The title of my sermon this morning is thoughts on marriage.
Thoughts on marriage.
Today is my 17th wedding anniversary.
So I decided in honor of our wedding anniversary to preach about marriage.
And I'm sure that there are some people here that have been married longer than I have.
Who's been married longer than I have?
Put up your hand if you've been married longer than 17 years.
Okay, so lots of people.
Who's been married for shorter than I have?
Okay, see, so I have more experience than these people at least.
But anyway, I'm just going to preach about some of the things that I've learned and some
thoughts that I have.
Having been married for 17 years, obviously there are those who have been married longer
that know more, that have more experience.
But these are things that come from the Bible and the Bible's truths are timeless.
And over the last 17 years, I've definitely done some things right and I've definitely
done a lot of things wrong.
I wish that I would have known what I know now when I started out getting married.
And so hopefully I can give you some things that will help you in your marriage.
This is something that we all need to work on because a lot of marriages are failing.
And even marriages that stay together, a lot of them have a lot of problems because of
the sinful world that we live in and the bad influences of our society.
And so we constantly need a Christian perspective.
We need the Bible to constantly remind us how to do things right.
And also it's good to just get advice from people who have succeeded, people who've stayed
married and who have a good marriage, who have a happy marriage.
I thank God that I have a happy marriage.
My wife and I get along great.
We love each other.
It's had its ups and downs, but we honestly have an excellent marriage.
So the part that I want to start out in is verse number 18 there where the Bible reads,
wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands as it is fit in the Lord.
Love your wives and be not bitter against them.
I'm going to give you five thoughts this morning on marriage and thought number one is that
in order to have a good marriage, you have to get the fundamentals right.
Number one, get the fundamentals right.
If you look up all of the marriage passages in the New Testament, the famous passages
that come to mind, Colossians 3, Ephesians chapter 5, 1 Peter chapter 3, all of these
classic marriage passages, you'll notice that they all pretty much say the same thing
that the wife needs to obey her husband and that the husband needs to love his wife.
That's obviously fundamental.
When God wants to just say one thing to children, he tells them to obey their parents.
When he wants to say one thing to the wife, he tells the wife to submit to her own husband.
And when he wants to say one quick thing to the husband, he tells the husband to love
his wife.
These are the fundamentals.
These are the basics.
These are step one.
Without that foundation, you can't have a right marriage.
And Ephesians chapter 5 spans a lot more verses than Colossians 3 dealing with this subject.
It's 10 or 11 verses that cover the subject of marriage.
But at the very end of it, it sums it up in verse 33.
You don't have to turn there, but it says, nevertheless, let every one of you in particular
so love his wife, even as himself, and the wife see that she reverence her husband.
In 1 Peter chapter 3, it tells the wives to submit to and obey their husbands, even as
Sarah also, who obeyed Abraham, calling him Lord, whose daughters ye are as long as ye
do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.
It tells the husband to love the wife and to dwell with her according to knowledge.
Titus chapter 2 teaches the same thing.
Over and over again in the Bible, these points are hammered because these are the most basic
fundamental truths.
These are the most important things.
So if you only take one thing away from the sermon, make sure that, number one, you get
the fundamentals right.
You need to make sure, husbands, that you love your wives from the bottom of your heart,
not just going through the motions, but that you actually feel real love in your heart
for your wife and that you express that love to your wife.
That's what she needs you to do.
She needs you to show her love.
And wives, you need to respect, reverence, obey, obey, obey, obey, right, amen?
And submit yourselves under your own husbands as it is fit in the Lord.
Take this women's lib garbage and throw it in the trash, take the feminism and throw
it in the garbage where it belongs, and you follow the Bible.
So number one, we've got to get the fundamentals right.
Number two, we've got to realize that everyone is different.
And this is why the Bible tells us not to compare ourselves amongst ourselves, and that
if we compare ourselves amongst ourselves, we're not wise.
We need to realize that everyone is different.
Now, as I've studied marriage over the years, because I wanted to improve my marriage.
I wanted to do right in my marriage.
So I've scoured and scoured the Bible, as I'm sure many of you have, just trying to
figure out, what does God want me to do here?
How do I have a good marriage?
The world's showing me all the wrong examples.
What do I do, God?
How do I be a good husband?
You know, wives are probably doing the same thing, wondering, how can I be a good wife?
And I prayed and prayed and read and read and read.
And I'll be perfectly honest with you, sometimes I've been a little bit frustrated over the
years that God didn't give us a little bit clearer instructions in this area.
Just you know, humanly speaking, I'm not trying to be blasphemous, because obviously God's
word is perfect in every way.
But as a human being, sometimes we don't understand why God did the things that he
did.
And I look at these marriage passages in Ephesians 5 and Colossians 3 and 1 Peter, and I'm just
thinking to myself, you know, is there something I'm missing?
Is there something more?
Is there something underneath the surface here?
Is there something a little deeper here?
Because I wanted more information.
But we have to understand that God purposely did not give us a lot of detail about how
to have a right marriage, I believe, because of the fact that we're all different.
And if he told us exactly how to do it, that might work for some people, but not for others.
