gifts and
Things like that unless it's been talked to
the pastor about it before
Obviously, we don't do that at our church. I'm just making an example
It's not i'm trying to not trying to call anybody out or anything like that. I'm just saying the reason why we don't have birthday parties
You know every week at our church is because with all the kids in our church, we'd have
a never-ending birthday parties after church
Or never-ending birthday parties at church. So
We don't do that because
I don't want to have you know, if I tell somebody yes one time then everybody else is going to come to me
Well, you told so-and-so
You told you let so-and-so to do it. And so I just have a rule no birthday parties at the church
That way I never have to deal with it. Nobody ever has to clean up somebody else's mess
Nobody else's feelings are getting hurt because someone didn't get invited
And things like that and it's just a small church mind
mentality
so
But if I've told people that over and over again and they still continue to come to me and say
Hey, we were just wondering if we could have a birthday party at the church. It's no
I mean that to me is a clear
Communication i've made with that person and then they act like oh, oh, I didn't know
You can't you know that that is a person that's being passive aggressive. They're trying to
Hit you back with stuff
And act like you're the bad guy because their kid doesn't get to have a birthday party now
well
There's a place, you know, i've had birthday parties my whole life and I don't even have much church
You know you can have you can invite anybody to any kid's birthday party you want
But it doesn't have to be a church. Okay, so jude chapter or jude verse 15
Turn to jude verse 15
So another thing that people like to do is they like to say backhanded comments
As a way of being passive aggressive and they claim they're just joking
Oh, just kidding. Just joking and that is a super passive aggressive way that people handle things
Look at the bible says in jude 15 star. Yeah, jude chapter or verse 15. It says
To execute judgment upon all into defense all that are ungodly among them
Of all their ungodly deeds
Which they have ungodly committed and of all their hard speeches which ungodly sinners have spoken
Against him now, obviously this is talking about false prophets
And it says these are murmurers
Complainers walking after their own lust and their mouths speak speaketh great swelling words
Having men's persons in admiration because of advantage
Now this is the way false prophets work
And so, you know, it's also a way that passive aggressive people work too
They're very good at arguing with people
And they complain and they whine about stuff and they're constantly just wanting things that they want their own lust
But it says they're good at speaking great swelling words and then they have people's admiration because of advantage
Now a lot of false prophets in the world
People look up to them because they're on tv preaching or whatever like tv jakes and and all these guys
Uh kenneth copeland and all these get rich quick preachers that are on television
they have people's admiration because of advantage and people look at them like
Oh, this is someone that I should follow and listen to
But they're just people that are murmuring complainers that speak great swelling words. They fall after their own lust. What's their lust money?
That's what they want
and so
Absalom was a perfect prototype of this
Absalom was a man of advantage physically
He was so good looking from head to toe that people just automatically
Uh clung to that guy
Socially, he had a social circle. He had a lot of friends
And in status, he was the king's son
so he had a lot of people
Admiring him because of his of his advantage and therefore they fell for his great swelling words
And you know, basically he was just walking after his own loss. What did he want? He wanted the kingdom
What did he want? He wanted to destroy his father's kingdom. He slept with all his wives
all ten of his concubines
And ultimately, he was just a murmuring complainer. He was always whining about something trying to get
an advantage
so
And obviously people can think of examples in their family examples with their friends, you know
I told you about the recent thing when I was crew leader at work
and uh
You know, there's example here's some examples in church
Oh pastor doesn't have time. Let me help you. Oh miss sherry is too busy. Let me help you. Here's another one
people, um
That whisper things to each other during church
about things they disagree with the pastor about so
People probably don't realize that I see them do this and maybe they're not whispering about anything bad
but when I see when I say something that's
kind of controversial
Or something that someone maybe I feel like maybe someone doesn't agree with this
And I turn or I look and I see the husband whispering to the wife something
That is passive aggressive in my mind
And maybe you didn't mean anything by it
Maybe you just like don't listen to what are you saying right now if that's what you're saying
You know what the bible says to teach your wives at home the bible doesn't say
To sit there and whisper to your wife while the pastor's looking at you. That's passive aggressive. You're being passive aggressive towards me
Acting like I don't know what i'm talking about. If you don't agree with something that i'm preaching that's fine
But you don't have to make a spectacle of yourself
In the middle of a church service and whisper to someone else i've seen people do it a lot it really irritates me
And when I see people do it, maybe I'll just should just call them out. Like is there something that I need to know too?
