["Pomp and Circumstance"]
11? Song number 11.
11? He Died For Me?
["He Died For Me"]
I don't know if we know this song. Do we know this song?
["He Died For Me"]
Are you okay picking? Can I come back to you? I'm gonna have you pick another one. I'm sorry, I don't know that song very well.
Anybody else? Let's see here.
Ms. Lindsey?
281.
Okay, 281. Pass Me Not, O Gentle Savior. Pass Me Not, 281.
All right, sing it out. On the first.
Pass me not, O gentle Savior, hear my humble cry.
While on others Thou art calling, do not pass me by.
Savior, Savior, hear my humble cry.
While on others Thou art calling, do not pass me by.
Okay, let's see here. Brother Noah?
24? Song number 24. On the third, brother? On the third? All right, we can't sing this song out without singing it loud.
Let's sing it out loud on the third. The last verse of And Can It Be That I Should Gain. Let's sing it out loud, as loud as you can.
Long my imprisoned spirit way, fast bound in sin and nature's light.
I use thine, I diffuse a quick, mean ray.
I hold the dungeon flamed with life.
Sing it out.
My chains fell off, my heart was free.
I rose when forth and followed the amazing love.
How can it be that Thou, my God, just died for me? Amen. Great singing. Lainey, go ahead.
Number 10. I know that one. Number 10. Near the Cross. Song number 10. On the first. Let's go ahead and sing it out.
Near the Cross. Number 10. On the first.
Till my raptured soul shall find. Rest beyond the river. Amen.
We're going to sing one more song this evening. Miss Ava? 190. Song number 190. Wonderful, wonderful Jesus.
Song number 190. Let's go ahead and sing it out on the first.
There is never a day so dreary. There is never a night so long.
But the soul that is trusting Jesus will somewhere find the song.
Wonderful, wonderful Jesus. In the heart He implanteth a song.
The song of deliverance of courage and strength. In the heart He implanteth a song. Amen. Great singing.
Amen. Good singing tonight. Let's go ahead and take our bulletins. We'll get some announcements real quickly.
We're glad you're with us, of course, on a Sunday night for the most exciting service of the week.
And let's go and take our bulletins. If you need a bulletin, raise your hand. One of our ushers can get one for you if you didn't get a bulletin.
The verse this week, Psalm 105. For the Lord is good. His mercy is everlasting and His truth endureth to all generations.
That's a good verse there. We like that. If you open up your bulletin, you'll see our service time Sunday morning service 10 30 a.m.
We had a wonderful service this morning. We're glad, of course, you're back out for the evening service.
And we do invite you to be with us on Wednesday night for the Wednesday night Bible study.
And we call it the most encouraging service of the week.
It's just a good time right in the middle of the week to get away from the world and just get with God's people and be able to spend time, of course, in prayer and in study of the word of God.
If you look at our soul winning times, our main soul winning time is on Saturday mornings at 10 a.m.
We hope you'll join us for our big soul winning rally as we go out on Saturday mornings, of course, and preach the gospel.
We have additional soul winning times on Thursdays and Sundays as well. So you can join us for those if you'd like.
If you look at the announcements and upcoming events, of course, this morning we had our worker appreciation Sunday and took the morning to appreciate all of our workers and volunteers.
But we just want you to know that you're still, of course, welcome on your sheet here.
You've got the worker appreciation roster on one side. On the other side, if you'd like to sign up to help volunteer in one of these areas or maybe there's another area you've got a thought, something you could do to help, let us know.
We'd love to try to help you get connected and to be a worker, of course.
And then we want to let you know that there's a bridal shower coming up for Miss Emily Gessler on Saturday, December 7th at 3 p.m.
And if you'd like to attend, please sign up on your communication card. It is a potluck, so if you can, please bring a dish to share.
And she is registered on Amazon and Target. Also, we have the pie social coming up on Wednesday, November 27th.
That's a Wednesday before Thanksgiving. We'll have a little bit of a shorter service that Wednesday, and then we'll have a time of fellowship with pie and, you know, whatever, coffee and desserts.
So if you can, please bring a pie to share. You can bake it or buy it, whatever, and that'll be good.
And then also, Men and Teen Boys Wiffle Ball Game is on Thanksgiving morning, Thursday, November 28th at 7 p.m.
And the address is there for you. If you'd like to play, there's a sign-up sheet in the foyer, so please make sure you go by there.
If you have any questions, you can see Brother Scott Sweet, and he's the one that's heading this up for us.
And then, of course, the announcement here says that breakfast will be provided, all right? So that's a good deal there.
Now, you men, you can't just show up for breakfast and then leave, okay? You gotta play.
But, you know, people are asking me, and I don't have the answer to this, but people are asking me why Wiffle Ball this year.
I don't know. I didn't make that decision. If I had to guess, too many old guys were getting injured.
If I had to guess, but I'm not sure. So we're trying to keep you guys from getting injured, including me.
And then we have, of course, the Spanish service on Saturday, November 30th at 5 p.m., and there'll be a Spanish potluck for that.
Choir practice, all that happened next Sunday, November 24th at 5.15, is the children's choir.
They're going to start practicing. The adult choir is practicing for Christmas, and then the children are practicing for Christmas as well.
Homeschool group, they've got PE class this Thursday, November 21st, so make sure you make a note of that.
If you look at the back of the bulletin, birthdays and anniversaries for the month of November.
Today is Everly Usher's birthday, so happy birthday to her, and also Brother Jose and Miss Michelle Cruz are celebrating an anniversary today.
So happy anniversary to them. And then this week we have Faith Santos. Her birthday is tomorrow, November 18th.
Evelyn Gonzalez, her birthday is November 19th. Owen Gibbs has a birthday November 19th. Adrian Rios has a birthday November 20th.
My wife, Miss Joanne Jimenez, has a birthday on November 22nd. Jeremiah Morales has a birthday on November 23rd.
Ivy Grace O2 has a birthday on November 23rd, and Leilani Thompson has a birthday on November 23rd.
Praise Report, Money Matters, all of those things are there for you to look at, and I think that's it for all of the announcements.
We're going to go ahead and sing the chorus of the week as we prepare to receive the offering this evening.
And we're going to sing It's Not In Vain, and you've been singing well this evening. Let's go ahead and sing it out on the first.
We have labored in the vineyard of the Lord. Sing it out.
The Lord calls us home. We'll receive eternal treasure and the place of honor near the throne.
It's not in vain. It's not in vain.
We serve a risen Savior. Jesus rolls and reigns. The heavens cheer us on.
Do not walk alone. Our labor, our witness, our faith. It's not in vain.
You're singing exceptionally well tonight. You're singing very well. Let's go ahead and sing it out on the second.
God has seen our faithful service through the years. All the heartaches, all the burdens, all the tears.
But do not be discouraged, because there is a plan. There's a reason for each trial. So trust the leading of His hand.
Good. Here we go. Sing it out.
Do not walk alone. Our labor, our witness, our faith. It's not in vain.
Amen. Good singing. I just want to remind you real quickly, of course, we've got mother-baby rooms and daddy rooms available for your convenience.
And also, please don't forget to turn your cell phones off or place them on silent during the service.
They're not a distraction to anyone. While the guys come up and help us with the offering at this time, let's go ahead and have a word of prayer.
Heavenly Father, Lord, we do love you. And we thank you for allowing us to gather together tonight.
Lord, we pray that you bless the offering, the gift, and the giver. We pray that you would continue to meet our financial needs.
And Lord, we pray that you would meet our spiritual needs. Help us to learn from your word this evening as we study the Bible together.
In Jesus' name we pray. Amen.
Amen.