God made us all different.
But one thing that's the same for everybody is the fundamentals.
So that's why God just gives us a few basic fundamentals about how the husband is the
head of the wife, about how he needs to love her.
He needs to be willing to sacrifice himself for her.
He needs to love her as Christ loved the church, and how the wife needs to submit and respect
her husband.
He gives us these basic fundamentals that work for everybody, but he doesn't give us
a lot of detail beyond that because of the fact that we're all different.
And part of being married is a process of learning how to have a good marriage, learning
how to get along, learning what works and doesn't work for you, and it's not going
to be the same for everybody.
If it were the same for everybody, I think God would have given us more details and said,
hey, do this, do this, do this.
But different people are going to need different things.
Go to 1 Peter chapter 3, 1 Peter chapter 3.
So we should not compare ourselves amongst ourselves or look at other people's wives
or other people's husbands or look at other people's marriage and ask ourselves, well,
why can't our marriage be like that or why can't my wife be like that, why can't my husband
be like that.
We have the spouse that we have, we are the person that we are, we have the situation
that we have.
Number one, we need to get the fundamentals right, and then number two, we need to realize
that we're all different and we need to learn how to make things work in our marriage.
And the thing about that is that the longer that you're married, hopefully you're learning,
and hopefully your marriage should be getting better and better, not worse and worse, because
you should be learning, hey, these are things to stay away from, these are pitfalls, these
are things that cause a big fight, these are things that cause us to be happy and get along,
and you learn how to do that, and it's work and it takes effort, but it's what being married
is all about.
Look at 1 Peter chapter number three, the Bible says, likewise ye husbands, dwell with
them according to knowledge, giving honor unto the wife as unto the weaker vessel, and
as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers be not hindered.
So we need to dwell with our wives according to knowledge.
We need to get to know them, knowledge comes from the word know, we need to get to know
them and dwell with them according to that knowledge of understanding how they think,
what they need, what they want, so that we can learn to get along.
Now people are constantly getting divorced and remarried, they're constantly trading
up spouses, they never learn this, they never learn how to get along with that person, and
they have to keep starting over, keep starting over, starting over.
And that's a good way to get nowhere fast in life.
First of all, it's immoral and sinful, because the Lord God hateth putting away, he hates
divorce.
But secondly, it's also a way to just waste your life chasing after some unicorn, some
fairy tale, instead of fixing things with your spouse and learning to have a happy marriage
with the person that you're married to.
It's easy to just blame the other person and say, oh, I just married the wrong man or I
married the wrong woman, I'm just going to discard them and move on to someone else,
and then you start all over again, and then you're going to run into different problems
or maybe even the same problems, and then you're just in a cycle there and you're just
going to keep on making the same mistake.
No, no, we need to stay with the person that we made that vow to before God and learn how
to make things work with that person.
We need to get the fundamentals right, number one, and then number two, we need to realize
that everybody's different.
We can't necessarily copy the people around us.
We need to learn what works for us in our marriage.
And over the years, my wife and I have learned certain things that work for us, that help
us to get along, that help us to be happy, but I wouldn't necessarily impose those things
on other people, because other people probably would be unhappy with those types of arrangements
in their marriage, because it's just different for everybody, right?
So it's your job to figure out how to be married.
That's why God doesn't spell us out the details, okay?
Now if you would, flip over in your Bible to 1 Corinthians chapter 6.
First Corinthians chapter 6.
I mean, there are some things in my marriage that, you know, I think that other people
would just shake their head and couldn't believe that that's the way that we do things in my
marriage, but it's just, you know, that's just what works for us.
And you know, other people, I see the way that they live and I don't really understand
it, but the point is that everybody's different.
As long as we're all following the Word of God and as long as we all have the fundamentals,
God gives us a lot of freedom.
I mean, the first thing God did when He created mankind was He puts man in the Garden of Eden
and He tells him, of all the trees of the garden, thou mayest freely eat.
Then He brings a bunch of animals to him and says, Adam, you can name these animals whatever
you want and whatever you name them, that's going to be the name thereof.
And He gave Adam that freedom.
God wants us to make our own choices, to make our own decisions and as long as we stay within
the parameters of His Word, as long as we follow His Word, He doesn't want us to be
robots or automatons.
He lets us make our own decisions.
You know, one thing about my marriage that sometimes shocks or horrifies people is that
my wife and I sleep in separate bedrooms.
We sleep in separate beds, separate bedrooms, and you know what, some people are horrified
by that.
But here's the thing, we have nothing to prove.
We have a great marriage, we love each other, we're happy.
You know, we've got our tenth child on the way, so apparently we're in the same bed from
time to time.
The point is that, and I'm joking, but the point is that, you know, to sit there and
impose on other people like my wife and I just have to sleep in the same bedroom or
something just to please society.
Just because society tells us that that's what we have to do in 2017 America.
You know what, I don't care, that's what we do.
We're happier that way, we like that arrangement, that's the way we do it.
And we have nothing to prove to anyone.
We have a great marriage.
So you know, but I'm not saying that everybody should go home and be like, all right, you're
out of here.