You know or you know, what does the bible say if your wife has a question let her ask that question at home
Teach your family at home if you and I don't care if you disagree with me about stuff. That's fine
But don't do it in the middle of a church service while i'm watching you
That's passive aggressive
Here's another example
uh
Let's see
Yeah, how about when
One lady just says hi to every single person in the room except for one other lady
That's passive aggressive behavior. That's trying to make someone feel uncomfortable in front of everybody else. It's passive aggressive. That's wicked
And there are people that i've seen do this also
Like they'll say hi to every other woman in the church except for my wife
If you've got a problem with my wife, why don't you just go to her?
And say hey, you know i've had this problem with you for a while or whatever and work that thing out
But instead you just continue
To just act all passive aggressive toward her this whole time. It's just so
You know, it's so obvious that you do it
You know, and if you're the person that i'm talking to I don't even know
You know who i'm talking to exactly right now
Well, i'm just saying if that's something that you do that's a tactic of a passive aggressive person. You should stop doing that. It's wicked
You should just
have
You know the sand
To tell someone how you feel about them
And quit pretending like you like them
or quit pretending
You know or quit being passive aggressive towards them at church in front of other people
Because don't you think that that I mean you obviously know what you're doing when you say hi, oh hi
And then that one person you never you don't talk to the whole day
It's hard for you to just say goodbye at the end of the church service to them. It's kind of weird
It's passive aggressive for sure
so
The bible calls those people scorners
Scorn is a person who expresses contempt or disdain for someone or something
proverbs 9 7
Says he that reproveth a scorner getteth to himself a shame
And he that rebuketh a wicked man
getteth himself a blot
So that means we're not supposed to
rebuke people
Well, I would say that this is someone that you already know is this way
Or maybe you've already rebuked them
And they shame you or maybe you've already reproved them
and they
uh
They act all crazy towards you
It says reprove not a scorn or lest he hate thee
So once you realize hey i've reproved them i've rebuked them and they hate you for that
That means that that person's a scorner
I mean, isn't that what the bible says either reprove the score get himself ashamed
He that rebuke of the wise a wicked man get it himself a blot
Reprove not a scorn or lest he hate thee
Rebuke a wise man and he will love thee what the apostle paul
Due to peter. He said he was acting he was acting a fool
acting like a judaizer and paul
rebuked him to the face
He confronted him directly and said hey
You know what you're doing is not right
You know, he told he rebuked him in front of everybody to his face because he had to do that because of the situation now
That's not always the situation
But peter was a wise man
And peter took that
But see if you did that to someone that's a wicked
passive-aggressive person scorer
Then they're not going to react that way
And so that's when you know the difference between who you're dealing with whether you're dealing with a wise man
Or whether you're dealing with a scorer
I hope that makes sense whether you're dealing with a passive-aggressive scorer that just hates your guts
Or whether you're dealing with a wise person that could just say you know what you're right
I am wrong and I need to get my act together
so
The bible says if thou be wise in verse 12 thou shalt be wise for thyself, but if thou scornest
Thou alone shall bear it
And there is going to be a reckoning and here's the thing
We might not always
You know
This person might be a passive-aggressive
Scorner to you for your whole life or your whole career with them in church or your whole career with them at work or
In your family or whatever
But you know who's gonna avenge you someday?
It's gonna be god and so you don't always have to avenge or revenge yourself
Sometimes you just have to say you know what this person is really skilled at what they're doing
Maybe these people don't realize what they're doing
Maybe these people in church don't see the game that this person is playing
Maybe this person at work, maybe all these people at work don't see
This person that's put himself in an advantageous position and act like he's the best friend of the boss. Maybe all that's true
But you know the thing is is that god
Says but if thou scornest thou alone shall bear it you're gonna deal
With the scorning that you do, you know how you're gonna deal with that. God's gonna deal with it for you
He's the one that's gonna smack you around
You know, we don't have to necessarily expose every scorner. Hey, once you realize you got a scorner on your hands
Then you know that you if you go back to them again, they're just gonna
Deal with you shamefully again
They're gonna make you ashamed. They're gonna say oh wow. I was just joking or they're gonna be like
You know embarrass you in front of people because maybe you don't talk as well as them in front of other people
See some people can argue
Even if they're in a position that they're wrong
They still are a better arguer than you are and so you still look like the fool
And so when you know, you're dealing with a scornful person that just hates you
And you try to keep rebuking them and going to them you're gonna get yourself a blot
You're gonna get yourself shame. And so you should just know hey, this person's not a wise person
Just need to go away, you know, stay away from them
so
And some people are fools and reproving
Them and rebuking them reveals what they are to you
So when you when you rebuke these fools
And you approve these fools it reveals to you what they are
And so these verses can be helpful to you
To know hey, you know, I you know, but obviously try to go things through the direct channels be
You know just just be a man and just tell someone to their face
Do you have a problem with them? I don't understand, you know for a long time in my life
I was it was hard for me to do that. I'll just admit it
But you know
As i've gotten older, I don't think anybody would say that I have a hard time
You know confronting people to their face because I do it all the time
but uh
You know, I just even at work, you know
I used to be a person at work that would fall in these traps with these people sometimes and I would be so distraught over it
and now I just
I just say it right to their face. You got a problem?