If you could bring your Bible. 1 Samuel chapter 3. If you need a bow, keep your hand up or a shield will come by.
1 Samuel chapter 3. We'll read the entire chapter as our custom. 1 Samuel 3, beginning with verse number 1.
And the child Samuel ministered unto the Lord before Eli. And the word of the Lord was precious in those days.
There was no open vision. And it came to pass at that time when Eli was laid down in his place and his eyes began to wax dim that he could not see.
And ere the lamp of God went out in the temple of the Lord where the ark of God was and Samuel was laid down to sleep.
And the Lord called Samuel and he answered, Here am I. And he ran into Eli and said, Here am I, for thou callest me.
And he said, I called not, lie down again. And he went and laid down. And the Lord called yet again, Samuel.
And Samuel arose and went to Eli and said, Here am I, for thou didst call me. And he answered, I called not, my son, lie down again.
Now Samuel did not yet know the Lord. Neither was the word of the Lord yet revealed unto him.
And the Lord called Samuel again the third time. And he arose and went to Eli and said, Here am I, for thou didst call me.
And Eli perceived that the Lord had called the child. Therefore Eli said unto Samuel, Go, lie down, and it shall be, it be called thee, that thou shalt say, Speak, Lord, for thy servant heareth.
So Samuel went and lay down in his place. And the Lord came and stood and called us at other times, Samuel, Samuel. Then Samuel answered, Speak, for thy servant heareth.
And the Lord said to Samuel, Behold, I will do a thing in Israel, in which both the ears of everyone that heareth it shall tingle.
In that day I will perform against Eli all things which I have spoken concerning his house. When I begin, I will also make an end.
For I have told him that I will judge his house forever for the iniquity which he knoweth, because his sons made themselves vile, and he restrained them not.
And therefore I have sworn unto the house of Eli that the iniquity of Eli's house shall not be purged with sacrifice nor offering forever.
And Samuel lay until the morning and opened the doors of the house of the Lord. And Samuel feared to show Eli the vision.
Then Eli called Samuel, and said, Samuel, my son, and he answered, Here am I. And he said, What is the thing that the Lord had said unto thee?
I pray thee, hide it not from me. God do so to thee, and more also, if thou hide anything from me of all the things that he said unto thee.
And Samuel told him every wit, and hid nothing from him. And he said, It is the Lord, let him do what seemeth him good.
And Samuel grew, and the Lord was with him, and did let none of his words fall to the ground.
And all Israel, from Dan even to Beersheba, knew that Samuel was established to be a prophet of the Lord.
And the Lord appeared again in Shiloh, for the Lord revealed himself to Samuel in Shiloh by the word of the Lord.
Let's pray. Heavenly Father, thank you for this evening. God, I thank you for your word and for our church.
As you please meet with us tonight, give us all a tender heart to the message.
And as to be their pastor, please strengthen him, and fill him with your spirit. We love you. In Jesus' name we pray. Amen.
Amen. All right. Over there in 1 Samuel chapter number 3.
And tonight, of course, I announced this morning that I'm preaching a sermon.
And it is a parenting sermon geared towards parents on the subject of balancing boundaries and bonding.
Balancing boundaries and bonding. And, of course, this is in the context of children.
And if you have children in your home, then this is a sermon that's for you, and it's important.
But let me just say this. Even if you don't have children, of course, if you don't have children,
but maybe the Lord will bless you with children in the future, then this is something you should learn now.
So you're ready for it. And if your children are grown and out of the house, then good for you.
You've won the lottery. God bless you. And maybe you have grandchildren, though, that you can invest in.
And that's good as well. And I'll say this. I'm going to be preaching this sermon in the context of parenting,
but these principles can also apply to other relationships. And that's true of most things that are preached.
This morning I preached a sermon about the church and volunteering in the church,
but after service somebody was telling me how those same principles could apply to the home.
And the sermon on the church could apply to the home. We'll all say this,
that the sermon tonight on the home could apply in different areas as well.
So we should always be open to when the Word of God is preached, of course.
But I want to talk about this subject of balancing boundaries and bonding. Balancing boundaries and bonding.
And to begin, just for sake of clarity, I want to begin by defining some terms for you.
And I'm going to give you some definitions just so you're aware so we're all on the same page
and we understand what we're talking about. When I'm talking about boundaries, when I'm talking about bonding,
when I'm talking about balance, what do we mean by that?
So let me begin by defining the term boundaries or the word boundaries.
And I'm defining boundaries as this, a limit that separates and stops, and in the context of this sermon,
a child from crossing the line from acceptable behavior to unacceptable behavior.
So when we're talking about boundaries and setting boundaries for our children,
what we're talking about is setting limits that both separate what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior,
but also that stop our children from crossing from acceptable to unacceptable behavior.
That's what we mean for the purpose of this sermon when we're talking about the word boundaries.
When we're talking about bonding, here's the definition, and it is the formation of a close relationship.
And again, for the context of this sermon, as between a parent and a child, especially through frequent or constant association.
So the formation of a close relationship, especially through the frequent or constant association.
So boundaries, we're talking about setting limits that separate acceptable from unacceptable behavior
and stop a child from crossing into unacceptable behavior.
Bonding, we're talking about forming close relationships by spending time together through frequent or constant association.
And then let me just define this word for you, balance, because we're talking about balancing both boundaries and bonding.
Balance is a state, here's the definition for you or the definition for this sermon,
a state where opposing forces are equal or where different things occur in equal amounts to bring into harmony or proportion.
So when we're talking about balance, we're talking about opposing forces.
And again, for the purposes of this sermon, we're talking about boundaries and bonding,
and those are kind of the opposing forces that we want to balance out.
A state where opposing forces are equal or where different things occur in equal amounts to bring into harmony or proportion.
Alright, so those are all the definitions, hopefully we all understand, you're ready for the test now?
And you can answer these questions, what are we talking about? We're talking about boundaries and bonding and balance.
And we're going to talk about what the Bible teaches about balancing these things.
Now just one more thing, just by way of introduction, and then we're going to get into three thoughts on balancing boundaries and bonding.
Alright, three thoughts on balancing boundaries and bonding.
This is going to be a little bit of a riddle to be able to get out every single time.
I'm going to be, of course, preaching the word of God.
We're going to look at a lot of scripture tonight, but I also am going to be referencing a secular book,
and I'm going to be reading to you excerpts from this book, and I'm just going to go ahead and tell you about the book right now.
This is a book that we own, and it's called If I Had a Parenting Do-Over.
If I had a parenting do-over, seven vital changes I'd make.
This is a book that my wife has read a couple of times, and I don't know, I think she bought it maybe four years ago, read it four years ago.
And then I recently read it, I think a year and a half ago, when we were on our way to London actually, I read it on the plane.
And we both liked this book, and this book has a lot of good stuff in it, and kind of the gist of it is this guy did a survey,
I don't know how many parents, I should have looked into it, maybe a thousand parents, I can't remember.
He did a survey of people who had raised their children already.
Their kids were grown out of the house, what we might call empty nesters.
And he did a survey, and he asked them about their biggest regrets, the things they, looking back,
because we know hindsight is 20-20, looking back, what do they regret?
What do they wish they could have done differently?
If they could go back and do something different, what would they have done?
And then he compiled all that, and he created this book, and there's other stuff in here, he does other types of work as well.
But he gives seven vital regrets that most parents said they had in the survey.
We found it very enlightening, I thought it was a good book.
Let me just go ahead and give the big disclaimer.
If you go out and buy this book and read it, big disclaimer, read it with a grain of salt.
We do not agree with everything in this book.
We agree with everything in this book, but we don't necessarily agree with everything.