You know, and look, some people, some people snore really bad or something, that's not
our issue, okay.
But you know, some people will snore really bad or something, but they're just like, well
we've got to sleep in the same bed or people are going to think that we have a bad marriage
or we're about to get divorced or something.
No, actually you can have a great marriage and you can sleep in the same bed, you can
sleep in separate beds.
You know, I was always told my whole life that on old TV shows they had the two separate
beds because they didn't want to offend people or something.
But actually it was just because back then a lot of people just slept in two separate
beds.
It was just pretty common back then.
That's actually the real reason.
But anyway, there's more than one way to skin a cat, folks.
So you know, you don't have to be exactly like other people.
You don't have to always give advice to other people that they have to be just like you.
You get the fundamentals right, number one.
Number two, you realize that everybody's different.
And this kind of leads into my next point here of my wife and I sleeping in separate
rooms.
But number three is this.
Be one flesh, but don't be one spirit.
Be one flesh with your wife, but don't be one spirit.
What do I mean by that?
Well, back in Genesis is the famous verse.
You're in 1 Corinthians 6, but back in Genesis is the famous verse that says, therefore shall
a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife, and they shall
be one flesh.
Right?
We all know that verse.
It's pretty famous.
In Matthew and Mark, Jesus said the same thing.
He said, for this cause shall man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife,
and they twain shall be one flesh.
Wherefore there are no more twain, but one flesh.
What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.
Right?
Genesis 5 says the same thing, for we're members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones.
For this cause shall man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife,
and they too shall be one flesh.
We've all heard that.
We all understand that, and we've seen those scriptures before.
They all say the same thing, that the two become one flesh, bone of bone, flesh of flesh,
and look at 1 Corinthians 6 now.
The Bible says in 1 Corinthians 6 15, know ye not that your bodies are the members of
Christ?
Shall I then take the members of Christ, and make them the members of an harlot?
God forbid.
What?
Know ye not that he which is joined to an harlot is one body?
For two, saith he, shall be one flesh.
So right here we see that the becoming one flesh has to do with a physical relationship
between husband and wife.
The husband and wife come together physically, and become one flesh.
That's what that's referring to, because in this case it's a bad example about someone
committing fornication before they're married.
But look at the next verse.
It says, for two, saith he, shall be one flesh at the end of verse 16.
Verse 17 says, but he that is joined unto the Lord is one spirit.
So we see that when we get married, two become one flesh, but in contrast to that, he that
is joined unto the Lord is one spirit.
You see, when my wife and I got married, we became one flesh, but we did not become one
spirit.
All right, yes, I'm preaching against oneness.
But anyway, you know, we didn't become one spirit, and you say, well, what are you talking
about?
What's the difference?
You see, part of having a good marriage, and part of being happy in your marriage is to
realize that you need to still be your own person.
Be your own person.
Be yourself.
Maintain your sense of self.
Yes, become one flesh, but don't become one spirit.
You've got to be your own person.
Stand on your own two feet.
Be your own human being.
See, marriage is not the only thing in our life.
Our life is not all about being married.
If you study the Bible, you'll read about all kinds of men and women of God, and you'll
read about all the things that they did and everything that they stood for and all the
works that they did, and you'll see that it doesn't often even tell us that they're married
or tell us about their marriage.
We know that all the apostles are married, but yet we don't really get a glimpse of their
home life, do we?
It doesn't really talk a lot about their wife or what their wife was like or what their
marriage was like or what their kids were like.
It focuses more on, you know, all the other things that were going on in their lives that
are relevant to the story.
And we do see mention of some people's wives, but sometimes when we're reading the Bible
and we read about someone's marriage, it almost catches us off guard.
Like you're reading Isaiah and you're reading about all this preaching, and then all of
a sudden it's like, whoa, Isaiah's married?
Right?
You're reading the Bible and all of a sudden Peter's wife's mother, and you're like, Peter's
wife's mother?
I thought he was the first pope or whatever, you know, but you're like, just kidding.
But you know, Peter's wife's mother, you realize, okay, wow, Peter is actually married.
And then Paul brings up the fact that only he and Barnabas are the only apostles who
weren't married.
Meaning that James is married, John's married, Andrew's married, Bartholomew's.
Why does it not talk a lot about their wife or their marriage?
I'll tell you why.
Because these people had more going on in their life than just their marriage.
They had other things to talk about, other things to do.
Now today, we live in a world where the radio and the TV is constantly telling us that the
greatest thing in life, the most important thing in life, what our whole life revolves
around, what everything is about, is about our romantic relationships.
Think about it.
I mean, if we were to turn on the radio right now, what's every song on the radio about?
Falling in love and him and her and they.
So you're constantly hearing about that all the time, always.
And it's not usually about people who've been married for 17 years.
It's usually about falling in love and dating and all that process.
Then you turn on the TV.
What are the TV shows about?
What are the movies about?
They're all about these love stories and falling in love and then at the end, they ride off
into the sunset and they're happy.
Yeah, they're happy because they've been married for five minutes.
They're happy because they've been dating for three days.