Let's deal with it
and then
It gets dealt with and then we move on we're still friends
And that's the way it should be
Matthew 5 37 says we'll let your communication be yay. Yay or nay nay for whatsoever is more than these
cometh of evil
Well, what am I trying to say? Well when you communicate with people, hey, are you are you have a problem with me? Yes, I do
Or no, I don't not
Not really
And then you act all sad
You get the pouty face
You get the pouty puss
and people just
That's just the way people are but you know what say what you mean? Don't be a little weasel
Don't try to scurry away from every kind of conflict that you have
Sometimes people need to know that you have a problem with them and you know what?
It'll make you feel way better to just confront the person head on
than it will be to
Lie to them and say you don't have a problem with them and then continue to have a problem with them
It's really an escape, you know, it makes your soul feel better
So if you have a problem with someone have the stones to say it to them
And you know if I ask you if you're upset about something tell me the truth
If i'm asking you I want to know the answer
Maybe there's just a misunderstanding between us that happens
So and what I don't expect is fake
passive aggressive people
To just you know act like they're my friend, but in reality they're talking crap
behind my back
Pastors do it sometimes to other preachers
You know and and it's happened a lot lately
And here's how I deal
with an issue where I need to teach
or unteach something to my church that I might not agree with the doctrine so
just
You know, if if i'm preaching something like if i'm preaching the lord's supper, obviously there's disagreements
Within our camp about how that
Takes place, you know, i'm just gonna be open about it. Yeah, there's disagreements about it
and so but what i'm not gonna do is i'm not gonna get up and say
Pastor this pastor so and so he's such an idiot, you know, he's a retard, you know
That's not how I deal with my friends, you know with my friends
I would just you know, and obviously I wouldn't say that about my friends anyways, but
You know, I just think that the best way to deal with things like that is just to teach what the bible says
you know and win your people over by
Just showing them what the bible says and if they agree with you then they're then you've gained
You know
the confidence of your congregation
so
you know and pastors do this sometimes people get out of control and
you know
I I think that
For a pastor to be passive aggressive in his preaching
I just think it's wrong. You know, I think if we're friends that we shouldn't do that to each other now
You know, I just had some issues with some pastors and one of the pastors apologized to me
So and I think that's great
And i'm happy to be friends
When people apologize and and they realize that they did something wrong and hey, maybe I did some wrong stuff, too
but
I just don't want to be a man that cuts down. God's fruit trees if I think someone's doing
Good work for the lord. They're getting people saved and they're teaching their congregation, right?