It's good to read secular books, they help us, but just, you know, somebody's going to go read it and find something in it that we don't agree with.
And just disclaimer, obviously, use some wisdom, and the Word of God always trumps any other book you read.
But it's good to read other books, and sometimes it helps us get some insight.
So I'm going to be reading some excerpts from this book.
In fact, let me just go ahead and read one excerpt real quick.
And this is from the book, if I had a parenting do-over.
He said this, bonding and boundaries.
Because of the seven things that he talked about, one of the things was this idea of balancing bonding and boundaries.
I'm only going to talk about that tonight.
Maybe in the future I'll bring up other things from the book as well.
Here's what the book says.
Bonding and boundaries at times, these two important parenting practices seem almost at odds with each other.
Both are essential, and most parents tend to gravitate toward one or the other.
And that's the truth.
We tend to either gravitate towards maybe boundaries, gravitate towards maybe bonding.
But this is something that we need to learn to balance in our homes.
All right, so that's enough introduction.
Let me get into this as quickly as we can tonight.
Three thoughts regarding balancing boundaries and bondings.
And let's begin with this.
Number one, the need for boundaries.
The need for boundaries.
Our children need us to establish boundaries in our home and in their lives.
Parents must restraint.
We're talking about boundaries.
What are we talking about?
We're talking about the fact that parents must restrain their children from doing wrong.
Now obviously, you're not God.
I'm not God.
You're not going to be able to keep your kids from doing every bad thing.
We understand that.
But in general, one of our jobs as parents is to set boundaries, set limits to restrain our children from doing wrong.
Now we're there in 1 Samuel chapter 3.
I'd like you to look down at verse number 11.
I think this is a passage of scripture, a story that highlights this idea of 1 Samuel chapter 3 and verse 11.
The Bible says this,
And the Lord said to Samuel,
Of course God is speaking to Samuel, and Samuel is actually just a child at this time.
And God is speaking to him about the judgment that he's going to bring upon the household of Eli.
1 Samuel 3, 11
And the Lord said to Samuel,
Behold, I will do a thing in Israel, at which both the ears of everyone that hear it shall tingle.
In that day I will perform against Eli.
Now Eli is actually Samuel's God-given authority at this time.
And I'm not going to get into the story.
I'm sure you're familiar with it.
Hannah could not have a child.
She promised to give, if God gave her a child, to give the child back to the Lord.
God gave her Samuel, and she gave Samuel to Eli, to the house of the Lord, to serve the Lord.
So this is Eli is Samuel's authority.
It's not his physical father, but it's his God-given authority.
And here in verse 12 it says,
In that day I will perform against Eli all things which I have spoken concerning his house.
So this is a judgment that is coming upon the house of Eli.
This has to do with his family.
This has to do with his family matter.
Notice it.
When I begin, I will also make an end.
Look at verse 13.
For I have told him.
So this is God talking to Samuel about Eli.
He said, I'm going to bring judgment concerning his house.
For I have told him that I will judge his house forever for the iniquity.
And I just want you to notice this little phrase here.
In fact, if you're a parent, maybe you ought to mark this little phrase.
He says, which he knoweth.
Which he knoweth.
And the problem that God had with Eli was not that Eli's kids were involved in sin that Eli wasn't aware of.
The problem that God had with Eli is that Eli's kids were involved in sin that Eli was aware of.
And yet he wasn't doing anything about it.
And I think all of us parents should know that when a parent has knowledge of a child being involved in sin,
and does nothing, that God will hold that parent responsible.
Now you're not responsible for everything your children do.
Of course.
We want to try to set limits to keep them from having regrets in life themselves.
But when we become aware of things, then we need to deal with it.
He says, I will judge his house forever for the iniquity which he knoweth.
And then notice what he says there, last part of verse 13.
Because his sons made themselves vile.
And here's really the problem that God had with Eli.
He said he knew about it.
He said his sons made themselves vile.
And then he said this.
He says, and he restrained them not.
He said the problem that God had with Eli, and the problem that God had with Eli's parenting,
is that he did not restrain his children, though he had knowledge of their sin.
And of course, Eli is the spiritual authority and is the authority of the lives of his children.
Now just for sake of clarity and just so you understand.
In the story, we're talking about Eli's sons who are adults.
Generally speaking, parents are not responsible for the things that their adult children do.
In this case, Eli was still responsible for the things that his adult children did,
because of the fact that they were priests.
And Eli was a priest.
They were under his employment.
They were his responsibility.
But I want you to notice that God, though it's a priestly issue,
God deals with it concerning his house, concerning his home.
He says this is a family matter, and God says this, last part of verse 13.
He restrained them not.
So parents, what we must learn is that there is a need for boundaries.
There is a need to have limits.
We as parents should not have homes where our children come and go and do as they please.
There's no accountability.
There's no checking in on them.
There's no making sure.
They're just kind of free to do whatever.
Now, the Bible expects that parents would set limits and boundaries for their children,
because mom and dad, one of your jobs is to restrain your children from doing wrong.
One of your jobs is to try to keep them from engaging in sin, being exposed to sin,
and doing things that could cause them much hurt and much regret.
Here God says the failure that Eli had was that he failed to restrain them.
He restrained them not.
The word restrain means to prevent, to keep someone from doing something, to deprive them of the ability to do so.
And of course, we're talking about restraining people that are under your authority.
Your children living in your home, under your authority, that's what we're referring to.
We're not talking about your adult children or something like that.
You're there in 1 Samuel. Go to 2 Samuel chapter number 13, if you would.
2 Samuel chapter 13. You're in 1 Samuel, so just flip over to 2 Samuel chapter 13.
And then do me a favor, put a ribbon or a bookmark or something there in 2 Samuel 13,
because we're going to leave 2 Samuel and come back to it, and I want you to get to it quickly if you can.
We're talking about the need for boundaries.
Parents must restrain their children from doing wrong.
To the best of your ability, you need to have limits, you need to have accountability,
you need to have a culture in your home, you need to have rules in your home,
you need to have a system set in place so that your children are not just doing as they please,
coming as they go, doing whatever, doing who knows what.
Obviously, your kids are going to do things you don't know about.
All kids do, and you find out about it after the fact.
You say, what do I do then? Well, when you know about it, you should deal with it.
When you know about it, you should address it.
But our job as parents, while children are in our homes, is to have boundaries.
Parents must restrain their children from doing wrong.
Let me say this, in order for that to happen, parents must disallow their children to do things from time to time.
As a parent, your job is going to be, and let me just say this, remember we talked about how I'm talking to parents tonight,
but this applies to every area of leadership, or every area of life.
Let me just say this, any area of leadership, what makes you a leader primarily is saying no.
Anybody can say yes. That's why so many of you talk to the staff all the time and avoid me, right?
Because they're going to say, yeah, sure, yes.
Until a pastor finds out about it, and they're like, no, pastor said no, no.
We have this human tendency to want to be liked, and that's a good thing.
We all want to be liked.
But you know, what we need to realize is when God has given us authority,
one of the purposes of that authority is to disallow, to not allow, to stop the wrong things from happening,
and parents must restrain their children from doing wrong, and parents, in order to do that, must disallow their children from time to time.
Now, here's the thing.
What we're talking about is having a balance, and there are extremes to this.
Now, there are some parents who are just like, no, all the time, no matter what.
They're never trying to do anything for their kids. They're never trying to be nice to their kids at all.
That's obviously an extreme that we should not be on. We'll talk about that in point number two.
But right now we're on point number one, and let me just say this. There are some parents who never say no.
There are some parents who everything's, yeah, great, go for it, have fun, no problem.
Well, that's an extreme that you should not be on.
And one question, Mom and Dad, that you should probably ask yourself is this.