And here's the thing.
When you look at these things, you don't have to be a genius to realize, you know what?
These people don't have the fundamentals right.
And a year from now, two years from now, three years from now, they're going to hate each
other.
They're going to be at each other's throats.
They don't understand God's word.
They don't understand how to have a biblical marriage.
Look, it's all a fantasy.
It's all a lie.
It's all an illusion.
Everything that Hollywood does, the music industry, Madison Avenue, it's an illusion.
It's not reality.
But we've been brainwashed to be obsessed, listen to me, to be obsessed with dating and
marriage and romance and relationships like that's the greatest pursuit in our lives,
like that's what all of our lives should be wrapped up in and it's easy for us even as
God's people to get obsessed with that and to just think that's the only thing in life.
That's the main thing.
That's the most.
No, it's not the most important thing in life.
You know what?
The most important thing in life is serving Christ.
And you know what?
As men, there are other things that we do in life.
We go to work and our work is very important to us.
We serve the Lord and that's important to us.
Women have other things in their life too.
They raise the children and that's important to them.
The jobs that they do at home, the service that they do for the Lord, whatever other
pursuits or interests that they have.
We need to remain our own people and not try to somehow merge with our spouse and become
one spirit with our spouse.
We need to maintain our own sense of self and realize that there's more to life than
just being married and just having a romantic relationship.
I'm all for having a romantic relationship.
My wife and I, we take time together every single week to go out on a date together and
we spend time together.
We set aside, we drop everything and make sure that we work on our relationship but
you know what?
There's 168 hours in a week.
We don't just spend every day just fawning all over each other and just looking to each
other as our only source of happiness.
You need to find another source of happiness besides just your spouse.
Some of you look at me like I'm crazy but the thing about that is I've been married
for 17 years.
Some of you haven't.
Some of you have been married longer and you're looking at me like I don't know what I'm talking
about but the point is that you're putting too much of a burden sometimes on your spouse
when you expect them to fulfill every need in your life to make you happy.
It's just this burden on them.
When you have a little baby in the house, they rely on you for everything.
When an infant's born, all they want is mom and dad and they just rely on you for every
bit of food, every bit of entertainment and it's a milestone in that child's life when
that baby can learn to entertain themselves.
Yes, because you don't have to just constantly entertain them and when they can start to
crawl around a little bit, they can actually go places on their own.
They can actually do things on their own and it's a little bit of a relief that they can
now entertain themselves and take care of themselves so that you don't have to just
be entertaining them nonstop all day every day.
When you have more kids, they can entertain each other.
They can talk to each other and they can take care of each other emotionally.
Here's the thing.
As adults, we can't just be these clingy people where it's just every day my wife just needs
me to coddle her and just spend hours and hours and hours being her only joy in life,
her only entertainment, her only fulfillment, the only thing she lives for is to be with
me.
That's crazy and that's too much of an emotional burden or the other way around.
If I just need her to be my only companion, my only source of entertainment, my only source
of joy, the only meaning that I even have for existence is for you, that's stressful.
That's too much pressure.
That's too much.
Now, lest you think that I'm trying to put distance between me and my wife, I tend to
be the person that's a little more needy in our relationship, if anything.
I'll just confess that right now.
I have to learn, hey, we both need to have other things going on in life and don't let
Hollywood and the music industry tell us, hey, this is what our lives are about.
It's just us every day.
There's other things that we do in our lives.
By the way, some people tend to do this with their children too, where they're just obsessed
with they only live for their children and they want to vicariously live through their
children and they want their children to go to the Olympics and become rich and famous
and everything like that, instead of just realizing that having children is part of
our life but it's not our whole life.
What should be the main thing in our lives?
This isn't what TV and radio is going to tell you.
The Lord should be the main thing in our life.
God is number one.
Jesus Christ is number one.
My wife is not number one.
My wife is the second most important person to me.
You know what?
The first most important person is Christ.
He's number one.
He has the preeminence.
Look, I have other affection that I bestow on my children.
I have other interests and pursuits and other things that I do in my life.
You're putting too much of a burden on your marriage and then people wonder why their
marriage isn't living up to their expectations is because you're trying to pull too much
out of it, trying to squeeze too much out of it.
Marriage is an important part of our lives but it's just that part of our lives, part
of our lives.
Don't get obsessed with it.
Another illustration that I've used in the past, if you would, flip over to 1 Corinthians
chapter number 11 because remember we're on the point of, yes, become one flesh but don't
become one spirit.
Don't merge with your spouse.
Don't just become so close and spend so much time together that you literally become almost
like the same person where you become one person.
Look, opposites attract.
We need to stay different than our spouse.
We need to maintain our own sense of self, okay?
Yes, become one flesh physically but don't become one spirit.
Be different than each other.
See my wife and I, we have different opinions, different views, different hobbies, different
interests, different likes and dislikes.
We're not just going to hash everything out until we just merge.
Now if you would look at 1 Corinthians chapter 11, God wants us to be different.
The Bible says in 1 Corinthians 11, 14, that not even nature itself teach you that if a
man have long hair, it is a shame unto him but if a woman have long hair, it is a glory
to her for her hair is given her for a covering.