The more power to them. I don't have to be friends with people
But i'm not going to just cut them down publicly week after week month after month day after day year after year
so if I disagree with somebody on a
Doctrinal subject I just preach what the bible says and I might say something along the lines of well, you know
Some pastors preach it differently, but this is what we believe at the church
Nothing wrong with that. But if I vehemently and now if someone's preaching heresy, that's a whole nother story
but
If I disagree with something someone says I don't just go cut that person down and make it very clear who i'm talking about
but then
Stop by not saying their name
You know that is passive aggressive preaching and I don't really like that
I know it happens and it happens a lot, but that's just not something I want to do and maybe if I have
I'm sure i've done it
But I don't want to be that way. And so maybe that's why this
was on my heart in the first place to preach but
You know, I might not agree with someone's doctrine
but again
If i'm friends with somebody and even even while i'm preaching and I it seems like i'm passively aggressively
Hitting someone i'm not that's not my aim to do
I don't have to mention people's names when i'm trying to preach some truth into them
But again attacking that person for the per for the character that they are
Like saying you're an idiotic moron retard all that kind of stuff to one of my church members. That's not how I should
preach to people
you know or people, you know, if someone's a
Like a wicked reprobate I would talk about them like that but as far as it being like my friend i'm not going to do that
So
And if others do that
Then that's their problem and they can be friends with who they want and i'll be friends with who I want
but that's just how I feel about it, so
you know and
Again, I want to be graceful to god's people. I want to be graceful to other pastors as much
as possible and it's really hard sometimes because there's been
some definite cracks on me
And my friends
About all the coronavirus stuff and all that stuff. But anyway, i'm past all that so and i'm happy that uh,
you know i've
You know had some reconciliation with
Some friends and things like that
uh, so i'm happy for that because you know sometimes just picking up a phone and saying hey
Let's talk about this that's the best way to do it not passively aggressively preaching against each other
And things like that. So
anyway, uh
You know people say i'm too nice
And maybe sometimes I am you know, but i'd rather be forgiving and graceful and tenderhearted and show mercy to people. That's just
how I feel about it, so
So, how do we deal with people like this again, we
Directly confront them and then we can know whether they're wise or a scorner
We should directly confront them tell them they've offended us
If they won't hear you bring two witnesses if they still won't hear you tell it to the church and again
The matthew 18 situation doesn't fit every situation. Okay, so and i'm not going to take a matthew 18 situation to another pastor
You know pastors can deal with their own church members. That's how I feel about that
So if it's another pastor that you're trying to matthew 18 me with
You know
That's not the pastor of my church
That's the pastor of their own church and their own people can deal
with that kind of stuff so
anyway, uh
You know, but when you directly confront someone and they make you look foolish because they're just a better talker than you
You should understand the situation you're in
And you should realize
What's going on that could be the trap that they're setting for you and you fall right into it like an idiot
or a fool
Okay
Don't be foolish with
How you address someone don't jump don't fall into their trap
I mean because that's what they want to do. They want to trap you
And to saying something so they can cut you down
And you don't want that to happen and again know when it's time to ignore them
sometimes ignoring people
Makes them even more mad
So there's people that I know we're trying to just pick at me and pick at me
And I just ignore them. You know what they blew their top
And that's what people will do. They'll blow their top and make themselves look foolish. You know, sometimes it's best to just let them
reveal themselves
you know
and know that this um
You know, we're not supposed to be afraid
To confront people so we need to be bold as a lion
The bible says the wicked flee when no man pursueth, but the righteous
Are bold as a lion
So we need to know that as god's people we're supposed to be bold with people
and
confrontational
without being a jerk
You know, sometimes you do have to be a jerk. So just depends on the situation. So
the bible says i'm going to finish here, but
bible says in deuteronomy 23
Verse one it says he that's wounded in the stones or at this privy matter were cut off
Shall enter into the congregation of the lord
So if you come to our church instead of being passive-aggressive, why don't you have the stones?
to confront
Things head on or just keep your mouth shut
Just keep your mouth shut
If you can't if you have to be passive-aggressive
Then shut up
Don't even be it
If you can't confront someone to the face, you don't have the stones to be in the congregation of the lord
Don't be passive-aggressive. It's wicked
And you can see by the life of epsilon how when it goes unchecked it has a really bad ending
So number one passive-aggressive people use resentment and opposition to achieve their goals
Number two, they use procrastination and intentional mistakes to go against leadership
Number three, they use cynical sullen or hostile attitudes
To get what they want
And number four they use frequent complaints
About feeling unappreciated or cheated to manipulate
People so hopefully that sticks with you
And maybe I was a little crass and some of the things I said this morning
I definitely wasn't as fiery as I normally would be but I do not feel good still so
That's just the way it is. But anyway, I hope you have the rest
of a blessed day
This sunday and don't forget that brother blake is going to be preaching
At 3 30 pm today and church will be
Open back to our normal schedule on sunday morning. So
Let's have a word of prayer heavenly father. We thank you lord so much for this wonderful day
I gotta just pray that you'd bless brother blake as he preaches later on and pray that you'd help us
To realize when we're being passive-aggressive or how to deal with passive-aggressive people. I hope that this was a help to people lord
and maybe some other
people could
Come up with some other good ways to deal with this
and lord, I just
Pray that something people think about because it's not preached about very often
And I pray that you would just bless the rest of our day
Help those that are still sick to feel better in jesus name we pray. Amen