How often am I saying no?
How often am I disallowing? How often am I not setting limits?
And here's the thing. The answer to that question might be too much.
The answer to that question might be not enough.
But what we want is the answer to be a balance that says we're saying no when we need to say no.
We're saying yes as much as possible, yes to the things that we want to bless our children, and let them have fun, and all those things.
But we're also being watchful and not just allowing them to go and do things and hurt themselves or hurt others in the process.
So parents must disallow their children from time to time.
And here's what we need to learn, Mom and Dad, is that your job is not to be your children's friend.
Now, we want you to be friends with your kids.
And especially when they're grown adults, be friends with your kids. We want that.
That actually should be a goal you have in life, to develop such a relationship with your children that when they're no longer under your authority, they still like you and want to spend time with you.
We'll talk about that in point number two. That's a good thing.
But while they're in your home, under your authority, you need to understand that as much as possible, right, as much as life in you, to use a Biblical term, we want to try to be friends with our kids, but our primary responsibility is not to be their friend.
Our primary responsibility is to bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.
So therefore, sometimes we have to say no.
I want to give you a couple of examples of someone who failed to do this in the Bible.
In 2 Samuel chapter 13, we have this very famous story of Amnon. Remember Amnon? Amnon had a friend, famous phrase.
Amnon is the son of a very well-known character by the name of David.
Now David, King David, was a great man of God. The Bible tells us that David was a man up to God's own heart.
David did wonderful things for the Lord, wrote most of the book of Psalms, killed Goliath, did all sorts of things, but I think as you study Scripture, it's clear that David failed as a parent.
He failed with his children.
Now I want you to notice one thing, that his children in Scripture, now we know this is true because it's preserved for us in Scripture.
The Holy Spirit of God has preserved for us in Scripture, and one thing the Bible tells us that his children said is that David did not set limits or boundaries for his children.
Let me give you some examples. 2 Samuel 13, look at verse 10.
2 Samuel 13 and verse 10, the Bible says this,
And Amnon said unto Tamar,
I'm not going to go through the context of the story, hopefully you're familiar with it, but if you remember Amnon, Tamar is Amnon's step-sister.
He has a lustful desire towards her, and due to having a very bad friend that influenced him in a bad way, he is now going to attempt to act upon these desires.
2 Samuel 13 verse 10, the Bible says,
And Amnon said unto Tamar, Bring the meat into the chamber, that I may eat at thine hand.
He's faking to be sick so that he can get Tamar in his home.
Once she's there, he's asking her to come into his bedchamber to bring food, and Tamar took the cakes which she had made and brought them into the chamber to Amnon, her brother.
Verse 11, And when she brought them unto him to eat, he took hold of her, and said unto her, Come lie with me, my sister.
Very wicked.
Now notice verse 12,
And she answered him, Nay, my brother, do not force me. For no such thing ought to be done in Israel, do not thou this folly.
And I, whither shall I cause my shame to go? And as for thee, thou shalt be as one of the fools in Israel.
Now therefore I pray thee.
Tamar here is being physically held by her step-brother who wants to defile her, and this is what Tamar says.
She says in verse 13,
And I, whither shall I cause my shame to go? And as for thee, thou shalt be as one of the fools in Israel.
Now therefore I pray thee.
Here's what she says, she says, Speak unto the king.
When she says speak unto the king, she's talking about their father David.
She says speak unto the king, and then notice what Tamar says about her own dad.
She says, For he will not withhold me from thee.
And what we learn here is that the children of David had this understanding of David.
David had this reputation that he never withheld anything from his children.
Here we're talking about a wicked relationship.
And she says, Just ask dad, he will not withhold me from thee.
Notice verse 14, Howbeit he, Amnon, would not hearken unto her voice,
but being stronger than she, forced her, and lay with her.
I think it's interesting in the story that Tamar in this issue, this problem of being taken advantage of
In an attempt to try to defend this, she says, You know dad will not withhold me from thee.
And what we learn is this, that David had a reputation of not saying no.
Of not disallowing. Of not stopping things.
And this is something that, look, if your kids think mom will never say no, dad will never say no,
they let me get away with everything, that's not a good thing.
Parents need to set boundaries. They need to restrain. They need to disallow.
Let me give you another example. You say, That's not fair, that's Amnon, that's...
Okay, let me give you another example. 1 Kings chapter 1.
You might say, That's Tamar, how do we know she's telling the truth?
Okay, no problem. Let me give you another example. 1 Kings chapter 1.
You're there, keep your place in 2 Samuel. We're going to come back to it.
But after 2 Samuel you have 1 Kings. 1 Kings chapter 1, look at verse 5.
1 Kings chapter 1 and verse 5. 1 Kings 1, 5 says this,
Then Adonijah, if you remember, Adonijah is one of David's sons also.
Of course we're fast forwarding in time. This is towards the end of David's life.
David is ready to die. He hasn't yet selected a king, we know to replace him.
We know eventually he'll choose Solomon. But here we have his son, Adonijah, the Bible says,
Then Adonijah, the son of Hagith, exalted himself. That's never a good thing.
When you're exhausting yourself, that's never a good thing.
The best way to have God bring you down is for you to lift yourself up.
The Bible says here, Then Adonijah, the son of Hagith, exalted himself, saying,
I will be king. And he prepared him chariots and horsemen and fifty men to run before him.
Now understand this, no one has told him he's going to be king.
No one has told, in fact God has already said Solomon is supposed to be king.
But Adonijah is trying to take advantage of the fact that David, his father, is old now and he's not in a position he thinks to do anything.
So he's just going to take the kingdom. He's just going to declare himself king.
Adonijah, the son of Hagith, exalted himself saying, I will be king.
And he prepared him chariots and horsemen and fifty men to run before him.
Look at verse 6. Now I want you to understand something about verse 6.
Verse 6 is not Adonijah speaking.
Verse 6 is not David speaking.
In fact verse 6 is not anybody speaking.
Verse 6 is what we would call the narrator speaking.
Now the narrator is whoever the human instrument was to write the books of 1 and 2 Kings.
Now we actually don't know who wrote these books or penned these books as far as a human being knows.
We don't know who it is.
But here's what we do know.
The human being was being used by the Holy Spirit.
Because holy men of God speak as they were moved by the Holy Ghost.
So here's what we know.
The narrator, though we don't know who the human instrument was, we know the narrator is the Holy Spirit.
So what the Holy Spirit says is true.
And here's what the narrator of this story tells us.
1 Kings 1, 6.
And his father had not displeased him at any time in saying, why has thou done so?
That's very interesting.
Why did Adonijah grow up to be this proud, arrogant punk who decides to go against the will of God
and go against what God desires and to exalt himself and to take the kingdom and to put himself in a position.
Why?
Here's what the Bible tells us.
Because his father had not displeased him at any time.
His entire childhood.
The whole time that Adonijah had grown up.
He never had his dad David say no.
No, you're not going to do that.
No, that's not okay.
That's not acceptable.
That's not something that you should be doing.
His father, the Bible tells us, had never displeased him at any time in saying, not only not saying no,
his father had never even questioned him.
Why has thou done so?
And he also was very goodly banned.
And his mother bare him after.
Make note of this.
Adonijah was brother to Absalom.
And Absalom was of course the son who at this point is dead who brought a civil war against his father to try to take his kingdom.
But I want you to notice that the Bible gives us these hints about David.
And again, I'm not attacking David.
David is a great man of God.
David is a man after God's own heart.
David was used mightily of the Lord.
But when it came to parenting, David failed, the Bible tells us,
because Tamar said, he will not withhold me from thee.
We're talking about an inappropriate relationship with her step-brother.