So right there in 1 Corinthians 11, the Bible teaches that men are supposed to have short
hair and women are supposed to have long hair.
We don't have to turn there but back in Deuteronomy chapter 22 verse 5, it said, the woman shall
not wear that which pertaineth unto a man, neither shall a man put on a woman's garment
for all that do so are abomination unto the Lord thy God.
So the Bible is really clear that he wants us to dress differently and have our hair
differently.
And it also talks about the fact that it is a sin for a man to be effeminate or to
be feminine in his behavior.
We need to remain different from one another if we want to have a good marriage.
What does that mean?
That means that men need to stay masculine and women need to stay feminine.
And the more masculine we are and the more feminine she is, the better our marriage is
going to be because opposites attract.
Now a great example of this from the scientific world is with electricity or magnetism.
You know, with magnets, the positive and the negative draw each other together.
The opposites attract and the same repels.
Man and man is repulsive.
Women and women is repulsive but a man and a woman, there's a natural attraction there.
Okay?
Now, the stronger the positive polarity and the stronger the negative polarity, the stronger
the attraction between those two magnets, right?
Well, electricity is the same way.
In electricity, we have a term called voltage and voltage is also known as potential difference.
That's what voltage is known as, potential difference.
So if I want to have attraction between my wife and I, if I don't want to get a few years
into marriage and just not be attracted to her and she's not attracted to me and we're
not attracted to each other, we need to keep some difference between us.
We need to keep some potential difference there if we want to have some high voltage
in our marriage and we don't want the thing to just, you know, go down to be like, you
know, you're licking the nine volt battery and there's just nothing there.
I want, you know, you want it to burn you.
That's when you know it's a good battery.
So the point is that we need to keep some potential difference.
We need to keep some difference in polarity so that we remain attracted to one another.
That means men need to be men and women need to be women and if we keep that going we'll
have a better marriage.
But today everybody wants to just get so close to their soulmate and just merge spiritually
and then pretty soon they're so close, they do all the same things, they just feel the
same way about everything and then pretty soon they're wearing the same clothes.
And today that's what we see.
We see people, they're both in a pair of blue jeans.
They're both in a t-shirt.
They're both just in gender neutral clothing, right?
And look, today men are getting effeminate.
They could probably share each other's jewelry and share each other's clothing and shoes.
It's sick.
We need men to be manly.
If you want your wife to be attracted to you, you want your wife to reverence you and look
up to you, you know, be masculine, be manly.
We've got a bunch of estrogen pumped men today, feminine, soft, weak, they're girly, they're
dressing and feminine.
Wait, no, no, we need you to man up.
And then the ladies today, it seems like they start to just get all rough and tough and
they start walking like a cowboy and they start putting on the jeans and they put on
the Carhartt's pants and the Dickies and they get the short haircut because it's too much
trouble to mess with the long hair and got to get down to business, you know.
You got to stay feminine.
Stay feminine.
Men need to stay masculine so that there will be a difference there.
And that's part of also not getting too close, where you just get so close that you can both
just plop down on the sofa and your sweatpants and just belt and eat ice cream out of the
tub.
Look, you need to keep some difference there, some distance there, where you don't just
become one with that person.
It's still a separate person, folks.
Let me move on to my fourth point.
Number four, don't let yourself go or stop trying.
Go back to Song of Solomon.
I was reading this last night, the book of Song of Solomon.
Look at chapter four of Song of Solomon.
See, getting too close or becoming too similar to one another can also cause us to let our
hair down too much and cause us to let ourselves go physically and stop trying.
And you know what always blows my mind is to think about the fact that if people get
divorced, you know what they do right after they get divorced?
They go out and they buy a bunch of new clothes.
They go out and they start exercising.
They lose a bunch of weight, right?
They start taking care of themselves and cleaning themselves up.
They start brushing their teeth and caring about the way they look.
And I'm thinking to myself, you know, maybe if you would have put forth that effort before
you got divorced, you wouldn't even be divorced.
You know, why are you so willing to put all that effort toward impressing someone new?
Why don't you put that effort forth to impressing the person that you're married to?
Don't ever stop caring about your marriage and stop trying and just let yourself go.
I mean, it's like, oh, I'm married now?
Well, you know what?
Praise the Lord and pass the ice cream and I'm just going to eat as much as I want.
I'm just going to sit around and become a slob and I'm not going to take care of myself.
I'm not going to comb my hair.
I'm not going to brush my teeth.
I'm not going to put on deodorant.
And you know, it just shows how strong our relationship is because we're so close.
I mean, we sleep in the same bed together, then we lay on the sofa together in sweatpants
and we just, we're just so close, we're like two peas in a pod.
Yeah, great, great.
And then you wonder why people are looking for something else because there's nothing
there anymore.
We need to never let ourselves go or stop trying just because we're married.
You know, continue to woo your wife or impress your wife the way you would if you were dating.
And women should still try to be attractive and be desirable to their husband even though
they're not just like, well, you're stuck with me, so nuts to it.
Don't just let yourself go or stop trying.
You know, we read the book of Song of Solomon and we see a lot of great examples of two
people that are married who are doing nice things for each other, expressing their love
for each other, and actually taking care of themselves, taking care of their bodies.
And they're not waiting to get divorced before they actually take care of themselves or actually
dress nice or make themselves presentable for their spouse.
You know what?
There's nothing wrong with you actually dressing up nice for dinner at home with your family.
Right?
I mean, you dress up real nice to go out all the time, right, for other people, but, oh,
it's just my husband.
It's just my wife, so I'm going to put forth zero effort on how I look.
She knows what I'm like.
Yeah, okay, but you can still make yourself look nice.
Look what the Bible says in Song of Solomon, chapter 4, verse 10.
How fair is thy love, my sister, my spouse.
How much better is thy love than wine, and the smell of thine ointments than all spices.
Thy lips, oh my spouse, drop as the honeycomb.
Honey and milk are under thy tongue, and the smell of thy garments is like the smell of
Lebanon.
Chapter 5, verse 1.
I'm coming to my garden, my sister, my spouse.
I've gathered my myrrh with my spice.
I've eaten my honeycomb with my honey.
I've drunk my wine with my milk.
Eat, oh friends, drink, yea, drink abundantly, oh beloved.
Go to chapter 6, verse 2.
My beloved has gone down into his garden to the beds of spices to feed in the gardens
and to gather lilies.
I don't think this guy's down there gathering lilies for his health.
Men don't think it's cool or fun to go to a garden and gather lilies.
He's down in the garden gathering lilies for his wife, right?
I'm my beloved's and my beloved is mine.
He feedeth among the lilies.
He's not just think, well, we're married now, so I'm not going to bring my wife flowers.
I'm not going to woo her.
I'm not going to dress nice.
She in these passages is dressing nice.
She's making sure that she smells good.
She's not just letting herself go, and he's not just letting himself go, right?
Look at chapter 7, verse 11.
Come my beloved.
These are just some things that jumped out at me last night reading Song of Solomon.
Come my beloved, let us go forth into the field.
Let us lodge in the villages.
Let us get up early to the vineyards.
Let us see if the vine flourish, whether the tender grape appear, and the pomegranates
bud forth.
There will I give thee my loves.
The mandrakes give a smell, and at our gates are all manner of pleasant fruits, new and
old, which I've laid up for thee, oh my beloved.
And look, it doesn't have to be expensive.
It doesn't have to be some distant vacation in the Bahamas or in Hawaii.
It doesn't have to be an expensive dinner in a fancy restaurant.
You know what?
It could just be going out in nature and gathering some fruits.
That's what we see here.
It could be something just as simple as lodging in the villages.
You know, the staycation.
You could just take a vacation right here in Arizona.
Go somewhere close.
You have to spend a fortune.
But you know what?
You have to do things to put a little effort forth into your marriage to make it nice for
the other person, to make them feel loved, to make it nice, right?
Fruits going on a nature hike, get up early, go take a walk together.
Doesn't have to be anything fancy.
It's the little things that can make our marriage nice.
And you know what?
If you were dating, you'd do all those things.
People who are dating, they'll bring flowers.
They'll bring the fruit basket.
They'll go out and spend time together.
Well, here's a hint.
If you want to stay married, keep doing those things.
Instead of waiting until you're divorced and you don't know why, and now all of a sudden,
yeah, now you're going to lose the weight, get in shape, get a haircut, brush your teeth,
go pick lilies or whatever it takes, amen?
Pick the lilies now while you're still married.
So number one, just a quick review.
Number one, we said get the fundamentals right.
And we already lose the world at this.
They don't have this right.
So we got to start out having a Christian foundation, get the fundamentals right, wives
submit to their husbands, husbands love their wives.
Number two, we need to realize that everybody's different.
We don't try to emulate Pastor Anderson, don't try to emulate other people's marriages that
you see or wonder why my husband isn't like Brother So-and-so or why isn't my wife like
Sister So-and-so.
No, no, you don't compare, you realize that everybody's different.
You find what works for you through trial and error.
That way when you're married for five years, six years, seven years, it gets better and
better as you find out, okay, don't say that ever again, that didn't work.
Don't do that ever again, don't buy that ever again.
You know, you realize this doesn't work, this does.
And then marriage gets better as you get to know each other.
So number two, you realize everyone's different.
Number three, you become one flesh, but you don't become one spirit.
You don't merge into your so-called soulmate to the point where you're just the same person.
Because what fun is that?
Remain different people, remain separate, have your own interests, have your own hobbies
and opinions and be yourself and be separate because why?
Opposites attract, that's why.
You need to keep that potential difference there.
And you remain masculine, she remains feminine.
Number four, don't let yourself go or stop trying, right?
Give it some effort, make yourself look nice, act nice, be friendly, say nice things, give
gifts and do the things that make for good marriage.
And fifthly is this, don't be insecure.
Do not be insecure.
And this kind of goes with some of the previous points, but go over to 2 Samuel chapter number
six, 2 Samuel chapter number six.