The Bible tells us that Adonijah exalted himself because his father had not displeased him at any time in saying,
why has thou done so?
And here's the question I have for you, mom.
And here's the question I have for you, dad.
How often are you displeasing your children?
By saying, no.
No, I don't think so.
That's not good.
That's not a good thing.
See, there is a need for boundaries.
Parents must restrain their children from doing wrong.
And parents must disallow their children from doing wrong from time to time.
These are things that we need to know.
And these are things that we need to learn.
Now if you would go with me to the book of Job, Job chapter 29.
We're there in 1 Kings.
If you go past 2 Kings, 1 and 2 Chronicles, Ezra, Nehemiah, Esther and Job.
1 and 2 Kings, 1 and 2 Chronicles, Ezra, Nehemiah, Esther and Job.
Keep your place in 2 Samuel.
We're going to come back to it.
And then when you get to Job, do me a favor and keep your place there as well.
Because we're going to go back to 2 Samuel.
We're going to go back to Job.
I'd like you to find it quickly.
While you turn there, let me just give you some thoughts on boundaries and bonding.
When it comes to boundaries.
Without boundaries, your kids will not respect you.
That's what it comes down to.
David's children did not respect him.
His father had not displeased him at any time.
He had never said no to them.
He had never set limits on them.
He had never set boundaries on them.
So look mom and dad.
Our job, it's important that we set.
By the way, let me just say this.
Without boundaries, you're not going to be respected by those who you have leadership over.
So as parents, our job is to set boundaries.
Set limits.
Not to be mean.
Not to try to just keep our kids from having any fun.
Not for any of that.
Just to protect them.
Just to make sure that they're not.
And look, mom and dad, you need to ask yourself this question.
I mean, let's just get real practical.
You say, limits, boundaries.
Okay, what do you allow your children to be exposed to?
What do you allow your children to participate in, to be a part in, the friends, the influences that could come in their lives?
And you should take age into consideration.
You know, there are some things that may be appropriate to allow older children to do that is maybe not as appropriate to allow younger children to do.
You might wake up one day and say, oh man, I wish I wouldn't have let my kids do that or participate in that thing or be involved in that.
And now they've got this influence and that influence and now their hearts have been drawn away.
But mom, your job, dad, your job was to set limits and protect them.
Make sure that their hearts were being guarded for the cause of Christ to be raised up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.
So there is a need for boundaries.
We need to set limits and boundaries for our children to make sure they're protected.
The need for boundaries.
But now let's talk about the other side.
The need for bonding.
Now I already gave you this definition but let me just remind you of it.
We're defining bonding as the formation of close relationships.
And in this context we're talking about between parents and children.
Especially through frequent and constant association.
There is a need for boundaries. We've talked about that.
But let's talk about the other need and the other need is for bonding.
Now let me just read to you from this book if I had a parenting do-over.
Here's what the author said. He said,
The number one parenting practice moms and dads shared with me where they experienced the most regret was in the area of bonding.
I wish I would have spent more time with my kids.
It's the number one area where parents wish they could have a do-over.
These are parents who their children are grown and out of the house.
And the number one thing. Number one thing.
When parents who have raised their children are out of the house.
And we're talking about from different sectors, different parts of the country.
The number one thing that parents consistently said was I wish I would have spent more time with my kids.
So there's a need for bonding. A need for bonding.
Let me just give you a couple thoughts in regards to bonding.
If you're there in Job I'd like you to find chapter 29 and look down at verse number 1.
Job 29. Keep your place in 2 Samuel. We're going to come back to it.
And also keep your place in Job. We're going to leave it and come back to it.
I've always liked this portion of scripture. I've brought it up to you many times but I think it's good for us to see it.
This is Job of course in the midst of his trial.
We know that he's lost his children at this time. They've died.
And here's what Job says in Job 29 and verse 1.
By the way, Job was a great father.
If you remember in chapter 1 God highlights the fact that Job would get up early every morning and pray and sacrifice for his children.
And I think that's something that all of us parents should try to do.
Get up and pray and intercede on behalf of our children.
In Job 29 and verse 1 the Bible says this,
Moreover, Job continued his parable and said,
O that I were as in months past.
He's reminiscing about how things used to be.
He says, O that I were as in months past.
As in the days when God preserved me.
Remember we learned in Psalm 16, preserve me O God.
He said, as in the days when God preserved me.
When his candle shined upon my head.
And when by his light I walked through darkness.
As I was in the days of my youth.
When the secret of God was upon my tabernacle.
He's reminiscing about the good old days.
And for Job here those were good old days.
He said, O that I wish I could go back as it was in months past.
As in the days when God preserved me.
He's talking about how things used to be.
Verse 4, he says, as I was in the days of my youth.
When the secret of God was upon my tabernacle.
Verse 5, he says, when the Almighty was yet with me.
At this point he feels like God is no longer with him.
God is no longer favoring him.
God is no longer blessing him.
He says, when the Almighty was yet with me.
But I want you to notice this.
And you parents, maybe you ought to mark this in your Bible.
He says, when my children were about me.
When my children were about me.
I think that's a sobering thought.
That word about.
It's a word we don't use a lot today.
It means to surround.
It means to circle around.
For those of us that were in the military we might remember this command.
About face.
And of course that's a command to turn around.
And Job is reminiscing of the time he had with his children.
And here's what he's reminiscing.
If Job would have been interviewed in a book and asked,
what are your regrets now that your children are gone?
Now that you're no longer having them with you.
What is something you miss?
What are the biggest regrets that you had with your children?
I think Job would have said.
I mean, he told us.
He said, you know what I miss?
I miss the times when my children were about me.
When they were around me.
When they surrounded me.
See, the truth is this.
And let me just say this clearly.
There is a need for bonding.
And mom and dad listen to me.
I understand.
Trust me.
I get it.
My wife and I are leading a ministry.
We have six children all still in the home.
We are not in any way, shape, or form pretending that we've succeeded or we've won.
Our kids are still growing and we're doing the best we can by God's grace.
And I understand that life gets busy.
And I understand that life gets difficult.
Look, sometimes I feel like all my wife and I are doing is treading water.
And trying to keep our heads above water, honestly.
Somebody asked me, you know, what's it like to have six kids?
And I said, you know what it's like to have six kids?
It's to feel like you're trying to keep your head above water and somebody throws you a child.
That's what it feels like.
It can be difficult.
Life can get busy.
But I think it's important for us to understand this.
And mom and dad, I think you need to get this.
And we all need to get this.
And it is this.
Don't allow your busyness to ruin your bonding.
Do not allow the busyness of life.
Do not allow the rat race and all the things that need to be done and all those tasks.
Do not allow your busyness to ruin your bonding.
Because when people look back, when their children are gone,
the number one thing that people say and Job himself says here, you know what I miss?
I miss when my children were about me.
Proper parenting requires having your kids around you.
Let's just be honest.
In the frustration of raising children, it's a common thing for moms and dads to get so frustrated to act like your kids are a burden.
They're a bother.
Why are you bothering me right now?
Leave me alone. I've got things to do. I've got other things.
But please understand, do not allow your busyness to ruin your bonding.
We need to spend time with our kids.
Proper parenting requires spending time with kids.
You don't have to turn here. You stay there in Job.
Let me read to you from Deuteronomy 6 and verse 6.
These are famous verses in regards to parenting in the Christian home.
And here's what God says in Deuteronomy 6.
And these words which I command thee this day shall be in thine heart and thou shalt teach them diligently unto thy children and shall talk of them.
I just want you to listen to this. Notice the emphasis on time.
Thou shalt teach them diligently these words which I command thee this day shall be in thine heart and thou shalt teach them diligently unto thy children and shall talk of them.
This is communication. This is spending time.
Notice when. When are we going to do this?
When are we going to talk to our children? When are we going to teach them the word of God? When are we going to invest into their lives?
Here's what the Bible says.
When thou sittest in thine house.
How often, parents, do you sit in your home and just talk?
With your children.
With no screen in front of you.
With no entertainment in front of you.
When thou sittest in thine house and notice the emphasis on time.
When? When? When will we do this?
When thou sittest in thine house. When thou walkest by the way.
When? When will we do this?
When thou lies down.
When? When will we do this? When thou rises up.
And the emphasis in the Bible is this, that we as parents must spend time with our families and with our kids.
Don't allow your busyness to ruin your bonding.
And I think it's important, and I don't know if you've noticed, but I've spent the last few weeks on Sunday nights kind of dealing, preaching with the family and I intend to do it for a long time.
Maybe, maybe forever.
Because one thing I've learned is this, that the strength of a church is its families.
We need strong families.
And one thing that I think parents need to get in their heads is this, when you have kids, your kids are your thing.
They're your thing.
You say, I've got this hobby. No, no, no. When you have kids, you know what your hobby is? It's your kids.
They're your hobby. I've got this pastime. No, no. When you have kids, your kids are your pastime.
I've got this thing that I love and this activity that I... No, no, no.
When you have kids, your kids should be your thing.
You say, well, I don't have kids. Well, then do whatever. God bless you.
You know, or my kids are growing out of the house, then do whatever.
Honestly, and I don't mean that in any sort of way, I'm telling you, God bless you. You've done it. You got there. You got the award.
You can enjoy grandchildren, love them, spoil them, send them back home, and do whatever you want.
God bless you. I really do mean that.
But when you have children in the home, those children need to be your priority.
When you have kids, your kids should become your thing. You say, what's your thing? What's your thing, pastor? What's your thing?
I've got six things. They're my kids. I've got a wife and children. That's my thing.
Now, please don't misunderstand what I'm saying to you. I'm not saying you cannot have hobbies. I'm not saying that, honestly.
I'm not saying that you cannot have other activities. I'm not saying that. I really am not.
But I am saying this. When you begin to feel like your kids are getting in the way of your hobbies,
when you begin to feel like your kids are getting in the way of your activities,
when you begin to feel like your kids are getting in the way of your other social things you'd like to do,
you don't understand that the reality is that those hobbies and those activities and those things are getting in the way of your parenting of those kids.
Your priority must be your children. You say, what's your thing? Do other things
as long as you can prioritize your children when your children are about
you. I'm not saying don't have hobbies. I'm not saying don't have activities. I'm
not saying do any of those things. What I am saying is when any of those things
begin to get you start feeling like all these kids are just kind of in the way
of this other thing I really want to do. No, no, no. You don't have it straight. The
other thing that you really want to do ought to be your kids. And when something
feels like it's getting in the way of your parenting, the truth is this. When
you feel like your kids are getting in the way of the other thing, the
truth is that that other thing is getting the way of your parenting. Now
let me just give you an example because I think sometimes you preach these
things and say these things and people are just kind of like, once it's gonna be
over. But let me give you an example and this is just an example to really bring
it to physical fleshly application. But honestly don't get hung up too much on
this example because this can apply, we can apply this in a hundred different
ways. Let me just give you a thought. Consider the guy. Consider the guy who
wants to work out and exercise and I think working out and exercising and all
those things, I think those are good things. I think it's good thing for men
to do and to be fit, to be strong. But consider the guy who sets up some
exercising thing in his garage, sets up some gym in a spare room somewhere and
gets up early in the morning before work, before his wife and children maybe are
even awake and exercises, works out, good, praise the Lord for it. But doesn't allow
it to cut into his family time. Gets up early, exercises, does it in some spare
bedroom, some garage somewhere, goes off to work, works all day like he should,
comes home, spend time with his wife, spend time with his kids and does these
things. Consider that guy versus the guy who gets up and goes to work and then
comes home, has a quick dinner and then heads to the gym for a few hours. Away
from his wife, away from his children with a bunch of immodesty dressed women
I might add. You say, are you against working out? I'm not against working out
and these two examples, both guys are getting the same benefits. They're both
accomplishing the same benefits. But let me tell you something, one is going to
have an effect on his family and the other one's not. And what I'm saying to
you, are you against exercising? I'm not against exercising. I am telling you
where there's a will, there's a way and whatever hobby you want to do, whatever
thing you want to get into, whatever it is you want to do, do it! But not at the
expense of your family. It'll hurt your family. And again, we can apply that in
all sorts of different things. Or how about this, some couples do this, I think
this is great, I'm just trying to help some of you husbands out. You know, you
say, well I set aside some time to exercise and work out, great. And then
you set some time aside for your wife to then exercise and work
out or do whatever it is that she wants. That's good. I think that's a good thing.
When your wife feels like she's constantly getting the short end of the
stick, you understand what I'm saying? I'm trying to help you here. You say, well I
can do whatever I want, I'm a man of the house. Sure, but the number one regret
people have, even on their deathbeds, that studies have been, have shown, on their
deathbeds people don't say, can you give me my laptop? I just need to check my
work email one last time. You know what they say? They say, I want my kids around
me. I want my spouse around me. I want my family around me. And please don't
misunderstand what I'm saying to you. Please do not misunderstand. Don't walk out of
here and say, pastor says we should exercise. I didn't say that. Pastor says we can't have
hobbies. I didn't say that. What I am saying is that your children need to be
your priority, your family needs to be your priority. And you can do all
those other things and work it out so you can do it. Do it with your family. Do
it, you know, figure it out with your spouse and have a time for you to do it.
Have a time for them to do it. All those things. I'm not, you, you figure it out.
You're smart. You can do it. What I'm telling you is this. Don't allow the
busyness of life to ruin bonding. Here's what the book, if I had a parenting
do-over, here's what they said. They said, say yes to any opportunity to connect
with your kids. Does this mean we need to drop everything every time a toddler
wants us to play Legos? No. If we said yes to toddlers every time, we'd never get
anything done. But by the time your kids are tweens or teens, I'd go out on a limb
and say if they want to hang out with you, say yes every time. The book goes on to say
this. When I ask parents where this kind of meaningful dialogue occurs in their
home, the setting I hear more than any other is family dinner. In fact, in my
survey of what parents would do over, I kept hearing moms and dads say more
family dinners. More family dinners. I understand that people have different
schedules. We all, people, you, whatever, you have different schedules. You work it
out. But I will say this. Having time to eat with your family should be a
priority. It's good to spend time with your kids. My survey of what parents
would do over, I kept hearing moms and dads say more family dinners. So don't
allow your busyness to ruin your bonding. Let me give you another thought in
regards to bonding. If you would go to Ephesians chapter number six. Ephesians
chapter number six. Do it. I'm really into this. Do it. Be into it. Get into it. Be
the best you can, you can. Do it with your wife. Do it with your kids. If some hobby
requires you to leave your family for hours on end on a regular basis, you
need to get rid of the hobby. I'm just trying to help you. Your problem, you say
what's my thing? My thing, your thing ought to be your family. My wife and I
play tennis. You say why do you play tennis? You know, we exercise and
all that. We always tried to make that a priority. My wife more than me.