And some of these things that I'm preaching about this morning are from my own personal
experience of mistakes that I've made or things that I've learned and corrected.
But some of these things are just from the experiences of other people.
Because when you're a pastor, people come to you all the time, even though I don't do
a lot of marriage counseling, even though I'm not really big on that, people come to
me all the time and they tell me about their marriage problem or they ask me for advice.
Being a pastor, you're just going to hear from a lot of people all the time.
And you know what?
You start seeing the same patterns over and over again.
And when you have 20 people that are dealing with the same issue, you start to realize,
you know, this is probably something that a lot of people are dealing with.
This is something that a lot of people are struggling with.
I need to teach people about this because this is something that a lot of people have
a problem with.
And this don't be insecure.
This is one of those things that seems to come up a lot in people's marriages, a lot.
Don't be insecure.
What do I mean by not being insecure?
It means that jealousy is good in the sense that you shouldn't want to share your spouse
with someone else.
And you shouldn't want to, you know, share their affection or have other people, other
men in her life or other women in your husband's life that are vying for your affections.
Of course, you should be possessive of your wife or husband in the sense that, you know,
their body is only for you.
And their emotions and affections and romanticism is only for you.
And that's sacred and unique to you.
But a lot of people, they cross over the line into like a psycho jealousy.
And this is a huge problem today where a godly jealousy, a righteous jealousy, like Paul
said, hey, I'm jealous over you with a godly jealousy.
But then there are people who cross the line into insecurity, insecurity.
Now for example, King Saul was a guy who crossed that line into insecurity.
Because King Saul was a guy who is the rightful king of Israel.
He's anointed king.
He's supposed to be the king.
He, you know, he shouldn't just hand that baton off to whoever comes along.
But see, he crossed the line into insecurity where he's just so scared of losing that position
that he's willing to kill people.
And he's willing to even throw a javelin at his own son, throw a javelin at his most trusted
servant David.
Because he's so threatened by David.
Was David trying to take his throne?
Not at all.
David was not trying to take his throne at all.
But yet he was insecure and just going crazy, literally going crazy.
Just to, well, there are a lot of wives who get the same way and husbands who get the
same way.
Now this could be on either side, but this tends to be something that I've seen more
in women where they get very insecure and get into kind of a psycho jealous mode, okay.
Now here's an example in the Bible of a woman who did this.
Look at 2 Samuel chapter 6 verse 14, it says, and David danced before the Lord with all
his might.
And David was girded with a linen ephod, so David and all the house of Israel brought
up the ark of the Lord with shouting and with the sound of the trumpet.
And as the ark of the Lord came into the city of David, Michal, Saul's daughter, looked
through a window and saw King David leaping and dancing before the Lord and she despised
him in her heart.
Now the Bible tells us here that David was dancing before the Lord with all his might.
He's not trying to impress the ladies, he's serving the Lord, right?
He loved the Lord, he's excited about the ark of the covenant, he's excited about church,
he's serving the Lord, he's dancing before the Lord.
But his insecure wife looks out the window and sees him leaping and dancing before the
Lord and she despised him in her heart.
Look at verse 20, and David returned to bless his household.
So David goes out, he does a great work for God, he brings the ark of the covenant, he
obeys the commandment of the Lord, bad things had happened in the past but now everything's
great, he's really excited, he's really happy, he comes home from the big soul-winning event,
he comes home from the big preaching conference, he comes home from all the great works and
he's just excited.
And what does he want to do?
He wants to come bless his household, right?
I mean is this guy's heart in the right place or what?
He loves the Lord, he loves his family, he wants to come bless his household.
So he comes in to bless his household and Michal, the daughter of Saul, came out to
meet David, this is his wife, and said, how glorious was the king of Israel today who
uncovered himself today in the eyes of the handmaids of his servants as one of the vain
fellows shamelessly uncovered himself.
Oh, you're just out there getting all wild and partying, trying to impress the ladies.
And what does he say?
Because he didn't have the handmaids on his mind.
He was doing it before the Lord.
But she says, oh, it was in the eyes of those handmaidens.
And David said to Michal, it was before the Lord, which chose me before thy father, burn,
and before all his house to appoint me ruler over the people of the Lord over Israel, therefore
will I play before the Lord.
And here's the thing, just so you don't misunderstand me, David is reacting wrong here.
David's reacting completely wrong.
And look what he says in verse 22, and I'll be yet more vile than thus.
That's not the right thing to say.
That's not the right attitude.
So I'm not saying that David hasn't done wrong before this point.
I'm not saying that David's not reacting wrong.
But let me ask you this, is Michal's reaction helping things?
Is her insecurity helping things?
She's just out of nowhere.
Now look, there were other times when she had a reason to be jealous, but this wasn't
one of them.
He's serving the Lord.
He's playing before the Lord.
He's not flirting with women at all.
But yet she is just throwing that at him and just out of nowhere, no evidence.
And it certainly doesn't make things any better because it says that she remains childless
until the day of her death.
Why?
Because David basically just had nothing to do with her.