Remember when we got into tennis years ago, I told my wife I want to find
something and I told her this is what I want. I want something that will help us
with exercise and keep staying busy and that is fun because I just got to trick
myself into exercising because I just, you know, running for a hundred hours
is just not fun, you know, and then and I told her and I wanted to be something we
can do together. Together. You say pastor you want to come play tennis with me? No,
I really don't. No, nothing, nothing against you. I just don't, but I want to
play with her because to me it's not about the tennis, although it is the
tennis, but it's about spending time with the family that God has given you and
what I'm saying to you and again please don't misunderstand what I'm saying. What I'm
saying is you figure it out, figure out a way. You say well I really, then get up
early and do it where it doesn't affect your family. Where there's a will there's
a way, but don't allow the busyness of life. Don't allow the busyness of life to
ruin your bonding. Secondly, let me say this, don't allow your boundaries to ruin
your bonding. Don't allow your boundaries to ruin your bonding. You say what do you
mean by that? Well we talked about boundaries. Boundaries are needed. Limits,
saying no from time to time, but you know that sometimes parents can get on that
extreme of boundaries and they get so extreme on boundaries that it ruins our
bonding. We should not allow the busyness of life to ruin our bondings, but we
should also not allow boundaries to ruin our bonding. Are there any Ephesians 6?
Look at verse 4. Ephesians chapter 6 and verse 4 says this, and you fathers look
at it, provoke not your children to wrath. Now God tells fathers to set boundaries.
God was mad at Eli because he would not restrain his children. So God is not here
saying, fathers don't ever correct your kids, don't ever say no, don't ever
discipline them. He's not saying that, but what he is saying this, don't take that
to such an extreme that it ruins your bonding. And he fathers, provoke not your
children to wrath, but bring them up in the nurture. You know what the word nurture
means? It means to care for and encourage the growth and development of, but bring
them up in the nurture and admonition. You know what the word admonition means? It
means to give counsel or warning. Provoke not your children to wrath, but bring
them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. Go to Colossians if you would.
Colossians chapter number 3. Are there any Ephesians? You go past Philippians, into Colossians.
Colossians chapter number 3. Look at verse number 21. Colossians 3 21. Here's
what the Bible says, fathers provoke not your children to anger. You say why?
Here's why. Lest they be discouraged. Lest they be discouraged. We should not allow
our busyness to ruin our bonding and we should not allow our boundaries to ruin
our bonding. Now we're gonna be busy. I get that. Be busy, but work things out to
prioritize your family and our boundaries. We need boundaries. You need
boundaries. You can't raise your children without boundaries. You'll ruin your
children without boundaries, but do not allow your boundaries to ruin your
bonding. Here's what the parenting book said. It said if our kids see us as drill
sergeants, bonding will be hindered. Who wants to hang out with a parent who's
making their life miserable? Think about that. If our kids see us as drill
sergeants, bonding will be hindered. Who wants to hang out with a parent who is
making their life miserable? And I say to you, don't allow busyness to ruin your
bonding. Don't allow boundaries to ruin your bonding. You say, are you saying we
don't need boundaries? You absolutely need boundaries, but you need to balance
them to still have bonding. So here's thoughts on boundaries and bonding.
Without boundaries, your kids will not respect you. We learned that from David,
but let me say this as well. Without bonding, your kids will not like you.
Without bonding, your kids will not like you. Well, they listen to me. They might
listen to you. That doesn't mean they like you. And we need to balance these
two things, boundaries and bonding, boundaries and bonding. Let me give you a
third thought. I gotta rush this. Go over to Proverbs 29 if you would. If you kept
your place in Job, right after Job you have Psalms and the book of Proverbs.
Job, Psalms, Proverbs. I said number one, there's a need for boundaries. I said
number two, there's a need for bonding. Number three, there's a need for
balancing both boundaries and bonding. There's a need for balancing these two
things. I want you to just notice this verse. I think it's interesting. I know
it's a well-known verse. You've read it before, but I just want you to see it.
Proverbs 29, 15. The rod, that is a reference to what we would call spankings,
the rod and reproof. The word reproof means to give an expression of
disapproval. This is all talking about discipline, and it falls under the
category of boundaries. Rod and reproof is a way we give boundaries to children.
Here's what the Bible says. The rod and reproof give wisdom, but then I
want you to notice, because it almost seems like, what does this have to do
with that? You ever asked yourself that? You read a verse and then
something else, especially in Proverbs. He says the rod and reproof give wisdom,
colon, then he says, but a child left himself bringing his mother to shame. Now
usually when I bring this verse up in a sermon, I'm focusing on either one or the
other. I'm either preaching about disciplining your children, and I'm
focusing on the rod and reproof give wisdom, or I'm talking about children
need time and attention, and we focus on the second, but a child left himself. What
I want to bring attention to this time, when we look at this verse, is the fact
that both are mentioned in the same verse. What does one have to do with the
other? And what one has to do with the other is that God is telling us to
balance both boundaries and bonding. He's saying, yes, the rod and reproof give
wisdom, yes, discipline your children, yes, correct your children, yes, have
boundaries and limits and restrain them and keep them from doing wrong, but make
sure you spend time with them as well, because a child left himself bringing
his mother to shame. And what he's telling us is this, give them boundaries,
but also give them bonding. Give them boundaries, but don't just give them
boundaries, balance them with bonding. Remember, balance is defined as a state
where opposing forces are equal, or where different things occur in equal amounts
to bring into harmony or proportion. So how do I harmonize my parenting? You give
them both boundaries and bonding, boundaries and bonding. Too many
boundaries and not enough bonding, you're gonna ruin them. They won't respect you. Too
much bonding and not enough bounding, you're gonna ruin them. They're not
gonna respect you. They're not going to like you. We need both. Now let me give
you an example of where I've seen these extremes over the years, and I really
over the years I've seen them in two different areas, because here's the thing,
the right approach is both. Both at the same time. Boundaries and bonding, both at
the same time. Here's what happens though, and we've been talking about it, some
parents focus on boundaries, no bonding. Other parents focus on bonding, yes to
everything, yes. Some parents are no to everything, some parents are yes to
everything. Both are not gonna do a good job. You need both. If you don't do
both, your kids will either not respect you, boundaries with your kids, too many,
without boundaries they will not respect you, without bonding they will not like
you. But here's the worst. The worst is this, when you go from one extreme to
the other extreme, where there's not a balance of constant daily balancing, but
you just go from one extreme part of their life to another extreme part of
their life. I've seen this so often in quote-unquote Christian homes. Let me
give you a couple of examples where I've seen this. One is when an unsafe parent
gets saved. And this is not a bad thing, I'm glad, we want unsafe parents to get
saved. But oftentimes, you know what happens when an unsafe parent gets
saved? Is they've been raising their kids for some time with no boundaries. Just a
whole lot of bonding. Sure watch whatever you want, sure go wherever you want, sure
spend time with whoever you want. Unfiltered access to the internet, no
problem. I mean just, they've been raising their kids with no boundaries, no
limits, no restraint. Then they get saved, they start getting discipled, they come
to a church like Verity Baptist Church, they start learning about the Word of
God, and they start realizing, oh that music's not good, those movies aren't
good, those things are not good. And then they just, and they spend most of their
life raising their kids with no boundaries, and then they go from no
boundaries to just full boundaries. They flip from one extreme to another. Here's
another example. When safe parents get backslidden. These are not the parents
that raised their kids in another same home for a while and then they got saved.