Of course, David had multiple wives, so he had that luxury to just, nuts to you, which
obviously is wicked on David's part.
So I'm not absolving him, but my point is this is a bad example of a woman just blowing
off her mouth at her husband for no reason, being insecure.
And this kind of goes back to point three about being one flesh and not one spirit.
You know, you need to be able to stand on your own two feet, ladies.
You need to be able to stand on your own two feet, men.
You can't just get so reliant on your spouse that he can't go anywhere or do anything.
You know, what if Peter's wife would have been like that?
How's Peter going to go with James and John into all the towns and villages and preach
the gospel with Jesus?
And Jesus is like, all right, Peter, follow me.
We're crossing the Sea of Galilee.
And he's like, I can't leave my wife alone for 24 hours.
What are you talking about?
My wife needs me to hold her hand and coddle her every single day.
I can't go across Galilee or she's got to come too.
Because otherwise, you know, Mary Magdalene's going to be there and then my wife's going
to accuse me of committing adultery or something.
See what I'm saying?
Like these men in the Bible, they wouldn't have even been able to do anything.
And look, I'm telling you, I've seen this so many times where women will use quote unquote
their jealousy as an excuse to basically just tell their husband what to do, put their husband
on a leash and control their husband.
And then we're back to point one where they have the wrong fundamental, where she's lording
over her husband and using that.
And look, like I said, I'm all for a healthy amount of jealousy.
You know, I don't want my wife hanging on the phone to other men.
I don't want her going out to eat with another man.
Oh, we're just friends.
We just talk.
And she doesn't want me doing that either.
I'm not going to go out and pal around with women that are not my wife.
I'm not going to go around and do that and hang on the phone to them and buddy, buddy
with them.
But you know what?
At the same time though, there needs to be some reason where women aren't just losing
their minds about the fact that their husband is exposed to other women in the world.
Well, that's just life.
You know, we go out soul winning.
We're going to talk to people.
We go to church.
We talk to people.
We go to work.
We go places.
We talk to people.
And you need to not be insecure and going crazy jealous because this destroys a lot
of marriages.
It causes a lot of problems.
You got to be able to stand on your own two feet.
You got to be able to live your own life.
You know what?
I thank God for my wife and I thank God for the marriage that we have and that 17 years
later we're still here.
We're still married.
We love each other.
We're getting along great.
I thank God for that.
But you know what?
Part of it is because these are the principles that we've followed to get to where we are.
And you know, some of the stuff that I've preached this morning you might not agree
with and you might say, well, you know, I think you're wrong about that.
Well, that's fine.
I mean, find what works for you, amen?
But some of this is just straight biblical.
Okay.
And I'm speaking from experience here that I believe that number one, the most important
thing is to get the fundamentals right.
That's non-negotiable.
I don't care what you think about that point.
Number two, you got to realize everybody's different.
Number three, be one flesh but don't be one spirit.
Don't just, don't get too close.
You know, leave a little space to be yourself.
You know, sometimes you need a little breathing room to be your own person and to do your
own thing and not to expect your spouse to become exactly like you or that they demand
that you become exactly like them.
You know, I'm me and she's her and we're not exactly the same and that's okay.
Number four, don't let yourself go or stop trying.
You know, I don't, look, I know my wife's not going to divorce me no matter what I do.
I mean, I could treat her like dirt and she's not going to divorce me and you know what,
if she treats me like dirt and spits in my face, I'm not going to divorce her and she
knows that and I know that.
But does that mean that we just treat each other like garbage?
No.
If we love each other, and look, how about this, I know no matter what I do, I'm still
going to be saved, right?
But does that mean I just, I'm just going to not go to church, not read my Bible, not
go soul-witting, not pray, do whatever I want, commit a bunch of sin, no, no, no.
Look, if we love Christ, we'll keep his commandments and we're to love our wife, love our husband,
right?
And don't stop trying and don't just let yourself go.
Be the best husband you can be.
Be the best wife that you can be and keep trying.
And then fifthly this, don't be insecure.
Insecurity and I kind of focused on the ladies, but insecurity can destroy people.
It destroyed King Saul.
I mean, it could destroy people in so many different ways.
You know men who get insecure, you know what men do who get insecure and they start feeling
insecure like they're not getting enough affirmation or whatever?
You know what they do?
They go find some other woman that will stroke their ego is what they do, right?
Men start getting insecure and then they start wanting to hang around women that make them
feel like a stud, that make them feel like, and then women who are insecure could be susceptible
to a man who comes along and makes them feel love when their husband doesn't.
So insecurity is very dangerous.
Here's a good Bible memory verse for you, Proverbs 3 26, for the Lord shall be thy confidence
and shall keep thy foot from being taken.
You know we need to have confidence that's placed in the Lord and to be secure in ourselves
and to realize that we're fearfully and wonderfully made.
God loves us.
God has a purpose for us and just not just be constantly looking for affirmation from
our spouse.
Like if our spouse doesn't tell us how great we are, every day we're going to get all insecure
and panicky and not want to let them leave the house or something.
Don't be insecure.
Get the fundamentals right.
Let's bow our heads and have a word of prayer.