These are parents that grew up in church, they got married, they had kids, they
raised them right, they had all these boundaries, had all those boundaries, had
all these things, everything was great. And then mom gets backslidden. Then dad
has some midlife crisis and decides he needs to go focus on himself and be
selfish. And they get backslidden and then all of a sudden they were raising
their kids with all these boundaries and then they get rid of them and they just,
you know, throw them in the public school, let them do whatever. I'm here to tell you
whichever way you go, whether you go from a lot of boundaries to no boundaries or
a lot of boundaries to, or no boundaries to a lot of boundaries,
whichever extreme you go, when you jerk the wheel in the middle of your
parenting journey, not, the problem is not that your kids will not respect you, the
problem is not that your kids will not like you, the problem is when you jerk
the wheel and go from one extreme to the other, your kids will hate you. They will
grow up to hate you. You say prove it. Go back to 2 Samuel chapter 14. We already
saw in the life of David that he wasn't good with boundaries, remember that? Amnon
said, Tamar said to Amnon, speak to the king for he will not withhold me from
thee. Adonijah, we're told his father had not displeased him at any time saying
why has thou done so? We already saw from David that he was not good with
boundaries, not good with boundaries, but you know what we also see about David is
that he was also not good with bonding. In 2 Samuel 14 and verse 23, the
Bible says this, so Job arose and went to Geshur and brought Absalom to Jerusalem.
This is after Absalom has already killed his brother Amnon and he's been
sent away and David's heart goes towards him, he wants him to come back,
he brought Absalom to Jerusalem, verse 24, and the king said let him turn to his
own house and let him not see my face. So Absalom returned to his own house and
saw not the king's face. I want you to notice the last part of verse 24, saw not
the king's face. You know what that is? A lack of bonding. David did not spend time
with the son Absalom. Verse 28 tells us, and Absalom dwelt two full years in
Jerusalem, look at it, and saw not the king's face. So not only do we see that
David fails at boundaries, but we see that David also fails at bonding. He
doesn't want to see Absalom, doesn't want to talk to Absalom. It's too awkward,
there's too many things, too many difficult conversations to have, he'd
rather just ignore the whole thing, and he saw not the king's face, the Bible
tells us, he saw not the king's face for two full years. So here's what we learned
about David. He wasn't very good with boundaries, but he also wasn't very good
with bonding. He wasn't very good with either one. And how did the whole thing
end? Well look at 2 Samuel 16 verse 21, this last verse we'll look at, 2 Samuel
16 21. And Ahithophel said unto Absalom, this is after Absalom has brought a
rebellion against the kingdom of David, David has now left Jerusalem running
from his son Absalom. Ahithophel said unto Absalom, go in unto thy father's
concubines. Again that's a very wicked thing, the concubines of David are his
wives that happen to be slaves. And Ahithophel is telling Absalom, you go in
and have a physical relationship with your father's concubines, which he left
to keep the house. Why would Ahithophel tell Absalom to do that? And Absalom
does it. Here's why he says to do it. Look at verse 21, and all Israel shall
hear that thou art, look at this word, abhorred, abhorred of thy father. The word
abhorred means to regard with hatred, to regard with distress. And I'm here to
tell you, if you focus on boundaries without bonding, you're gonna have issues.
Your kids are not going to like you. If you focus on bonding without boundaries,
you're going to have issues. Your kids are not going to respect you. But if you
decide, well I spent most of their time bonding with no boundaries and now
because I just got saved recently, started listening to preaching online, I'm
gonna just jerk the wheel and we're gonna go straight into all sorts of
boundaries. Or if you do the other way, they grew up in a strict
Christian home and we've had boundaries for them their whole life but now I've
gone back to them, now we're getting divorced, now we're gonna let them do all
these things. In either case, if you jerk the wheel, in either case your kids will
grow up to hate you. So what do we do? Here's what you do, you wake up every day
and you balance this thing. Boundaries and bonding, boundaries and bonding. Not
one or the other, not one for a time and then the other for a time. Every day,
every day. You love them, you spend time with them but when needed you say no. My
primary responsibility is not to be your friend. I'm gonna protect you. The answer
is no. The answer would be yes as much as I can but the answer would be no when it
goes against the Word of God, when it goes against the rules of the home, when
it goes against us. We must balance these things, not on one extreme or the other
or flip the script but we must do it every day. Moms and dads who wake up
every day and to balance the balance of bonding and boundaries, bonding and
boundaries. Please don't answer this question out loud but I want you to ask
yourself, how are you doing with the balance? Maybe you tend to be more
boundaries and less bonding, maybe you tend to be more bonding and less
boundaries. Let's bring these things into balance so that we can raise these
children for the nurture and admonition of the Lord. Let's bow our heads and have a
word of prayer. Heavenly Father, we do love you. We thank you for your word. We thank you for the Bible. We thank you for these
principles and scripture and Lord the whole Christian life should be a life of
balance in all areas of life but when it comes to parenting, help us to balance
these two things, boundaries and bonding, boundaries and bonding. Help us to raise
our children for the glory of God. In the matchless name of the Lord Jesus Christ
we pray. Amen. Alright we're gonna have brother Andrew come up and lead us in a
final song. Just want to remind you of a couple of things. First of all of course
if you have not yet but want to sign up for a volunteer opportunity you can
still do that. You can fill out the form and we've got a box, a basket back there
for you to drop it off. I didn't see about the cookies. I think there was
enough for everybody this morning if there was any left over. I'm sure the
staff ate them all. So but anyway if we didn't get a cookie to you, we got some.
Maybe we can get one for you if you didn't get it. We want to encourage you
to be here on Wednesday night for the Wednesday evening Bible study Psalm 17.
If you want to read it ahead of time, study it, be ready to study it together.
That would be a great thing and if you wouldn't mind just look around your area
there and cleaning up or here better thing make your kids clean up their own
mess. That'd be good. A good boundary and if you want to bond with them, help them
but you know help them. It helps with the cleaners. If you don't mind helping us
with that, we appreciate it and we hope you know my wife and I hope you know we
love you. We're praying for you and again to all of you that are volunteering and
serving, we appreciate the work you put into the ministry and we pray that the
Lord highly recompenses you for your labor of love. If there's anything we do
for you, please let us know. We'll have Brother Andrew come up and lead us in a final
song. Amen. All right. We're gonna go ahead and take our hymnals and turn to
page 304, 304. We're gonna sing Nothing Between as we end the service this
evening. You guys have been singing really well this evening so let's keep
it going. On the first, 304, Nothing Between, on the first.
Nothing between my soul and the Savior, not of this world's deluse of dream.
I have renounced all sinful pleasure. Jesus is mine, there's nothing between.
Nothing between the soul and the Savior, so that his blessed face may be seen.
Nothing preventing the lust of his favor. Keep the way clear, there's nothing between.
Amen. On the second, Nothing Between, my poor holy pleasure.
Habits of life through wholeness they seem, monthly part from him.
Jesus is mine, there's nothing between.
Nothing between my soul and the Savior, so that his blessed face may be seen.
Nothing preventing the lust of his favor. Keep the way clear, there's nothing between.
I'm gonna ask the piano if we can just slow it down just a little bit. On the third, let's
just sing it just a little bit slower. On the third.
Nothing between, like pride or like station, self or friend, shall not intervene.
Though it may cost me much tribulation, I am resolved, there's nothing between.
Sing it out.
Nothing between my soul and the Savior, so that his blessed face may be seen.
Nothing preventing the lust of his favor. Keep the way clear, there's nothing between.
Amen. On the third, let's finish strong. On the fourth.
Nothing between and any trial.
All the world again we convene, watching with prayer and much self-denial.
All truth doth last with nothing between.
Nothing between my soul and the Savior, so that his blessed face may be seen.
Nothing preventing the lust of his favor. Keep the way clear, there's nothing between.
Amen. Great singing.
Well, thank you all so much for being here this evening.
As always, if you have any questions about salvation, baptism, or church membership,
the pastor will be at the door and he will be able to answer those questions for you
or direct you to somebody who is trained to do so.
I'm going to ask Brother Matt Barello, if you don't mind, to say a prayer.
Amen.